You Are My Sunshine

I want to stay in bed for the next week and hide.

How’s that for the brave strong woman you all think I am? I want to pull the covers over my head and hide from everything. I want to just lay there and cry and sleep, then repeat until the week is over.

That is all, is it really asking too much?

Yeah, I guess it is, because I keep getting signs from God.

Yes, God…don’t believe it? I can live with your disbelief, because those ‘signs’ are all that’s keeping me going this week. Well that and caffeine, lots and lots of caffeine.

Monday I was breaking, can’t do this…CAN NOT DO THIS!!!

I get a random call from my oldest son, doesn’t need anything he just called to visit. Then not ten minutes later, my kid from Ohio calls me. He too, was calling just to check in and tell me he is coming ‘home’ in October for a visit. He is going to take some time off work so he can stay for several days. He talked with me for over 30 minutes, just catching up. I so missed his laugh, his voice, and his presence in my life. Talking to them gave me a lift in my spirits, it quieted the voices, and gave me strength.

Tuesday was a struggle, Lou was sick and home, and I kept thinking “I can’t do this..” I got a text from my future daughter-in-law, telling me she would “be home Thursday night, so could she go by the school and eat lunch with Lou?” Answer me this? What College kid wants to spend their day off going to eat lunch with a Pre-K class? It pointed out to me,

“Yo Kelly? You’ve got some pretty kick ass people in your life.”

Then I received a call from Miguel, he is having his baby Monday. I am going to be a ‘grandma’ a ‘mumsy’ on Monday, my son of my heart is going to be a Daddy. I am going to have a new boy in my life to love, how blessed am I?

I got a new follower in my own daytime drama, my blog, my struggle. I read her comment Tuesday night and it was needed, I needed to hear “Hey Kelly you aren’t alone, and your struggle means something, it makes total strangers feel not so alone.” The post she commented on? ‘True Love’, ironic? Totally and if I was a betting woman? A smack from God…

Wednesday I was running around the house (I’m hosting football team night, and have 40 football players and 15 cheerleaders coming to eat) and what was sitting on my couch? The little green velvet box from my wedding ring, last time I had seen it? Almost two years ago when I set it out with my ring in it for my husband. There it sat, and it made me cry.

Talking to my sister today, I told her “it’s hard, and I’m so tired of it hurting”. We talked for an hour and she asked the hard questions…

Is your marriage in a better place? “Yes” I finally admitted after a long pause.

Do you think he loves you? “Yes” after an even longer pause.

Do you love him? “Yes, but it hurts too…”

I went on to tell her my dream of a time machine because me being angry this week, makes me once again want to go back two years, fly to Valdez, and beat the shit out of him with my baseball bat. I want my fucking time machine…NOW.

I told her how on my really bad days, I wished he had left me. I wished he had chosen her because I could have moved on, I could be healed already. And her words then stuck with me…

“I’m so glad he stuck around, I’m so thankful he stuck by you, because in my heart I know he saved you. And he was the only person who could have…”

Sometimes I hate my sister for always telling the truth and ruining my make-believe world. Once again she’s right, Do you hear me sister? You are right, he was the only person who could have saved me. The only one who could have brought me, Kelly, out on the other side. Cracked and beaten up, but not forever broken. Crazy but still sane. I have in the last 22 months, remembered how to laugh till I cry, to love with all my heart, and to find the good in people. I don’t know who I would have been had he not stuck around? Not the person I am today. If I was a betting person? Angry and vindictive, mean and bitter would be what I’d wager all my chips on.

So thank you God for smacking me, and reminding me I have such blessings in my life. I have people who love me. I am struggling but I will not break. I am stronger than I think.

i will keep walking lord

 

 

 

 

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7 Responses to You Are My Sunshine

  1. Shelly wright says:

    Keep that head held hi girly!

  2. DJ says:

    You have brought me to tears – that is exactly how I so often feel.

    There are some bloggers whose husbands left them. It is not easier or faster for them to heal. There is no way to win except to just go through it, with or without our cheating spouses. But you know this. It was just the pain talking for the past few days. I’m glad you heard God’s voice in the signs He sent you.

  3. bamboozled1 says:

    its not necessarily easier when they leave, at least you dont have to look at them, talk to them, be reminded by them… all the time heh. but i get what you mean, any other different scenario seems like it HAS to be better than the one youre in… bits of them are tho… at least in our imaginations heh… my one, is that he had just died… dropped off the face of the planet., cremated, tossed in the ocean, died. would that have been easier? in some ways, yeah. i guess. fate of the universe vs my personal failure 😛

    the hurt is exhausting, the stuff in our heads is mind blowing… literally, but, yep, we are all stronger than any of us think… even when you get to the point where you realise youre not going to die… you might give a little *YES!* but then… you get smacked in the face with figuring out how to claw your way back up again… fun aint it?

    youll be good, and happy, and awesome again 🙂 one day, hold on to it!

  4. Maria says:

    … couldn’t have said it better myself!

  5. julesedison says:

    Just what I needed to read this morning. Thanks Kelly. I used to love the fall. Now? Not so much.

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