Desperado

It’s coming…

Do you hear it too? Is it just me? I can hear it, feel it in every fiber of my being…

Edgar Allen Poe knew what I was talking about, he wrote a story called “The Tell-Tale Heart”. He heard it too…

A year ago I dismembered the affair, I pulled it apart and threw it out of my heart. I buried it deep with the high-pitched whine of the whore’s voice. I buried it under the floor boards and told myself,

“You Kelly,  are not going to let her and the affair drive you insane, you are going to fight…” and put the boards back, hiding the body.

I know how Poe’s character felt, as he heard the heart of the dead man beating. It is driving me insane, feeling it beat and come back to life. It is haunting me, and it makes it so hard to breathe. My chest is tight, my heart is heavy, and I hear the blood pounding in my ears.

My husband feels it too, I realized it last night. He can feel it and hear it and he is sad.

Tomorrow is the day he got his life back two years ago, only problem? By him getting his back I lost mine. I lost it, it was there and then gone in an instant. I witnessed my children’s hearts break and heard their cries of agony. I felt my heart shatter into tiny pieces. I watched as love was eclipsed by hate. My marriage as I had known it was gone.

He got his life back, the affair ended, the lies stopped and he remembered who he was.

I spent a year lost in depression and sadness.

Last year I stepped out of the darkness and set out upon a path to healing. It has sucked…A LOT. Many a shitty day I have spent walking down that path determined to find my happy again.

Tomorrow is my D-Day. It is my new anniversary. It has been two years since my life ended. TWO YEARS.

How am I going to spend the day?

I think I might tear up the floor boards of the house and find that bitch I buried last year.  I’m going to move her out by the shit pile…you know where we take all the pig crap, and cow poop with the shavings and dump them. I’m going to bury her fat ass and the affair memories far from my family. The shit pile seems a better place than my home.

Then I’m going to go watch my middle son’s last football game ever. I am going to be surrounded by my still whole family.

But first at exactly four o’clock? The exact time my life was taken?  I am going to stand on my roof, figure out which direction Alaska is and wave my middle finger at the whore. Then I’m going to scream to her, as loud as I can ” Bite me you Bitch, I WON!!!” just like I did last year on my D-day anniversary.

Then I will continue down my path to the happiness which once lived here.

“Oh, you’re a hard one but I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you can hurt you somehow

Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get

Desperado, oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walkin’ through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feelin’ goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’ but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
(Let somebody love you)
You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”

-Eagles-

 

 

I

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13 Responses to Desperado

  1. Not ready... says:

    This time last year the affair started. In not too long it will be the first anniversary of the day I found out about it. I like you. I have been reading your blog for a little while now. This is my first comment on anything anywhere. I don’t really do comments lol. But I feel I have these friends now, that understand things about my life without knowing anything about it, and what’s happening to my mind…friends that don’t know me that I watch in secret. Lol, which let’s face it is a bit creepy! I have found both solace and anguish in these ‘friends’. I admire you and your open, honest journey. So on this oh so lovely ‘anniversary’ of mine and before yours tomorrow I just want to say thank you and that I am so sorry for your pain, I wish I could put a stop to it like my own. Ok, off to have a cry now. xo

    • I didn’t comment or write my first year 🙂 hell I was barely present in my life .

      I’m honored to be your first blog comment. Don’t feel creepy most people don’t comment, they come here to not feel so alone, to cry and sometimes laugh.

      Thank you for your kind words and hugs to you as you face your first D-Day

    • horsesrcumin says:

      I didn’t either. Then I found a website. I hoped. Much later I found out how totally changed I am. I was nearly five years out before blogging myself. I wrote a couple of “letters to her” – unsent. Hang in there, not ready.

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, I will be thinking of you tomorrow, but that’s nothing new I often think of my sisters on here, I cherish each & everyone of you. But now having gone through 2 Ddays, I don’t feel they are now any different than all the other pain filled days through out the year, but that’s just me! Hugs to a sweet friend from Joan

  3. pabloswife says:

    I’ll be thinking of you too Kelly… might try and get on my roof and wave my middle finger to the Cancan whore of Valdez… if you don’t hear from me again it probably means I fell off but at least I’ll have died with a smile only face. On a side note, maybe we should all come and bury our whores in your shit pile 😀

    Wishing your son good luck tomorrow for the game… this senior year is going far too fast for my liking!!!

  4. Oh PW don’t fall off the roof please we need you!! 🙂

  5. Will be saying a prayer for you Kelly tomorrow.. ❤ you to pieces.. seriously..

  6. I like pabloswife suggestion of burying all the whores in the shit pile LOL. I’ll even send my shovel, all the way from Australia. My D-Day is Sunday. I have to try not to give that date power. It’s just another day, right? No, actually, it’s not. It’s the day we all died inside. It’s the day we realised the person who should have loved us more than anyone made somebody else more important. It’s the day we were thrust down a dark tunnel of uncertainty, constantly questioning our sanity, our judgement, our feelings. Strength to you, Kelly, and to all of us. SWxo

  7. It makes me giggle that you talk about burying the whore in the shit pile. I recently compared the trashy whore in my story to the grocery bag of dog shit that gets picked up in my backyard, thrown away, then hauled off to a dump two counties away. It is where they belong, you know, it the shit pile.

    I decided a few months ago that the trashy whore no longer is allowed in my home. I no longer sit around hating her, wishing bad things would happen to her, or anything else. (Although I did giggle when I heard her son went to visit his dad for the weekend and refused to come home because he thinks she is “disgusting”. ) She, at my husband’s invitation, spent to long being a negative factor in my life, my marriage, and my family. I’m not going to let her do that any longer.

    Pull up those floor boards, yank her rotting, stinking carcass out of there and put her in the shit pile. It is where she belongs. she does not belong in your house. Remember, the narrator of Poe’s short story was driven mad by the sound of the heart beating below his feet. Don’t let the whore take your sanity too!! 😉

  8. Kellster (my new nickname for you…if you don’t like it, let me know because I’ll think of another one), your imagery made me also think of Practical Magic where Sandra Bullock started ripping up the floor boards to kill the death beetle. So, whether it was Poe or Practical Magic, I loved it.

    Tossing her into the shit pile is a great idea. She should decompose very quickly because she’s mostly crap inside. Not sure the roses will grow well…but her compost can be used to line the bedding for the pigs? Actually, don’t even toss her in your own shit pile…dump her in the local town dump. Her shit does stink, after all! xxoo

  9. youwillneverbeme says:

    Thinking of you and how strong you have been.

    Remember we are the lucky ones , we aren’t jealous of others they are jealous of us . part of me knows that these women only do wat they do because they want to be like us. we are the lucky ones we found someone we loved , married them and built a loving family and home . We have been through absolute hell because of them but it has made us stronger and better people . All they have is a black heart !

    Shit faced whores , will always be shit faced whores ! so when you raise that middle finger up you raise it up high for us all with a big smile on your face YOU WON ! 😘

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