How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye

I am not the Kelly I was before the affair.

I’ve talked about it before, I’ve mourned her and I have accepted she is gone…my husband has not. I have found myself being lead back to her this week, by God? By fate? By some cosmic irony who thinks it’s funny? I don’t know, all I know is I keep hearing about her.

I was dashing around, fixing supper? Cleaning up after supper? I don’t remember but my son’s girlfriend and my other ‘son’s’ wife, were sitting at the counter chatting with me. I was innocently asked if I always made such huge meals, with all the sides and stuff. I laughed and answered no. My son’s girlfriend started telling her about ‘the good old days’, back when she first came around and I ALWAYS made huge meals. I listened to her ramble on about the old Kelly, the one pre-affair, who was one step away from having a giant ‘S’ on her chest and wearing a cape. I didn’t have to make any excuses, they both know why/what happened that changed me. But hearing her brag about her, made me sad she was gone.

My oldest ‘son’ then mentioned her in a phone call. He was reminiscing about her to his girlfriend, how I’d say “Screw it” some weekends and declare a horror movie fest. We’d rent a bunch of scary movies, make a bunch of junk food, and veg out all weekend. He remembered the old Kelly and how she was random and fun.

I went to Kansas for my dad’s 60th Birthday Party, and visited with my grandma and aunts. I hadn’t been back to my teenage home since the affair, and there were ghosts there. My dad at one point informed me, my bulletin board and pictures were all up in my old room. I smiled at him, and made a mental note “avoid my old bedroom”, because I knew she was there. She was there in pictures, laughing and goofing around, carefree and happy…she was still there in a shrine, and I didn’t want to ‘light a candle, and visit with her’, I wanted her to rest in peace. To stay with the dust bunnies and old prom dresses, undisturbed.

Finally yesterday I was talking to my husband, and I told him “I will never be the same person as I was before, I have made my peace with it, accepted it and moved on. You need to too…” He shook his head, and told me “She’s not gone.” I just shook my head, and kissed him. He’s not ready to accept that even as I’m healing she’s not coming back, she is gone.

I don’t know why she kept popping up. Why she was so in my face, haunting me this last week. If my family wouldn’t think I was crazy, I’d give her a Viking Funeral. I’d pile on all the old pictures, clothes, books, mementos, and her stinking wedding ring…I’d pile it up on the wooden pyre and set it afire.

I wonder if as the ashes were scattered by the wind, I’d hear her giggle one last time. I wonder if she’d finally go on, and give me peace.

“It’s OK to hurt, and it’s OK to cry
Come let me hold you and I will try
How can I help you to say goodbye?”

-Patty Loveless-

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7 Responses to How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye

  1. pabloswife says:

    Isn’t it sad that someone else’s actions are responsible for forever changing us?? I hate that my husband’s affair with the whore had the power to change me forever. I hate that it had any power at all, yet it did. I too will never be the same altho unlike you, I think I’m pretty much the same on the outside, maybe because no one knows about the affair. I don’t think my kids would notice any difference in me pre and post D Day, but I’m changed on the inside, I think I’m more hollow now. Some days I wonder if I will ever be truly happy again. How sad is that?

    • It is sad…it’s a shame they couldn’t see the consequences, know the real impact of their actions.

      I think my husband was just waiting for it to come out, and to lose his family. I don’t think he ever imagined being given a second chance with us and what the pain was going to look like up close and personal.

      I think you are fooling yourself if you think your kids haven’t noticed a change in you 🙂 I’m betting you laugh less, and have lost the joy you used to have in little things. I bet you have changed physically too…kids are so much more observant than we think. If they were ever told I bet they’d be like “That’s why you were…or said…or looked…” Every piece of the puzzle would click together for them.

      We might be good but no one can totally hide the pain and anger.

      Hugs my sweet friend

  2. I used the line, “If you think I’m the same woman as I was a year ago, you are mistaken.”

    I grieve for the loss of myself and trying to navigate who I am. I’m willing to eat shit and to swallow my pride. I don’t know who I am just yet. I guess time will tell.

    We are survivors and it’s actually part of our own evolution through this life. We weren’t meant to have it easy.

    I can see it’s hard for you, Kelly, trying to live as the “new” you, yet others always comparing you now to you then. Perhaps you should tell your husband that the old you was the “first” wife and the new you is his “second” 😉 Hugs xxoo

  3. I feel the exact same way. I avert my eyes from those long ago photos, where I was so happy and clueless. I feel sorry for the young woman who has no idea there is an atomic bomb headed her direction, and the man launching it will be her best friend and love of her life. The worst photos are the old ones of us together (we were high school sweethearts). I will spare you my wretched thoughts on those!

    I have told my husband the old me is gone as well. I told him once he killed her: she suffocated under the weight of him effing his whore. He also insists “I” am still in there somewhere. That usually earns him a bitter laugh if I can muster it, or I turn away in tears. She’s left the building folks. Sorry.

  4. brokenjoan says:

    I don’t think any of us will ever be the same again, it’s not only sad, it’s extremely unfair that the person you trusted most is the one who thought nothing of destroying the person, who he claims to now love! 💔

  5. I know I’m not the same in the sense of M. But I think besides physically looking different, crying incessantly, and the suffocating, paralyzing depression I am mostly the same LOL! 😉 No seriously I have no idea how much I’ve changed I just know I have. I do think there are way more changes to come and I’m still processing the pain.
    It is hard to look at old pictures of that wench in my house and when he chose to betray me. All of our activities together. I hope he’s happy with those memories, because I’m not. It’s difficult not wishing him away and then thinking I’m wishing my kids away. Not just wiping the whole 7 years of my friendship with that bitch and the 2+ years of him lying.
    So it’s been weird to figure all of that out because I used to look back on our life and be like hell yeah there we were at___ and happy.

    Oh I hate him today.. I wish he’s take his God forgiven ass out of our lives and disappear.. Crap sorry Kell this was your blog..

    Anyways I cried when you talked about your room and her giggling as her ashes were scattered, and if she would give you peace. I’m so sorry about old Kelly I would throw a funeral for her with you maybe we can Google hangout one 🙂 and not think you were the least bit insane ❤ ❤

  6. horsesrcumin says:

    Yep. That is all. ♥

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