I Swear

I am being hounded this week.

I have been “slightly” harassed on Facebook, by some young women wanting more recipes on here. Well one wants more recipes, one wants to be fed. I am working this week, but I promise I will start posting more. I have been working on my blog this week, just not posting.

I have known for a while I needed to go back to the beginning and edit. When I first started writing it was like a flood gate had been opened and the words poured out. I had no punctuation, no paragraphs, no flow, it was all just jumbled together. I am going back and fixing it.

Last week I also decided to add the lyrics to the songs I use for titles. Believe it or not, I actually look up each song, some I have stuck in my head that day as I start to write, some I google and go through songs until I find “the lyrics”. The lyrics which scream to me “Hey Kelly, we know what you are talking about, we hate whores, know a crazy bitch, or have hated men too!! Pick me!!” I always know as soon as I read a song if it’s a keeper or not. Sometimes my friends and family send me one they think I need to use.

Little fun fact about my blog? My first post “Stacy’s Mom”? It started the whole “soundtrack’ of my blog, and wasn’t my idea. A friend of mine (who I adore, and in the early months refused to ever give up on me, or my marriage. Who made me laugh through tears, and gave my self-esteem boosts by being my cheerleader) sent me a text when he found out I was going to write a blog and said “If the first post isn’t titled ‘Stacy’s Mom” I’m going to be disappointed, because the commercial with that song playing is U…” He didn’t know he was going to change the whole blog, and if we are being honest? He changed music for me, made it speak to me.

Before writing this blog, I had stopped listening to music, because it flipping hurt. It made me sad and mad, it made me want to scream. After I started writing? It became another outlet for the anger and sadness, it has helped me heal.

If you have ever wondered “Why the Hell does she have the song “Wake Me Up” by Avicii by itself on her blog? Why was that song singled out?”

Because I have cried to that song, I have screamed along with that song, and it was played on the radio the night I drove back from the store. You all know the night…the night of the bridge. That night I cried as I pulled off the highway for my turn, listening to the song. I was trying to ‘carry the weight of the world’.

So whole reason for this post? I might not be posting new stuff because I am editing, and adding to past posts this week. If you get bored, go check them out.

Next week I will add a new recipe, pinky swear…

“I see the questions in your eyes
I know what’s weighing on your mind
But you can be sure I know my part
‘Cause I’ll stand beside you through the years
You’ll only cry those happy tears
And though I’ll make mistakes
I’ll never break your heart
I swear”

-John Michael Montgomery-


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14 Responses to I Swear

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    Ahhh, yes, music. I absolutely adore music, always have. It speaks in a way no other media does. And I agree, there have been times when I couldn’t listen, and there have been times when i just turned it up and sobbed my heart out. I need it, like I need oxygen. It can be uplifting, soothing, cleansing, bring-out-all-your-grief-to-the-surface to purge again. Love it, and love your post.

    I also blog in a very disorganised fashion. I don’t think I will go back and edit though. This is how I felt then, and I think, for me, it is good to see that depiction of my state of mind and heart at the times I posted, even though it was almost five years in, I still feel it every day, and accept I will forever now.

    Love your blog xx

    • I have came far enough out on the “other” side that it bugs me. The spelling and punctuation mistakes, the one huge blob, no breaks for a breathe? It drove me nuts πŸ™‚ I also wanted to add the part of the songs that made me choose them. I had the idea of adding to them awhile back, it’s just time consuming and a pain.

      I got about 20 posts updated today…only 130 to go lol

      I didn’t change the words though, those remain the same. Crazy Kelly, Angry Kelly and even Sad Kelly deserve to keep their voices loud and clear πŸ˜‰

  2. Sissy says:

    So feeling this. I have internal theme songs for my hours and days. When words fail me, I find them in someone’s music.

  3. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, I think from here on out, sadly there will be the three Kellys’! Crazy Kelly might be a little more sane, Angry Kelly will grow a little less angry, & even Sad Kelly will have some happy times, but I fear we are all changed forever! I know in my case the only way I can describe it is, a light has gone out of my life, I struggle to hold on each day & still almost 2 years later, I sometimes find it still brings me to my knees & I don’t know if I can go on! I hate it when I wallow in self pity but like any other emotion I have these days, I can’t control it! I get so scared thinking this is how the rest of my life will be & it has to be that way because he can’t “turn back time”! There’s you a song title & a wish for all of us to find a measure of peace! XO Joan πŸ’”

    • horsesrcumin says:

      Sending you a giant hug, joan. Everything is different. For sure. Forever. I liked – no LOVED – my old life. But of course we can’t ever have it back. I know precisely what yoy mean. All the glitter is gone. It’s like living under a blanket. She (and he) stole the sun from my heart. But we stand. Fighting. Breathing. Living. It’s hard. And it’s long. But we will perservere. We are all much more than any of the whores who took our happiness and we have each other. Phew. Came over all rah rah rah there! Just glad we all have a place to put our fears, sadness and any small triumphs.

    • Those sides are part of me now πŸ™‚ Always will be, but I have learned how to live with them…and they have learned to live with me.

      I think maybe if you stepped back Joan you might find that you kind of like the new you too πŸ™‚ My bet? She’s stronger, funnier, and cusses more. She feels more and is so much smarter and aware. She isn’t carefree or Happy HAPPY, but I’m thinking given the choice? I’d have a drink with new Joan any day.

      Hugs my sweet friend, you are a warrior and a survivor πŸ™‚

  4. brokenjoan says:

    horsesrcumin, thanks for the hug, I really need one lately, it seems as the 2 year mark nears, I am reminded more often of the day that changed my life forever! I am also glad we have a place to vent & even laugh at times! Thank you for your support & friendship, it is greatly appreciated! Hugs from Joan

  5. pabloswife says:

    I don’t think you should go back and edit your posts Kelly… I think it shows where you were and how far you’ve come. Your writing rocks whether notwithstanding any bad punctuation or typos! And for the record, I don’t recall noticing either.

    Your words, your messages are what’s important πŸ˜€

    • Only the first two months are continuous run on sentences lol after that I’m just adding the songs on at the end. I always wanted to have a few lines from the songs at the end πŸ™‚

      I’m also putting some of them back to their original form πŸ™‚ But I promise they are SO much better as originally posted lol anger and all.

  6. I think the format of those old posts often speaks just as much as the words themselves do. They convey emotion, pain, resolve, strength, fear, love, anger, so very many things. Do what you feel you NEED to do. But there is something in the rawness of those posts.

    • Cross my heart just making it easier to read for future readers πŸ™‚ All the hurt and anger are still there. I still shit on a car in post 50 πŸ˜‰

      Hugs Grace I hope you are doing well

  7. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, thank you, I cried as I read your post, not because I’m not a bad ass, kick ass chick, LOL!!! You took the time to reach out & give me a shoulder to cry on, which I so desperately need sometimes! My kids, my daughter especially has made it clear she doesn’t want to hear anymore about this, especially if it involves negative remarks about her dad, so other than my best girlfriend, my blog friends are who I turn to, because you guys know what I’m going through & you always give unlimited support & good advice, so thanks to all of you! And Kelly, I don’t know about stronger or funnier, but she sure cusses more!!!!! A big hug to a friend I value, XO Joan

  8. As much as I love reading your posts Kelly I love reading the comments too. It’s amazing the bonds formed here in your domain πŸ™‚

    Here’s to editing. It’s hard for me to read back 3 months I think what an amazing outlook to be able to do that and not live back there.

    That Avicii song is the best! I love that song!! ❀ I don't think I would have loved it so much before all this went down, but I do now πŸ™‚

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