Time After Time

I wore my mother’s wedding dress.

How’s that for a cliché? I wore my mother’s wedding dress, and I was married in my grandma’s little church. My sister stood beside me, my maid of honor…his cousin stood beside him. It was a small simple wedding, with four little flower girls, my baby sister, my neice who’s getting married next summer, and our two baby cousins. It was only family, we didn’t invite friends, we wanted it kept small and simple.

Our oldest son sat on the front row in a little red cardigan, he was in our wedding pictures. I remember when my other boys were little they would pull out the pictures and look at them, and ask why they didn’t get to be in our wedding pictures. We’d always laugh and explain how they hadn’t been born yet. My youngest son didn’t accept our answer and once told us how we should have waited on them.

I walked down the aisle to “Look At You Girl”, an old country song.

If my wishes were answered? My ass fairy finally flew out? I got my time machine? I could go back to that day?

It rained, which is supposed to be good luck…yes I had to stop and laugh for a minute.

But let’s say I jumped in my time machine, packing an umbrella, what would I do? Do I give up my one trip back in time (I’m willing to bet I’d only get one trip…my fairies and time machines aren’t limitless, this isn’t Olive Garden’s never ending pasta bowl), and my desire to catch my husband with the whore and put them both in the hospital? Do I put my recurring wish aside to visit myself on my wedding day? Picking up an umbrella instead of a baseball bat or sledge hammer?

I think I might.

If I go twenty years in the past and set the controls to 9/24/1994, and arrive in a flash of lights and smoke, behind the church as people are arriving. I’d be able to tell I was there by the big hair, and ugly clothes. Do I try to blend in or do I just wait? Wait for her to walk by, flustered and running late?

There she is, Oh my gosh she’s just a baby, will she talk to me? Will she know me? I think so, she always loved science fiction, she would give in to curiosity. Maybe I should wait and when the preacher asks if anyone objects make a dramatic entrance. Throw the church doors open and yell…

“Yes, I, Kelly of the future OBJECT!! She is going to give 20 years of her life up and keep her vows, he is going to break her heart by not keeping his. So I FUCKING OBJ??!?!?” My speech was cut short by my sister tackling me. She doesn’t do science fiction, so she wouldn’t believe me. She would only see a crazy ruining her baby sister’s wedding.

So I guess I’d have to pull her aside by herself, she waited in the nursery to walk down the aisle. I could slip in there and hide. There she would be pacing, she does that when she is nervous. She is nervous too, she hates being in the spotlight.

” Kelly, I need to warn you,” I’d come out slowly to not startle her. “I know this is going to sound crazy, but I’m you in twenty years.”

After she got over the shock, I think she’d listen.

But what would I say then? “Don’t do this!!”

By not doing it, by walking away before I got hurt, I wouldn’t have my younger three children. I would be changing the person I am today. The person I became. I would be walking away from a man who loved me, punishing him for the sins of his future self. I would be taking away every happy memory of the last twenty years. No babies, no family,  no laughter, no tears, everything gone in a puff.

If I gave her the information of the future, a warning to run, would I see myself changing like on “Back to the Future”, would I look in the mirror and see an unhappy person. A person who had ran from the heartbreak, but lost herself in the process. Would I be standing there in business attire, with a blackberry phone, no pictures on it of all my kids, just emails and calendar reminders of meetings. No cow poop on my dress shoes, no calluses on my hands, my manicure perfect on my ring less fingers.

Would I be putting her on a path of happiness? Or would it just be a really sad empty life?

I think I would just sit in the back of the church, tears rolling down my cheeks as I watched those two stupid kids…so full of hope and dreams. Not a clue as to how hard life would get. Never believing they wouldn’t make it. Thinking love could survive anything.

As he leaned down and put his hands on her waist, pulling her close to kiss her, I’d walk out.

They had 15 years of happiness, of forsaking all others, of happily ever after…

who am I to ruin that?

Lyin’ in my bed I hear the clock tick
And think of you
Caught up in circles confusion
Is nothing new
Flashback warm nights
Almost left behind
Suitcase of memories
Time after

Sometimes you picture me
I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me I can’t hear
What you’ve said
Then you say go slow
I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time”

-Cyndi Lauper-

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8 Responses to Time After Time

  1. I love it and hate it too..
    I’ve wondered that too..
    Btw the sister part was the funniest. Your sister sounds like the best.

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, sometimes I get so discouraged knowing my life will never be the same again & it’s final, because I don’t buy into our marriage will be better than ev

  3. brokenjoan says:

    Oops finger slip! Can’t buy into the fact that my marriage will be better than ever! Having a bad day, no particular reason, just am!

  4. What are those sappy lines from movies? The ones that say, I’d rather spend 15 years with you in happiness then none at all…

    Makes me think of that movie, Practical Magic, those two sisters changed their fate but lived through heartache to get there, too.

    Yeah, back row, tear stained face with a bottle of Jack in the purse. That’s the right move…xxoo

    Yet, I think I would leave written notes in the house on the right dates when he took the job up in Alaska and warn your “past” self and tell her what to look out for…Cancan whores, etc.

    😉

  5. Why would you not go back to before the affair and change the steps leading to it?

    • Well because on my angry days I want to face the people who did this to me. My husband is not the same man, so I’d have to go back in time to find the man he was.

      As for why my wedding day? It was in my thoughts because twenty years ago today I married him. My thoughts were what would I say if I could talk to my twenty year old self?

      Can anyone say for sure what if changed would fix a marriage broke by an affair? What the exact cause was? I know I can’t…I’ve watched “The Butterfly Effect” What if I “fixed” the wrong thing and made it worse? Pushed him to her, provoked him to suicide? Or just made it happen sooner?

      I guess at the end of the day the real answer is there will never be a fairy or a time machine, so I don’t have to wonder too hard what I would do:)

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