Today is my husband’s birthday…
Last year it was a trigger, this year I have made peace with the day. I have found a lot of peace lately, true peace in my heart.
So the other day I was thinking “What do I give him for his birthday?” He is hard to buy for, and I know my giving him presents now makes him uncomfortable. He doesn’t like for me to make him a cup of coffee, let alone spend time and money on him. Let’s take a minute and contemplate that…
He feels so bad, so disgusted by his actions, that he feels like his wife making him a simple cup of coffee is undeserved.
“He deserves it!!!” Screams Angry Kelly.
“Makes me so stinking sad!!!” Cries Sad Kelly.
“Let’s shit in a box for his birthday!!!” Suggests Crazy Kelly.
“Good Lord!! Give it a rest already!! Don’t you think after two years its time to let go??” They all turn around as Just Kelly walks in.
That’s Right, Just Kelly…she is mostly sane, doesn’t cry too much and has pushed the anger out of her heart. She remembers (Let’s be honest she will never forget) but she doesn’t let the thoughts consume her or the anger. She still limps along sometimes and has scars but she is healing everyday.
I kind of like her, she’s easier to live with than the other three bitches.
What is she giving her husband for his birthday?
Honest to goodness, from my heart and soul FORGIVENESS.
I’m really tired of watching my best friend, the only man I’ve ever loved punish himself every second of every day for the awful choice he made.
I am being selfish too, I’m tired of living in the past. FYI it sucked and was really kind of awful. Why would I choose to willingly go back, and why would I ever leave someone I love there? In the dark, alone with just a fat whiny demon to keep him company.
So today I am moving on, and giving him the only gift I know he wants, my saying “I forgive you.”
And for the first time since it all began I am hoping through those three little words he will find peace.
” All that I ever wanted
To understand my nightmares
Possessed by my fears
Betrayed by my pride
Alone I wandered in the deepest dark
Seeking comfort from the vanity
Each time I escaped the real
My soul died, died a bit more
Confronting the evil within
Praying for my angel to appear
Agonized whisper into the emptiness
Begging for salvation – salvation for this cursed mind
Words without meaning
Touch without feeling
I do not recognize my own face
Eyes that were once shining
Left only a silent cold
Sound of a tear falling down
In the desperate hour of loneliness
This shattered heart reaching
For it’s relief – the relief it cannot find
Glance without affection
Kiss without sensitivity
Promise without comprehension
Love without hope
I do not remember my own tale
Betrayed by my anger
Betrayed by my delusions
Betrayed by my lust
Strength – to be released from my demons
Wisdom – to forgive the past
To forgive me”