Betrayal/Forgiveness

Today is my husband’s birthday…

Last year it was a trigger, this year I have made peace with the day. I have found a lot of peace lately, true peace in my heart.

So the other day I was thinking “What do I give him for his birthday?” He is hard to buy for, and I know my giving him presents now makes him uncomfortable. He doesn’t like for me to make him a cup of coffee, let alone spend time and money on him. Let’s take a minute and contemplate that…

He feels so bad, so disgusted by his actions, that he feels like his wife making him a simple cup of coffee is undeserved.

“He deserves it!!!” Screams Angry Kelly.

“Makes me so stinking sad!!!” Cries Sad Kelly.

“Let’s shit in a box for his birthday!!!” Suggests Crazy Kelly.

“Good Lord!! Give it a rest already!! Don’t you think after two years its time to let go??” They all turn around as Just Kelly walks in.

That’s Right, Just Kelly…she is mostly sane, doesn’t cry too much and has pushed the anger out of her heart. She remembers (Let’s be honest she will never forget) but she doesn’t let the thoughts consume her or the anger. She still limps along sometimes and has scars but she is healing everyday.

I kind of like her, she’s easier to live with than the other three bitches.

What is she giving her husband for his birthday?

Forgiveness…

Honest to goodness, from my heart and soul FORGIVENESS.

I’m really tired of watching my best friend, the only man I’ve ever loved punish himself every second of every day for the awful choice he made.

I am being selfish too, I’m tired of living in the past. FYI it sucked and was really kind of awful. Why would I choose to willingly go back, and why would I ever leave someone I love there? In the dark, alone with just a fat whiny demon to keep him company.

So today I am moving on, and giving him the only gift I know he wants, my saying “I forgive you.”

And for the first time since it all began I am hoping through those three little words he will find peace.

” Β All that I ever wanted
To understand my nightmares
Possessed by my fears
Betrayed by my pride
Alone I wandered in the deepest dark
Seeking comfort from the vanity
Each time I escaped the real
My soul died, died a bit more
Confronting the evil within
Praying for my angel to appear
Agonized whisper into the emptiness
Begging for salvation – salvation for this cursed mind
Words without meaning
Touch without feeling
I do not recognize my own face
Eyes that were once shining
Now extinguished
Left only a silent cold
Sound of a tear falling down
In the desperate hour of loneliness
This shattered heart reaching
For it’s relief – the relief it cannot find
Glance without affection
Kiss without sensitivity
Promise without comprehension
Love without hope
I do not remember my own tale
Betrayed by my anger
Betrayed by my delusions
Betrayed by my lust
(I wish)
Strength – to be released from my demons
(I desire)
Wisdom – to forgive the past
To forgive me”

-Apocalyptica-

 

 

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14 Responses to Betrayal/Forgiveness

  1. brokenjoan says:

    And dear friend I hope those three little words give you peace also, you deserve it! Hugs from Joan

  2. steph208 says:

    Awwww Kelly I love this! I like those other 3 bitches too, but you are the best!

    • I know what you mean they kind of grow on you but trust me after living with them for over two years I’d kind of like to throat punch them πŸ™‚ Love you Steph πŸ™‚ thanks for always having my back

  3. Kelly, you are amazing. What a beautiful gift. I hope he feels the weight lifted, and may you experience the joy of that. SWxo

  4. pabloswife says:

    ❀ The best gift he will ever receive and hopefully the best one you will ever give. ❀

  5. I think that is the ultimate gift — not only for him, but more importantly for you, Kelly! Awesome! xxoo

  6. horsesrcumin says:

    Just. Well. Done. Love this, Just Kelly xx

  7. Jamie says:

    Once again I an in awe of you. What an amazing gift for you to give. I hope that this new year brings you you peace and happiness.

  8. I keep coming back and rereading this. I don’t know why other than I think I need reassurance that forgiveness can/does happen. I long for the day that I can honestly say those words to my husband, I am just not ready yet. 19 months is not enough time for me, I still have a lot of healing to do.

    You have given me hope for the future and for that I thank you.

    • Athena Saber says:

      Good luck. I feel the pain in your words. I’m going through a divorce and I can just say that if there’s hope in a new start and you really really believe your spouse, then I hope forgiveness is your next step. I wish you the best.

  9. Athena Saber says:

    Beautiful gift for you and him. I hope you find 2015 to be a good year for your family.

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