I always imagined that I’d spend this weekend on a cruise.
Or on the beach with a drink in my hand and a smile on my lips. Instead I’m in an empty house doing laundry and rearranging the house. I have spent the last week cleaning and painting. Keeping so busy I don’t have time for thoughts, because the thoughts aren’t pretty. My house is though…
I have taken pictures which still bring me to tears and hung them in the stairway, or upstairs hallway. I don’t go there much throughout the day, so it’s a good place to hide them. They are of my kids, and memories which still hurt so I don’t want them in my face. On the flip side they are of MY KIDS, and the memories I made WITH THEM, so I refuse to put them away in a dark closet. I didn’t do anything wrong…
I didn’t cheat on my kids, I was here living with them, loving them, being their mom. So I will not let the triggers and the affair take them from me.
As I was rearranging today, I found some empty picture frames. I know what was in one of them, my last family photo taken during the affair. There sits my husband surrounded by me and the kids, smiling a smug smile. I hate him…totally hate that person. I wanted to rip the picture up, and then light it on fire. I had sent him a copy framed for his work apartment. It was never put up. He had pictures of the whores daughters on his fridge but he never put up his family photo. He wouldn’t have wanted to make the whore uncomfortable.
I left that picture in the dark, it won’t ever make it out to grace a wall again. I almost did the divorce picture technique to it. You know take the scissors and cut his lying cheating self out of it. I then thought about printing off a picture of George Clooney and pasting his face over my husbands. Wonder what he would have said? Look there is your family picture on the mantle with another guy’s face taped to your body. Maybe it could be a daily reminder for him of what almost happened to his spot. At least in my fantasy it could have happened.
I am angry today.
I saw the hammer sitting on the counter, left there after I hung more pictures. I felt myself picking it up, and using it to bash his skull in… till there was nothing but blood, bone and brain on my kitchen floor. I picked it up and put it away in my utility closet for his safety.
I am angry that instead of laying on a beach, laughing I am in an empty house crying.
I am really angry.
I found one of my oldest son’s senior pictures. It was a candid shot of him kissing me on the cheek. I was laughing and he was scrunching up his face, as if it killed him to kiss me. I loved the picture. I don’t have many pictures of me with my kids, I’m always on the other side of the camera. So I really, REALLY LOVED THAT PICTURE.
I framed and sent a copy of it to my husband too. He never put it up, it was thrown up in the dark in his closet. I took it out of the frame when I was in Alaska, and I brought it home with me. Today when I saw it the waterworks started.
I deserved better. My son deserved better. We didn’t deserve to be put in the dark. To be hidden away like something you are ashamed of.
I put it in a frame today. The frame is too big, it’s an awkward size, so I will have to buy it a new frame when I go to town. But in the meantime it is sitting on my buffet, front and center where it always should have been.
It’s my own personal “FUCK YOU!!” to my husband and the whore.
I am really angry today.
I think I might put the hammer downstairs in the storage closet.
- “That Earl had to die, goodbye EarlThose black-eyed peas, they tasted alright to me, EarlYou’re feelin’ weak? Why don’t you lay down and sleep, EarlAin’t it dark wrapped up in that tarp, EarlThe cops came by to bring Earl inThey searched the house high and lowThen they tipped their hats and said, thank you ladiesIf you hear from him let us knowWell the weeks went by and spring turned to summerAnd summer faded into fallAnd it turns out he was a missing person who nobody missed at allSo the girls bought some land and a roadside standOut on highway 109They sell Tennessee ham and strawberry jamAnd they don’t lose any sleep at night, ’causeEarl had to die, goodbye EarlWe need a break, let’s go out to the lake, EarlWe’ll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, EarlIs that alright? Good! Let’s go for a ride, Earl”-Dixie Chicks-