Guess who finally got her internet cable put back together?
My internet repair man was a sweetie and didn’t even scold me for digging, and then went on to tell me it was only working at half the speed it was supposed to, so he fixed that too. It’s amazing what being nice to someone, standing outside in the heat and visiting with him can get you. He could have just fixed the cable and went on instead he spent another hour checking on, and fixing it so it was as good as new. As he walked in the house for the third time to give me an update, he found me standing on top my counters painting, my kitchen a mess as everything was off the walls.
He informed me it was all fixed and I should stop having so much initiative and sit down once in a while.
I laughed and smiled thinking, “Buddy I sat on my ass for over a year, had a hard time getting out of bed, there is no way I’m going to slow down.” My kitchen is now painted.
One of the hard parts about coming out of the fog is seeing the damage that was done while I just stood there not paying attention. My house, while always messy (half a dozen kids any given day keeps it that way) was always clean underneath. When I finally woke up and looked around it was dirty, and my version of disgusting…not Horders bad but still pretty damn nasty. My sweet Lou was being dressed and had her hair combed but she wasn’t fussed over. Hell she even went to a ball game in Crocs and those are banned from leaving my house. My cookie jar was empty because I stopped baking not because a swarm of kids passed over them. My yard and flower beds became a neglected jungle of weeds.
I’ve spent the summer trying to catch up and make up for my lack of being a presence in my kids present. Trying to make up for letting the sadness consume way too much of my energy and time. Time with my kids that I can’t ever get back.
I’m now off to can with two of my favorite girls. Plum/blackberry vanilla jam, Peach preserves, corn and bean salsa, pablo jesus’s hot pepper jelly (inside joke) and every kind of pickle we can fit in a jar. They are going to ohhh and ahhh over the new decor in my kitchen and we are gonna laugh.
Life my friends is way too hard ( and stinking long) to get through without laughter.