A silly question was asked yesterday. “What Kelly are you going to be now?”
I was talking to a friend and it was asked jokingly, a question between two women who have known each other for 18 years. She has watched me grow up and raise my family. She was heartbroken when she heard of the affair. She defended my husband, and has always had my best interests at heart. She not only follows my blog but sometimes she even reads it naked as she’s getting out of the shower.
So, “Which Kelly am I going to be?”
Am I going to be Angry Kelly, Crazy Kelly, Sad Kelly? I’d really like to be just Kelly again. I wish I could find a way to bring her back, to have just one more day with her. Some of you never got a chance to meet her, and I think you would have liked her. She was naïve, and a little judgmental. I think that was because really bad shit had never personally touched her. She could see the good in anything, so she was a good person to call when you were in the middle of your own crisis. She was sweet, in a “I don’t know how to help you, but I’ll bake you some cookies and pour you a drink.” kind of way.
I get to decide which Kelly I want to be now. I get to look back and rebuild/reuse the pieces I want. I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t think I could ever be naïve again. I’m really trying to be an optimistic person.
Sweet is hard, I find myself jaded now. I find myself wondering why people don’t fix their shit. I feel empathy, but I want to know “What are you doing to move forward?” I want everyone to be like “No more cookies for me Kelly!! I ‘ll take my drink to go, because I have too much to fix/do to just sit around!!” It’s not right. I know sometimes everyone needs a pity party for one, I think it just makes me mad at the time I lost.
I lost a year. A whole year I can never get back. I want my year back. I want to not sit around in the dark, pulling the covers over my head, refusing to believe this was the life I was living. Arguing with my inner voices. Listening to the whiny whore voice in my head. Not letting anyone help me. Ripping off any band-aid, busting open the healing scars, and picking at the past. All I did for a year…an entire year…how pathetic.
I’m coming up on my second D-Day, and my goal is to find the new Kelly.
I just hope she is someone I like.
“Now tell me, what do you want?
What do you want?
What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears
Or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back
Takin’ me back where I’ve already been
When we hang up it’s almost like
I’m losing you again”