Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

Last year at this time I was a mess.

Saying I was a mess might be a slight understatement.

I was slightly to the left of totally insane and a wide right of anything resembling normal. I was coming up on my first D-Day, and I didn’t know how to face it.

D-day’s are extremely trigger filled for betrayed spouses.

Which is what they call people like me  in the infidelity world.

If I was naming us I’d call us by a different name not one which was shortened to BS.

We are not BS, I might have been fed shit by a whiny whore but I am not BS.

The life I have been given, the one MY LIFE  was turned into might be BS, but I am not.

Bull Shit might be something I am familiar with but please don’t mistake me for it.

Sorry I digress but I hate being a BS, and then they refer to the ‘other women’ as mistresses?

Mistresses?

Listen if you are going to call me a BS please call them whores, there is nothing cool or Hollywood about them.

Most are low self-esteem, “Hey I’ll fuck anything”, I’ll trade you sex for a drink, I hate my life can I steal your wife’s, no morals, fat thighed, whiny big assed whores…

And deep breath in, and now out…better.

So D-day, it’s a faithful spouses new anniversary of their marriage.

We used to have wedding anniversaries like everyone else and then our world came crashing down. Most of us don’t/can’t celebrate them now, they remind us of what we lost, what we were promised, and what we can never ever get back.

We now have D-days instead, our own personal day of Hell, when we get to remember the day we lost everything…

our sanity

our spouses

our pride

our innocence, and our lives as we knew them.

They are usually taken in a spilt second.

The time it takes to read a text

answer a phone

glance at an email

or in my case read a misspelled whiny ass letter (and people ask me how I know the whore wrote the letter…because it reeked of her stupidity and whininess.).

I am more sane this year as it approaches. Notice I did not say “I am sane”, blog of truth people, I ain’t going to lie and tell you all I’m sane.

I would say the scales have tipped slightly more towards sane this year, and I am hoping I can handle the day better. Will I cry? Absolutely.

Something no one knows about me?

I mourn.

I mourn throughout the year,  for the people I lost in my life, I see it as paying them respect.

On my birthday, I say a little prayer for my dad, hoping he found happiness in Heaven. We share the same birthday, and so on that day I tell him” hi, I miss you, I hope you are happy, I hope you are proud of the person I became”. I cry a few tears and let myself mourn him.

I do the same for my grandparents, and my friends who have passed. I say “Hey you, you still matter and I still miss you everyday“, can they hear me? I like to think they can, and as I think of them they are allowed a glimpse into my life.

My dad gets to see the grandkids he never got to meet.

My sweet friend who died too young of cancer, gets a chance to see Lou.

My grandparents sit with me on their day, a pass back from Heaven for 24 hours .

My thinking of them keeps them alive and present to me, with me, especially on the days I mourn and remember them.

Silly?

Probably but it brings me peace and reminds me of how much I loved them.

I’m going to mourn me on my D-day.

It was a day of death.

My marriage died, my family as I knew it was gone, and the person I was became a ghost of her former self.

I’m going to mourn it because no one else will.

I’m going to mourn her, the person I was, because she mattered. She mattered to me, and she is gone, and I’m so stinking sorry she doesn’t exist anymore.

I think if she sees me on D-day, if she spends the day with me? She would be proud of the person I have become.

D-day is coming.

Deep breath in…and out.

Season’s come and seasons go
Nothing stays the same
I grew up, fell in love
Met a girl who took my name

Year by year, made a life
In this sleepy little town
I thought we’d grow old together
Lord, I sure do miss her now

‘Cause there’s holes in the floor of heaven
 And her tears are pourin’ down
 That’s how you know she’s watchin’
Wishing she could be here now

And sometimes if you’re lonely
Just remember she can see
 There’s holes in the floor of heaven
 And she’s watchin’ over you and me”

-Blake Shelton-

 

 

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9 Responses to Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly I’m so proud of you, me & everyone of us on these blogs who choose to stand up everyday & try to wade through the shit that the affair caused us! I’m not the same person either & I never will be again & I am also sad about that, but I can’t bring her back!

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    That was beautiful, Kelly. Mourn away. Me too xxx. It’s important. Those people and those feelings were real and mourning is part of acknowledgement they meant something deep, lasting and real.

  3. shelly says:

    Love you girl

  4. I don’t pray often… but I’m going to pray – to ask – that you’re cared for that day. That everything you feel has a cushioned place to catch you and your sorrow. Much love, NH.

  5. That’s what I get for commenting while in Reader! Sorry, *Kelly!* gah

  6. DJ says:

    I’m just like you, Kelly. I keep the memories of loved ones alive. Unfortunately, that very practice makes it difficult to let go of the pain of Dday. So while I practice affirmations every other day of the year, on Dday I allow myself the day to mourn my losses. There was so much loss. Everything was swallowed up in a sea of lava, never to be seen again. Then I pick myself up off the floor and stand tall again. So you go right ahead and let yourself have time to mourn. At two years, still it needs to be more than just Dday antiversaries. But you will stand tall afterwards. I know you will.

  7. pabloswife says:

    Posted on my new, not-so-special day, my first D Day 😦

    It certainly is the day “when we get to remember the day we lost everything…our sanity, our spouses, our pride, our innocence, and our lives as we knew them.” 😥 But then in all honesty, not a day has gone by this year when I haven’t thought about my husband and the whore!

    An affair… the gift that just keeps on giving!! Keep breathing Kelly, you got this my sweet, pig wrestling friend xx

  8. brokenjoan says:

    PW & Kelly, hugs to you both, stay strong! XO Joan

  9. youwillneverbeme says:

    Bigs hugs 🙂 stay strong ! xx

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