Do you hear it too? Is it just me? I can hear it, feel it in every fiber of my being…
Edgar Allen Poe knew what I was talking about, he wrote a story called “The Tell-Tale Heart”. He heard it too…
A year ago I dismembered the affair, I pulled it apart and threw it out of my heart. I buried it deep with the high-pitched whine of the whore’s voice. I buried it under the floor boards and told myself,
“You Kelly, are not going to let her and the affair drive you insane, you are going to fight…” and put the boards back, hiding the body.
I know how Poe’s character felt, as he heard the heart of the dead man beating. It is driving me insane, feeling it beat and come back to life. It is haunting me, and it makes it so hard to breathe. My chest is tight, my heart is heavy, and I hear the blood pounding in my ears.
My husband feels it too, I realized it last night. He can feel it and hear it and he is sad.
Tomorrow is the day he got his life back two years ago, only problem? By him getting his back I lost mine. I lost it, it was there and then gone in an instant. I witnessed my children’s hearts break and heard their cries of agony. I felt my heart shatter into tiny pieces. I watched as love was eclipsed by hate. My marriage as I had known it was gone.
He got his life back, the affair ended, the lies stopped and he remembered who he was.
I spent a year lost in depression and sadness.
Last year I stepped out of the darkness and set out upon a path to healing. It has sucked…A LOT. Many a shitty day I have spent walking down that path determined to find my happy again.
Tomorrow is my D-Day. It is my new anniversary. It has been two years since my life ended. TWO YEARS.
How am I going to spend the day?
I think I might tear up the floor boards of the house and find that bitch I buried last year. I’m going to move her out by the shit pile…you know where we take all the pig crap, and cow poop with the shavings and dump them. I’m going to bury her fat ass and the affair memories far from my family. The shit pile seems a better place than my home.
Then I’m going to go watch my middle son’s last football game ever. I am going to be surrounded by my still whole family.
But first at exactly four o’clock? The exact time my life was taken? I am going to stand on my roof, figure out which direction Alaska is and wave my middle finger at the whore. Then I’m going to scream to her, as loud as I can ” Bite me you Bitch, I WON!!!” just like I did last year on my D-day anniversary.
Then I will continue down my path to the happiness which once lived here.
“Oh, you’re a hard one but I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin’ you can hurt you somehow
Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get
Desperado, oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walkin’ through this world all alone
Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feelin’ goes away?
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin’ but there’s a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
(Let somebody love you)
You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”