What Do You Want

A silly question was asked yesterday. “What Kelly are you going to be now?”

I was talking to a friend and it was asked jokingly, a question between two women who have known each other for 18 years. She has watched me grow up and raise my family. She was heartbroken when she heard of the affair. She defended my husband, and has always had my best interests at heart. She not only follows my blog but sometimes she even reads it naked as she’s getting out of the shower.

So, “Which Kelly am I going to be?”

Am I going to be Angry Kelly, Crazy Kelly, Sad Kelly? I’d really like to be just Kelly again. I wish I could find a way to bring her back, to have just one more day with her. Some of you never got a chance to meet her, and I think you would have liked her. She was naïve, and a little judgmental. I think that was because really bad shit had never personally touched her. She could see the good in anything, so she was a good person to call when you were in the middle of your own crisis. She was sweet, in a “I don’t know how to help you, but I’ll bake you some cookies and pour you a drink.” kind of way.

I get to decide which Kelly I want to be now. I get to look back and rebuild/reuse the pieces I want. I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t think I could ever be naïve again. I’m really trying to be an optimistic person.

Sweet is hard, I find myself jaded now. I find myself wondering why people don’t fix their shit. I feel empathy, but I want to know “What are you doing to move forward?” I want everyone to be like “No more cookies for me Kelly!! I ‘ll take my drink to go, because I have too much to fix/do to just sit around!!” It’s not right. I know sometimes everyone needs a pity party for one, I think it just makes me mad at the time I lost.

I lost a year. A whole year I can never get back. I want my year back. I want to not sit around in the dark, pulling the covers over my head, refusing to believe this was the life I was living. Arguing with my inner voices. Listening to the whiny whore voice in my head. Not letting anyone help me. Ripping off any band-aid, busting open the healing scars, and picking at the past. All I did for a year…an entire year…how pathetic.

I’m coming up on my second D-Day, and my goal is to find the new Kelly.

I just hope she is someone I like.

“Now tell me, what do you want?
What do you want?
What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears
Or just the memories?

You keep takin’ me back
Takin’ me back where I’ve already been
When we hang up it’s almost like
I’m losing you again

-Jerrod Niemann


This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to What Do You Want

  1. pabloswife says:

    I think that part of overcoming infidelity is coming to terms with the fact that not only will our husbands never be the men they were, but neither unfortunately, will we. I keep telling my husband that I will never be the woman I was, the person I was supposed to be. That his actions have changed me FOREVER. They have changed the course of my life. I will never be the person I was meant to be because of him and his whore. Because of their complete and utter selfishness.

    And that’s not fair.

    Nothing about this is fair and it sucks giant fucking balls!!

    I never knew the “old” Kelly but I really like the “new” one 🙂

  2. brokenjoan says:

    I like all the Kellys’, Angry Kelly I certainly understand where she’s coming from, Crazy Kelly a little scary, but hey didn’t this drive us all over the edge at some point, Sad Kelly made me cry because I knew that deep sadness she was feeling & my heart breaks for all the Kellys’! And like PW said I didn’t know the old, but I like my friend that has helped me so much, while I laughed & cried! XO Joan 😀

  3. Listen, Sybil, I like all versions of you!

    Mourning our old selves and lives will just prolong the pain. Life is so fleeting. I’m not saying forgive and forget — shit, I am NOT there yet (if ever). I just think we are stronger for what we’ve been through. Sadder, for sure. Unfair, ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. But, we are different and stronger for it. We can’t go back. Yes, I would love to go back and not look and think of my husband as a shit head for what he did. I’m sure he thinks the same when he looks at me with my infidelity.

    I guess it’s about progress and moving forward. That’s what I’ve got to do. Some days it feels like I’m doing so at a good speed, other days not at all, I feel stuck.

    So, Sybil — I love all the variations of you – you are like a bouquet of flowers – many colors and varieties 😉

  4. Jamie says:

    I can relate to all the Kelly’s and I think that they have all made you the incredibly amazing woman you are today. Sadly we can never go back to who we were before D day. That person is gone. That life is gone. We are left here trying to do the best that we can to keep moving forward and to find forgiveness.
    I know for myself I do not like the Jamie that is here now. I feel sad, alone, paranoid, crazy and insecure. I haven’t ever been this person before. I am struggling to pick up the pieces and discover who I am now post D day. The only thing I am sure of is that I have to be the best that I can be for my girls. I can not let this nightmare make me bitter and miserable forever. The whore has taken away enough. I have to draw the line. My girls deserve better and I have to figure out how to give them the best version of the new Jamie. Thank you all for making me feel a little less alone. We can do this! Hugs to all!

  5. horsesrcumin says:

    Yep. Ditto to all of the above. There were always multiple Kellys – they just were not quite so diverse! You have added to the collection, and deleted a few (dammit, some of those old Paulas, I bloody well loved – especially Trusting Paula!) Such is life, as “they” say. BTW, I think you are incredible, healing nicely.

  6. I agree with everyone else. We love you! All of the “you’s”!! I am slowly making my peace with the fact there are a number of Grace’s rolling around in my head. The old girl? She gone!!

  7. Pingback: After the affair | The House on Chestnut Street

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s