If I Could Turn Back Time

What’s so hard about September, Kelly?

Well since you all asked so nicely, let me start my list with Assholes and Death. Both of which are a part of my life, and both of which I hate.

Assholes? My husband was a giant asshole. He was a huge asshole. An asshole of cosmic proportions. He made me feel alone. He made me feel like shit. He made me feel like assholes make the people around them feel. It still makes me angry, and it still makes me want to call him an asshole.

“Asshole!! You are an Asshole. A horrible ASSHOLE!! AaaSSsssHHhoollee!!” I scream in my empty silent house.

I feel better, but unfortunately my voice no matter how loud, can’t travel back through time. Wish it could, because I’d have a few other ‘choice’ words to say. Instead I am just yelling at an empty house, where that man came to visit me and his family, when he wasn’t busy playing with a whore.

I know he’s not that same man today, but sometimes I see the shadow, the flash of him. If you have seen the new ‘Sons of Anarchy’ preview? They show the person’s face then there is a flash and you see the skull, the death underneath? That’s what I see sometimes, a light goes off and all the sudden that ‘Dick’ from the past is there. It is usually caused by no action of his present self, it can be a word or a memory which triggers it. Doesn’t matter why,  all the sudden I’m face to face with Dickhole Dan and I want to throat punch him.

‘Dickhole Dan’? It’s a long story but to give you the short version…During the affair my husband was an ass, he was an ass to me and the kids, and I don’t think he thought we noticed. We did. One of my ‘kids’ started calling him ‘Dickhole Dan’ (my actual children? They aren’t allowed to cuss in front of me, so this hint narrows the field on which ‘kid’ refered to him as such). In my kid’s defense? He knew something was up, he would talk about my husband as ‘fun husband’ and ‘Dickhole Dan’ and separate the two, as if they were two separate men living…two separate lives. Out of the mouths of babes, huh? Or in this case mouthy teenagers with potty mouths.  Which just strengthens my theory on ‘Kids Are Smart’ and we could learn a lot by treating them like it and listening to them.

Wow, I can feel the anger today. Assholes make me angry and remembering him makes me one pissed off person. I like the anger though, I like it a lot more than the sadness which death brings.

I think I will wait for the death post.

Angry and Sad together are not a good combination for me.

“If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I’d take back those words that have hurt you
And you’d stay

I don’t know why I did the things I did
I don’t know why I said the things I said
Pride’s like a knife, it can cut deep inside
Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes”


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3 Responses to If I Could Turn Back Time

  1. Come on Angry let’s dance to Shake it off by Taylor Swift ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
    My fog is starting to come too and the love I had for my husband and our relationship is making me see what an asshole my husband was. Remember the asshole now and then makes me mad too.

    Hey, hey, hey, just think while you've been getting down and out about the liars and dirty, dirty cheats in the world you could have been getting down to this sick beat
    : Taylor Swift – Shake It Off Lyrics

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    …and the fucking (sorry Kelly, I wasn’t allowed to swear in front of my mother either – adult or child) cycle continues. the flashes of anger – and disappointment – are spaced further apart, but they still cycle past fairly regularly. Much love as this moment passes through…..

  3. pabloswife says:

    Dickhole Dan! I love it!! Your kids are a riot, wonder where they get that from? 😉

    Hugs to you as the sadness washes over you for the umpteenth time. Hopefully today will be a better day xx

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