Goodbye Earl

I always imagined that I’d spend this weekend on a cruise.

Or on the beach with a drink in my hand and a smile on my lips. Instead I’m in an empty house doing laundry and rearranging the house. I have spent the last week cleaning and painting. Keeping so busy I don’t have time for thoughts, because the thoughts aren’t pretty. My house is though…

I have taken pictures which still bring me to tears and hung them in the stairway, or upstairs hallway. I don’t go there much throughout the day, so it’s a good place to hide them. They are of my kids, and memories which still hurt so I don’t want them in my face. On the flip side they are of MY KIDS, and the memories I made WITH THEM,  so I refuse to put them away in a dark closet. I didn’t do anything wrong…

I didn’t cheat on my kids, I was here living with them, loving them, being their mom. So I will not let the triggers and the affair take them from me.

As I was rearranging today, I found some empty picture frames. I know what was in one of  them, my last family photo taken during the affair. There sits my husband surrounded by me and the kids, smiling a smug smile. I hate him…totally hate that person. I wanted to rip the picture up, and then light it on fire. I had sent him a copy framed for his work apartment. It was never put up. He had pictures of the whores daughters on his fridge but he never put up his family photo. He wouldn’t have wanted to make the whore uncomfortable.

I left that picture in the dark, it won’t ever make it out to grace a wall again. I almost did the divorce picture technique to it. You know take the scissors and cut his lying cheating self out of it. I then thought about printing off a picture of George Clooney and pasting his face over my husbands. Wonder what he would have said? Look there is your family picture on the mantle with another guy’s face taped to your body. Maybe it could be a daily reminder for him of what almost happened to his spot. At least in my fantasy it could have happened.

I am angry today.

I saw the hammer sitting on the counter, left there after I hung more pictures. I felt myself picking it up, and using it to bash his skull in… till there was nothing but blood, bone and brain on my kitchen floor. I picked it up and put it away in my utility closet for his safety.

I am angry that instead of laying on a beach, laughing I am in an empty house crying.

I am really angry.

I found one of my oldest son’s senior pictures. It was a candid shot of him kissing me on the cheek. I was laughing and he was scrunching up his face, as if it killed him to kiss me. I loved the picture. I don’t have many pictures of me with my kids, I’m always on the other side of the camera. So I really, REALLY LOVED THAT PICTURE.

I framed and sent a copy of it to my husband too. He never put it up, it was thrown up in the dark in his closet. I took it out of the frame when I was in Alaska, and I brought it home with me. Today when I saw it the waterworks started.

I deserved better. My son deserved better. We didn’t deserve to be put in the dark. To be hidden away like something you are ashamed of.

I put it in a frame today. The frame is too big, it’s an awkward size, so I will have to buy it a new frame when I go to town. But in the meantime it is sitting on my buffet, front and center where it always should have been.

It’s my own personal “FUCK YOU!!” to my husband and the whore.

I am really angry today.

I think I might put the hammer downstairs in the storage closet.

    • “That Earl had to die, goodbye Earl
      Those black-eyed peas, they tasted alright to me, Earl
      You’re feelin’ weak? Why don’t you lay down and sleep, Earl
      Ain’t it dark wrapped up in that tarp, Earl
      The cops came by to bring Earl in
      They searched the house high and low
      Then they tipped their hats and said, thank you ladies
      If you hear from him let us know
      Well the weeks went by and spring turned to summer
      And summer faded into fall
      And it turns out he was a missing person who nobody missed at all
      So the girls bought some land and a roadside stand
      Out on highway 109
      They sell Tennessee ham and strawberry jam
      And they don’t lose any sleep at night, ’cause
      Earl had to die, goodbye Earl
      We need a break, let’s go out to the lake, Earl
      We’ll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, Earl
      Is that alright? Good! Let’s go for a ride, Earl”
      -Dixie Chicks-

 

 

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23 Responses to Goodbye Earl

  1. Jamie says:

    I wish you were smiling on a beach with a fruity drink too. You deserve at least that! I hate that you know the hurt and anger that I am feeling. I hate whores. I hate lies. I hate men for being weak and stupid. Is it obvious that I too am feeling incredibly sad and angry?

    We didn’t deserve this bullshit but more importantly our children didn’t deserve it. How do we move past that? It’s one thing to hurt me but a whole other ball game when it comes to my children!

    I wish I had something to cheer you up. Take the hammer outside and beat something with it maybe that will help.

    Hang in there my friend! We will survive this!

  2. I knew exactly what Dixie Chick song you were talking about! I remember that song.
    Oh dear Kelly, you are so right you and your babies never belonged in the dark.. but I hope once again I may be overstepping my newbie place, but neither did he.

    That husband who your sister said was the only person on Earth could have helped you out of this. He never belonged in the dark to do darkish things to you and your children. God wanted him out of the dark, and you are so much a part of helping him heal. To help your husband along to walk with your husband in Christ..He couldn’t have done with peace in his heart, peace with his family.. you have given your husband that gift

    Oh how reading about that apartment kills me.. that dam Alaska apartment and then I go downstairs to look for some beans. I store food in my basement and I hear him. I haven’t heard him in months play in that room. The room I wanted to make sure he had. The room I would leave him cards in and that is where he would be alone with her for hours so he could practice, or work on homework.. While I took care of our kids.. yeah so he could betray me behind my back.. I ripped up every card around that dam desk..

    I wish I could devalue how that room pisses me off and I can’t go in there without taking a deep breath and my chest hurting. I wish I could forget.

    I’m so sorry Kelly, sorry for him as well..
    Here’s to always shining a light no matter who tries to hide us. Here’s to you Kelly not smashing his brains in and being part of the judicial system. Here’s to you loving the unlovable and gently restoring one to Christ ❤

    I am so sad today as well.. too sad to be angry today..

  3. Julesedison says:

    I’ve been waiting for this song to make an appearance.😍

  4. Julesedison says:

    I’ve been waiting for this song to make an appearance.😍

    • Today I want to make a pot of black eyed peas, and watch him eat two big servings

      • julesedison says:

        Thinking of you today. Hope you are making it through the week ok.

        Today is Dday for me. I’m a year out from you and am walking on eggshells today to try and not tip my emotions. My husband is out of town — could be good or bad, haven’t decided yet. In some ways it seems impossible that that was three years ago. Seems like I have been walking this walk for a century, but then why does it still stop me in my tracks. Next month for me is the anniversary challenge. He thinks its such a wonderful day now, and I don’t think it means shit. Oh well.

        Hang in there, Kelly. September will be over soon and then you have 11 months before you need to face it again.

  5. horsesrcumin says:

    I love this. And hate this. September has been too cruel to our positive Kelly, the one who is FAR too cute for prison – even if Orange is the New Black (don’t even know what I’m talking ’bout here, never seen the show, lol.) The part I love is selfish, that I am not the only one who still spirals downward occasionally. But of course, I absolutely hate that this is happening again to one of my favourite “success stories.”

    I loved your sister’s pep talk, but to be honest, I felt it was a little “rah, rah, rah, go Mr Kelly, you are ‘The One’,” when in the end, no matter how much he has helped, this is down to you. YOU are the one dragging yourself out of the quagmire. YOU are strong, incredibly forgiving and determined to ensure light wins over darkness. I know, I know, it’s a team effort, but really, I think you are just incredible. I thank you for sharing the dark as well as the light, because sometimes – mostly – the success stories are needed, but sometimes they make me feel like I am failing at this game!

    • You my sweet friend could never fail, because you never agreed to play. You are the kid on the playground who is reading a book and a kid comes up and says “Tag You’re It” while smacking you on the back. “Hey Fucker I’m not playing!!!” Is totally acceptable to yell. I yell it all the time.
      Shit if I’m a success story, I want to know who decided that? I’m just crawling on most days. I always try to be honest on here in the dark or light

  6. I completely agree with Paula’s point above. It is about you and your strength: 1) admitting you are angry, 2) hating September, 3) hating that you are not on that damn tropical island, 4) family photos during the affair time, 5) your ass of a husband for doing this to you!

    You are strong. You are invincible and fucking hell, YOU ARE WOMAN!!!

    Thank you, thank you, I’m here all night … xxoo

    • I used to think I am woman hear me roar…my greatest fear? It’s now I am woman hear me whine. Although in I guess true Kelly fashion it’s “I am Kelly hear me plan murder by hammer”

      My questions are: 1.) Will I ever get over the anger? 2.) Will I ever get over the triggers and 3.) Will I ever stop talking about myself in third person?

      • My answers:

        1) nope
        2) nope
        3) who’s Kelly?

        Seriously, though — anger will abate over time. (remove all hammers from the premises. Triggers will hopefully (notice the root of that word? Hope) will become less and less and become more fleeting. And, thank you are STILL talking, either in 3rd person or in first. AS LONG AS YOU ARE STILL TALKING!

        It’s when you go quiet that your husband should worry 😉

        Seriously, September blows for you guys (me too because that’s when they fucked). October is going to blow for me!

        Hugs — just keep feeling. If you go numb, then that’s a bad sign.

        Remember what Grandpa would say and channel some of his sage advice. I’m sure he’s got a few good lines or two!

  7. Mark says:

    I have to agree with everyone — and I think we call all admit we have been there. We have been hurt, demoralized, and embarrassed. However, here we stand, and through forums like this, United.

    I never thought I was a person to hate people as much as I do, and in many ways I wish I could hue them as much as I have been hurt — yet, here I stand, stronger.

    We will always have this reminder — and even some often positives in my life like my four year old sone, can hurt, as that was when the affair started (I even question in my mind, is he really mine), but I love him, he is my budd. We have that new strength that we have developed through understanding ourselves, our hurt, and the hours asking how on earth we made it to this place in life …. Yet, we stand even prouder.

    Change is difficult .. Especially when change was not something that ever crossed our minds — yet, here we are, pushed into this awkward point in life to have to start over. The great thing is that love, devotion, commitment can be found again, we can trust again, we can feel like someone’s centre of attention again, and you know what — we are too good for them anyway.

    Keep on expressing — and we will keep supporting. Remember the positives — the silver lining in every picture, moment, and memory.

    • What you say is true, totally hard to do at times but so true.

      • Mark says:

        Hard is an understatement — although, not very ladylike — I invested in a 100 lb punching bag (I am happy to say the urge to use it has not come across for months) and push up grips. Between two and my ….. Twigging my fingers as my sign to calm myself down as she is not worth it … Have all helped keep me moving forward ….

      • Mark says:

        Although I do have to confess “Goodbye Earl” has made it to the Sonos a few times tonight.

  8. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, please tell me those black eyed peas aren’t poisoned! Orange may be popular this year, but hardly anyone looks good in that color! Sad days are really hard, hang tough! XO Joan

  9. I was a little less controlled than you when it comes to the hammer. No, I didn’t whack my husband in the head – but I wanted to…… I did take my favorite hammer to his cell phone. The one he used to talk to the trashy whore. The one she texted him on. They one she sent him skanky whore pictures on. I made him change his number, but one day that just wasn’t enough. I walked by him while he was texting his brother and just the sight of him texting was too much. It took it outside and beat the crap out of it with my trusty hammer. It felt so good to see it’s smashed guts all over the driveway!! Now he has a phone that he never used to talk to his trashy whore. And I have moved on from my desire to smack things with a hammer. Destroy something, Kelly. It is OK. Just don’t let it be Mr. Kelly’s noggin! 😉

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