Stupid Girl

I had a thought/voice in my head the other night.

I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, and as I was shutting the door, my husband yelled to me…

“You okay?”

Old days he wouldn’t have noticed me up and moving, but these days I can’t roll over or sigh in my sleep without him noticing.

“Just going to the bathroom…” I replied.

I shook my head as I sat down, I mean Good Lord, I was just going to the bathroom. Then I kind of smiled and thought about how much he has changed. How different he is…he is not the same man he was for those two years, a blind man could see how different he is.

I felt my heart soften, and I teared up for just a minute with relief.

“No one could fake being like he has been towards me the last 20 months. The remorse he shows, the way he constantly follows me with his eyes when we are in a crowd, the calls and texts when he is away, the way he holds my hand, holds me at night, kisses me with tears in his eyes. No one could fake it for that long, maybe a week or two, but 20 months means this is who he is now. He isn’t the same man who hurt me.”

Those were the thoughts that flew through my head, and as I opened the bathroom door, I heard the voice in my head which drowned out the others.

“He lied to you for 2 years, do you really think he couldn’t do it for 20 months? He’d still be lying if you hadn’t found out…You, Kelly are a fool.”

The voice echoed in my head as I crawled back into bed.

“Maybe if I act like that
Flippin’ my blond hair back
Push up my bra like that
I don’t want to be a stupid girl”

-Pink-

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18 Responses to Stupid Girl

  1. Not stupid, but cautious! I think the same way and I’m only 9 months since the shit hit the mega fan. Really think he’s being authentic now, yet I can’t trust him, yet.

    I see a difference in him and today I was thinking what a dick he was last year. How mean he was and just downright unhappy.

    He is a different man today. I hope he continues to be this type of “different” and not the d-head he was last year!

    • From your mouth to God’s ears my sweet friend…if only the difference could have been delivered in a different form, and not the form of infidelity. Think how happy we would be…

      • So wish the same! It blows my mind that men want to share their feelings with the OW yet find it so difficult to open up to the women that married them. Lessons to teach my sons…your wife should be your confidant, best friend and most trusted soulmate. If not, they are not the girl for you!

  2. Sissy says:

    I have those voices too. One that will at random times make me feel so soft and loving toward him until the other puts my guards back up. I’m working damn hard on drowning the latter out.

  3. pabloswife says:

    You aren’t a fool Kelly! You’re husband was the fool… and that’s putting it mildly!!! Like most of us, I’m sure you’re husband was noticeably different when he was cheating, he wasn’t a great liar, you just didn’t know to look for the lies!!

    • horsesrcumin says:

      PW. Mine was a great liar. Even he is astounded at how great. He could hold me, tickle me, kiss me, love me, look me dead in the eye and tell lies. On-the-spot lies. That made perfect sense. Pupils stayed the same. He remained calm. I never picked it. He was an EXPERT liar. Next level. He says it is one of the things that truly disgusts him, this skill he didn’t know he had. Urghh. Liars are just the pits. The pond scum. Always hated liars. Now he refuses to even tell a “kind” white lie. Makes him feel filthy lying anymore. No matter how onto it we are now, no matter how we KNOW this was their crap, not ours, a fool is what we feel. No way ’round it.

      • Sissy says:

        My husband is like this. I’m usually really really good at reading people but he was next level. No tells, ticks, body language, diversions, nothing. He’s also extremely intelligent with great memory recall so he never slipped or changed his story, ever, not until the big the came clean. He was also able to be an incredibly hood husband on the surface. It’s damn scary.

      • horsesrcumin says:

        Sissy, same. Never slipped up on the story. Not once. But he came clean straight away. I mean after she ratted him out, lol. No trickle truth, Just the facts. I did get a few, “I don’t remembers,” but I actually think he wasn’t sure and didn’t want to commit to answers until he was – not deliberate avoidance – mostly about things like dates. He would come to me when he had nutted those out and tell me. He was done with it all, done with being a liar, done with her psycho ass, he just wanted truth and for things to calm down for rebuilding. He even got straight away that we would never go back to the awesome that we were, but the relief that he wouldn’t have to take it to the grave was something I think he felt, as that was his “plan” never tell, and never do it again. But as he says, how does he know he would have never done it again if he hadn’t dealt with the whys, wheres, hows, etc out in the sun?

        I thought I was intuitive and good at reading people (and I am learning again that I am, but he was GOOD at this shit!) It has taken me a long time to realise that I didn’t get it wrong, he just hid it extra well!

    • Hell yeah he was a fool, i’m kind of the bomb diggity…but a foolish one. I just didn’t listen to that voice before, I muzzled it, called myself crazy.

      I think I would rather be crazy, than be a fool.

  4. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, stupid & foolish are certainly words that do not describe the person I know through your blog! You are a kind woman who was blind sided by the one person she thought would never hurt her, besides what wife ever thinks their husband could lie to them for months or years! You were like me in the respect that we were too damn trusting!!!

    • Sometimes I fear that trust is stupid and I am destined to be a fool. The road there is paved with my kindness.

      Thank you for your kind words Joan, it’s nice to know I have friends who have my back.

  5. Pingback: Make it Go Away.. | How To Not Hate My Husband

  6. The voice ahh.. I have a voice too and it sucks as well. I hope yours shuts the fuck up because if yours is anything like mine it just is out to kill and destroy my family, marriage, friendships and mind.
    My voice looks all pretty and shiny in the forms of protection and self-preservation. As if I can really protect myself from M’s dumb choices? “He’s a liar” “He will never love you” “His love is second rate” “You wasted your life on this asshole”

    I usually cower to this voice, but after I read this post I realized I am letting my voice bring in paranoia, depression, and grief. I gain no reward by listening to the jack-ass voice that makes me want to pack up our children and drive off into the sunset.

    That voice will not hold my children as they cry for their Dad, that voice does not comfort me when I’m sad and lonely, the voice just brings me self-sabotaging pain..

    In many ways I trust M and this replying has helped me see that I trust him with our children, our finances, our yard, my food.. The only area I don’t trust him in is my heart. To protect me and keep me safe.

    I don’t believe him.. I don’t believe he has it in him…

    Anyways here’s to that stupid voice shutting the fuck up because Kelly and Mr. Man and their children are surviving this blow they’ve been given and progress does not need to be derailed by voices that don’t encourage and breath life into their precious family and in that beautiful brain of Kelly’s ❤ ❤ ❤

    • I think it’s too soon to muzzle that voice, I think it’s way too soon. Maybe in another 2 years…or ten. It’s the voice who refuses to ever let me be a fool again.

      • You know that is not very encouraging seriously 10 flipping years??!! I don’t want to hear my voice for 10 years.. or maybe I do.. ugh.. 😦

      • Crap this surviving stuff makes me nervous!! You think I will still hear the voice in 10 years!! Ugh.. 😦 😦
        How can the voice do that. How can the voice protect you from being a fool again?
        Sorry if you’ve answered that question before.
        I know my pals have told me to watch the voices in my head and see who and what they are.
        What’s your take on the voice? Is it a voice of discernment, fear, neither?
        Just looking for some wisdom over here in newbie land.. ❤

  7. horsesrcumin says:

    nothate, believe me, you are still in early days, and no one can do anything but hang on for the ride those first six to twenty-four months take you on. Yes, focus on the good, but realise that what you feel and think is what we all did. Your psyche is in full protect nothate mode. Trust is earned, and once broken it is extremely difficult to restore, maybe never, but time and work do make things more manageable. First couples’ therapist said that I would never feel trust like I had again, but not to panic (I was panicking!) that was okay, believe it or not, because my trust was “naive trust” and I would build/find another way of coping that isn’t so naive in the future, if we did the work. That is true. I don’t believe the trust I had was healthy, despite the fact that I LOVED that trust and the way it made me feel, and a certain amount of mistrust is fine. But, I am more than five years out, and it probably took me to the four year mark to accept I was never going to trust that wonderfully freeing way again, not anyone, but that was mostly okay.

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