You Found Me

So assholes and death, Kelly, huh?”Bob asks me.

Yep.”

Nothing else bothers you about September?” Bob questions.

Nope…”

Hmm, I think you are pushing things down again Kelly,” Bob advices,” If I remember right it doesn’t usually end well.”

Bob you are an asshole.”

I’m actually a figment of your imagination Kelly,” Bob replied laughing,” and if I’m an asshole, what does that say about you?”

Sometimes I hate Bob, my inner psychologist, he won’t let me ignore the issues. He’s always all “You have to face your inner demons, and slay them or they will never go away“.

I know this, I really do, but sometimes it is hard. I am so tired, so stinking tired, and I want to bury my head in the sand. But I’m not made that way. I wish I was.

Why is September so hard? What is it that has brought me to my knees, again? Why am I arguing with Bob instead of going all Towanda (Fried Green Tomatoes…haven’t watched it? Please do so.) on my issues like I usually do? Why so silent lately? Why is my husband begging me to write more, to get it out?

WHAT THE HELL IS UP KELLY!!??!!?!”

Next week is my 20th wedding anniversary….

It was always supposed to be kind of a big deal…

And I honestly don’t know how I’m going to face it…

More later I promise, but I can’t write about it today…

I really dislike Bob today.

“I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, “Where you been?” He said, “Ask anything”

Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone it never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me

But in the end everyone ends up alone

-Fray-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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14 Responses to You Found Me

  1. pabloswife says:

    Next week is my 20th too Kelly. I am having a bad day. I can’t believe that the man who stood next to me in church, turned out to be a lying cheating asshole. Today, I just can’t get my head around it. I want to run away. I want to be done. I’m tired. Today I want out. Tomorrow has to be a better day. Right??

  2. My 20th anniversary was 5 months. Like the two of you, I never would have thought that guy standing with me in the church would turn into a lying, cheating asshole. But he did. We are dealing with his mess and working on restoring our marriage. It just plain sucks and it is hard. But you already know that. I was so conflicted about our anniversary. Celebrate?? Ignore it?? Hit him in the face and remind him, again, that he ruined everything??? Soooo many decisions. 20 is a big deal. It is a long time. He wanted to celebrate but said we would do whatever I wanted. It took me a long time, but I decided we could go to dinner to honor our anniversary. Why? I decided that if we are going to work this out and stay together we needed to at least recognize the day. I didn’t want to look back 20 years from now and have skipping this on the long list of things we missed because of his affair. For me, if we are moving forward, it had to start somewhere – one little step at a time. I worried about regretting my decision for a while, but 5 months later I think I made the right decision for me.

    • work in progress says:

      Its my 20th wedding anniversary next month. I still don’t have my wedding photos up. I can’t even watch weddings on tv because they make me cry. I think marriage vows should b more like I’ll take out the trash, won’t squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle, I’ll put the toilet seat down. The whole promise to b faithful that should just b removed. I believe in love. He is a good man even tho he was an asshole then. Its just hard because I’m still conflicted. I guess its bittersweet. He is treating me like he should have been all along. I, like everyone else, believed their marriage was sacred. I didn’t think it was possible that he would have an affair. I just don’t get it, and I probably never will. I believe in love. I still love him, but its hard to celebrate a promise that was not kept

  3. pabloswife says:

    Thank you June or not June LOL!!

    Twenty years IS such an achievement. I fully expected to get there without it being tarnished with the infidelity brush tho!! What an idiot. I was so proud of us, of our marriage and now I feel like a complete and utter fool… I know I wasn’t the fool, he was, but I still feel like one nevertheless!

    My husband is taking me away for our anniversary. I told him he had some things to do before I would consider going, he’s almost there. I looked for a card, Hallmark is severely missing a trick here! Usually I have a problem picking just the one, this year I haven’t been able to find a single card. Maybe I’ll give it a miss this year!

    I have bought my husband a gift but I want nothing in return, nothing I will spend the rest of my life remembering what an ass he was… there are already way too may triggers around here! Maybe a nice dinner, a trip away, is the better option, nothing tangible. We can just get thru the day and breath 🙂

    • I agree, Hallmark is really missing a whole market. They need the “you cheated and you’re an ass” section for all occasions – birthdays, father’s day, anniversaries….. We didn’t “celebrate” at all. No gifts, no cards, no flowers – nothing. We just went out for a nice and really expensive dinner. I didn’t want anything to remind me of this anniversary either, but I didn’t want to skip it because that would have been just another bad memory and probable trigger for me later.

  4. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly & PW, it will be a hard day, but hey haven’t all our days been hard, I have treated our last 2 Anniversaries as just another day in “PARADISE!” I can’t celebrate something that doesn’t exist for me anymore, but that’s just my crazy way of dealing, you guys do whatever helps you get through the day! Hugs to you both, Joan

  5. brokenjoan says:

    I also agree with everyone about the cards, cannot bring myself to buy one! I’m not the only one, our middle son said he couldn’t find a card for Fathers Day, because they all talked about dad being a great guy & he doesn’t feel that way anymore, so sad!

    • horsesrcumin says:

      Oh Joan. I love your son! Sometimes it is best if they can just talk to their fathers, and tell them. “I don’t hate you, you’re my Dad, and I appreciate all of the good things you did for me, but I HATE what you did to my awesome Mum, and I will never feel the same way about you again. Still love you. But hate your stupidity and selfish actions. I don”t respect you the way I once did, the way I would love to now.” Cards and platitudes were never part of who we were – so I have no problem with none anymore – but I certainly wouldn’t give one now.

  6. horsesrcumin says:

    My 20th was low key, but lovely. He fucked a whore the following year but I didn’t know for eighteen months he was fucking a whore. I ignored our 25th other than a very brief FB comment acknowledging the day I moved in with my best friend. I had always planned a HUGE boozy, music, gorgeous food and decorations silver party. Nope. Not going there. Just too sad for me to celebrate anything about who we used to be.

  7. cupcakes4eva says:

    Our 22d was in July. I used to be so proud of making it each anniversary. He wanted to celebrate it, I asked him what he was celebrating….that he’s cheated on me since year one….that he’s resented my success instead of claiming it as our successes like I was…that he’s never treasured me as I have him…loved me as I have him….valued his family like I have….what the hell was he celebrating 22 years of? Sheesh, I guess I’m having a bad day too. I found out the name of one of his whores today & it’s taking all I have not to email her.

  8. My daily goal is to channel Towanda! And September is Hell month for me too. Hang in there you are not alone.

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