17

My middle son is now eighteen, and it was a kind of sad day.

I guess it was sad because he is now eighteen which means he’s growing up. A tip for all of you with toddlers and kids in elementary? When they get into Junior High and High School, all the sudden time goes into hyper drive and they grow up. They walk out the door with their superman backpack and when they come home after school, they need to shave. They walk out the next day giggling and squealing in their high chipmunk voices and come home later with deep Darth Vader voices. It happens in the blink of an eye without permission from you, they don’t ask they just grow up and it sucks.

I was also sad because eighteen is a trigger, it’s the birthday/graduation/vacation that my husband was a ass…okay ASSHOLE to me, and it made me flashback yesterday. Hell it drug me back at times, like the movie ‘Drag Me To Hell”, only instead of a demon it was a fat cancan whore. She had ahold of my legs and kept pulling, whining in my ear “he was going to leave you for me, but then you ruined it!! You always ruined it!!” Days like yesterday made me want to scream back at her ” You can have him!! Please take him and you two enjoy your ‘fairy tale’!!”

I know it’s not nice, wishing that on anyone…being stuck with the whore. Hey whore’s ex-husband/current husband/poor bastard? (what do you call a man who was married to her, but is divorced from, but still living with her, and she puts his ring off or on depending on her mood? Let’s go with poor bastard it is probably the most accurate) Hey poor bastard, I am so sorry for you. You are probably a good person who is in love with a whore. I wish for you and me they had gotten their ‘fairy tale’ because they both would have been miserable, and we probably would have been friends. I don’t know maybe not, I’m not a damsel in distress and a drama queen but if given a chance you might have found me funny. I guess that ship has sailed though, I write a blog I hear you aren’t too fond of. If I’d taken a different route and gave your whore her way? I think you’d like the blog just fine, but instead you are there…stuck with her…reading a different version of the truth, my truth…one not covered in lies and whore tears. I wonder if you ever look at her laying in bed by you and think ” You fat cancan whore, I’d like to ship you to Oklahoma and let Crazy Kelly have five minutes with you…” I get it, the anger you have to feel, but thank you for not Fed-exing her to me, I don’t want her. The voice I still hear, whiny and nasally is enough for my sanity, those huge thighs up close and personal? They’d probably drive me over the edge.

So yeah, I was a little angry yesterday. It has been awhile since I’ve had one of those days, and it made me a little sad. I don’t like fighting the urge to punch my husband in the face as he’s driving down the road. I don’t like having to ride with my hands clenched in my lap, wringing them together, telling myself to stay in the present. Arguing with Angry Kelly, “You will not punch him in the throat!! No not even a mild karate chop?!?! Since when did you take karate? No old Jackie Chan movies are not the same as going to classes!?! No you can’t jump on him and scratch his eyes out, he’s driving for the love of God!!” Back and forth we’d go until finally we would stop and I could open the door and let the fresh air flood in, and the anger flood out.

He asked me at one point, what was wrong. I told him I was having a ‘rough’ day, and he didn’t understand why? He had done ‘little things’ for me all day, how could I be having a bad day? I gave him a slight smile and answered him as I always do…

“It’s not about the man you are today, I wish it was, it’s about the man you were.” He didn’t say anything else, he just hugged me tighter. I felt bad then, because it sucks for him too. It’s like being the ‘bad kid’ in High School in a small town. No matter how much you change, grow up, and become a good person, everyone in the small town is always going to think of you as that ‘bad kid’ from high school. The only way to change it? You probably would have to move away and start over.

He stayed in a marriage after cheating and breaking his wife’s heart. On my bad days the shadow of his infidelity makes it hard to see the man underneath.

It was my middle son’s 18th Birthday yesterday.

“Runnin’from your folks, running’ from the law
Runnin’ from love, running’ from your fears, runnin’ from it all
You keep on runnin’boy
You’ll run yourself in the ground
You’re always seventeen in your hometown”

-Cross Canadian Ragweed-

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5 Responses to 17

  1. Nephila says:

    You’re so rough about time flying. The affair was over before my baby was 1 year old and she’s about to turn 4 and I can’t see where the time went. It seemed every day dragged at first and now…but my son in elementary school, I forget he’s growing too because each year is more similar. I know one day he’s going to suddenly seem all grown up. Be all grown up. I just want to get in first and make him a better man than his dad. So does Paul, to be fair. Triggers totally suck. But at least now you have 2 grown kids who have your back. Go them!

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    Believe me, Nephila, it gets even faster! Crazy fast. My son is 18 in December (shaving, driving, part time employment, taking teen group, drinking holidays, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah) and I haven’t taught him how to use a chainsaw safely, only just taught him how to change a tyre, my eldest daughter 22 not long after, the youngest is 16 before the end of the year. Just yesterday they were running around the section in their togs with waterguns, squealing and wrestling with each other, jumping in the pool, couldn’t keep them out of it. Now they are too cool for splashing and playing – well, not every day, they need “friends” – not each other – to do that now. There’s only two left, and before long, one. When their father was fucking a skank, they kept me frantically busy with after school activities, sport, music, art lessons. Now they mostly drive themselves, and we get to choose how involved we are.

    And, Kelly, you call a man-who-lives-with-and-is-divorced-from a cancan whore a chump. Totally. Poor man. Nothing worse than loving a fucktard.

  3. brokenjoan says:

    I wonder if there will ever be a day when we won’t have triggers or get so mad at our husbands that we truly feel like killing them! Most days it takes the tiniest thing to get me upset, then I’m off & running about the affair again, telling him I’ve changed my mind, that it’s over, I want him to leave, drive off a cliff or go fuck himself!!! It’s been almost 2 years, today I was so depressed thinking, this is it, this is now my life & nothing can ever be the same again! All my children are grown, so why do I stay, am I scared, do I still have a sort of love for him, why the fuck do I stay? I don’t know, I know I feel totally different about him, I don’t respect him, most of the time I don’t like looking at him! I think I must still have some sort of love for him, that’s the only reason I can explain to myself as to why I stay! The rest of you stay mostly I think for your younger children, but I don’t have that anymore. He found it so easy to forget me for 15 months with his whore, why can’t i do the same? Sorry for my pity me post, but it was a bad day on the roller coaster! Joan💔

  4. pabloswife says:

    Hugs Joan <3, you've spent many years with this man, probably most of your adult life and you have so much history together. Those of us who choose not to lie and cheat also don't give up on love quite as easily as our spouses did xx

  5. brokenjoan says:

    Thank you pabloswife, that is so true, I have been married to him my entire adult life & we have so many wonderful memories together & he was such a wonderful man & husband before the affair, that’s why I hold on, I can’t seem to give up on us! Should all his years of good count for nothing, because of his stupid choice to be selfish? I’m hanging in, but yesterday was bad, I slept on the couch! Hugs to you, Joan

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