I’m a month out from my blogs one year anniversary…
I started this to heal and thought my sister and a few friends would read it. I was right, my sister and 270 other people subscribe to it, and a few friends. I have said before I’m coming to an end, I can tell because I post less often, I need to write with less urgency, and my story is almost all told.
It makes me sad, because I’ve made some friends along the way, and I have helped some lost souls. They break my heart because I was them…I mean I was just like them…I was so broken. I’m still broken, but not how I was. I have found some peace from the voices, my strength from the support of others, and I have more good days than bad (although there are still weeks when the bad days win).
I once thought wouldn’t it be cool if I got like a thousand views, if my words were read a thousand times? I’m going to be at 100,00 views this month…shut the front door!!! How the hell did that happen? And I’ve been read all around the world, by countries I haven’t even heard of…How’s that for an ordinary, nothing extraordinary person, who wrote her first post with tears streaming down her face?
I’ve been asked publicly and privately if I will ever write a book…I don’t know. Digging down through the dirt on the surface was so stinking hard, I know to go deeper I would be tearing at the scars on my heart.
One summer 7 years ago, I decided I wanted a Koi pond in my backyard, so I grabbed a shovel and started digging. In true Kelly fashion I got through it just because I was too stubborn to quit. I had blisters that popped and would blister again and finally turned to callouses, I used a heating pad and hot bath every evening so I could move the next day. It ended up being four feet deep and five-six feet long and wide. I got 2 feet down and hit rock so I grabbed a pickax and a crow bar to get through the rock. I was so proud when I finished, but I don’t know if I could do it again. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, and have the will power left in me to dig another pond.
It’s kind of the same about writing a book, I’d have to go deep and immerse myself in the dark. I just now got to where I can see the light, I have dug my hole and am ready to put in the liner and fish…I would have to throw it all back in, the dirt and rock, then throw in some cement to bind it and start over.
I’d like to say I’m not afraid…but I know I am. I don’t want to get lost in the dark, to get stuck there, whistling and singing at the top of my lungs to keep the monsters at bay.
I am tired.
I am scared.
I am ready to just set by the pond and feed my goldfish.
But sometimes I feel like maybe all of THIS…the total fuckardy of my once happy life, could be made to matter.
I feel like God is sometimes smacking me and saying “You Kelly, can help, you can make a difference, maybe save a life or marriage or two along the way”
Then I think “Seriously Kelly? You are just meant to be a mom and a wife, how vain are you to think you could be something more?”
I’d like to say I know what I’m going to do, I know what is in my future.
I guess I’d like a guarantee that “If you write it, they will read it” or just “It will matter to someone”.
Then I think of my kids and wonder if it isn’t time to just let it all be over, the unwanted attention me writing this blog caused them. Do they really want to be reminded of it all again?
I don’t know…
I know I didn’t ask for this.
I know I can just let it all go and it will be a mere chapter in my life.
But it would be really nice if all the bad shit lead up to something good.
But I’m rambling now…
I have time to decide where this story goes…and if this is the final chapter.
“We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
and ask for forgiveness;
We’ll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you’ll count on the me from yesterday.
If I turn into another,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we’ll always have each other
When everything else is gone.”