What Hurts The Most

 

Hi…my name is Kelly and I am a betrayed spouse…”

“Hi Kelly…”

I’m 809 days into my recovery.”

“And?” Asks Bob my inner therapist.

And I’m okay?”

“And Okay is good enough?” Questions Angry Kelly from the audience.

Okay is better than horrible…better than dead…Hey it’s better than bitter and angry.”

“What’s wrong with angry?” Angry Kelly stands up and starts heading to the front.

Nothing, I mean I just don’t like being angry all the time, and acting crazy or bitter…”

“So now you are too good to be shitting on cars or keeping people in dog crates? Ooohhh look at the ‘goody goody’ being all sane and okay!!!” Crazy Kelly joins Angry Kelly as she storms to the front.

“I wish I was okay…” cries Sad Kelly from the back of the room as she sits rocking back and forth.

I get it I do.

Okay is shit.

Okay sucks.

Okay is just that, okay…

I used to be better than okay. I used to be good and on some days? Great…I became a betrayed spouse and ‘Okay’ is as good as it gets.

I was asked the other day if I was recovered.

Recovered? Betrayed spouses are like recovering addicts, we will never be fully well again. We will never be recovered or the same, we will never be healed, we will just be taking it day-to-day for the rest of our lives, praying we don’t relapse and go all the way back.

I think it sucks. Why are we the ones who are stuck with issues?

I didn’t get to have any drunken benders, have any ‘fun’, be stupid and selfish. I was the one here, changing diapers, feeding cows, and chasing teenage boys. I never got a vacation from reality, got to regress to my 20’s and pretend to be something other than a mom.

I get to spend the rest of my life in recovery for someone else’s actions, okay two ‘someone’s’ and it isn’t fair.

I am 809 days into this…EIGHT HUNDRED AND NINE FUCKING DAYS.

I wish I could tell those in the beginning of their journey, who are looking for comfort and for me to be someone to hold up as a beacon of hope in their newly destroyed lives…

” Hell yeah I’m recovered and just fine, good as new”

I don’t lie on here though.

I don’t think you ever ‘recover”.

I think we get to be in recovery forever.

Scary thought?

What the Hell is 809 days on the journey to forever?

Just one small baby step down the road of infidelity…

“I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ’em out

I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away

And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken”

– Rascal Flatts –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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22 Responses to What Hurts The Most

  1. Nephila says:

    Don’t sell yourself short. No betrayed spouse is bitter or crazy. Don’t like our response to your actions? Blame yourself then.

    Okay is kind of a miracle in the circumstances. But we deserve so much better. We always did.

    What hurts the most is the scars are forever. And the stain on him is forever too. So even when reconciling is the best choice it is still stained and tainted and scarred.

  2. brokenjoan says:

    That’s where I am 2 years later, I just now have finally found acceptance that it happened, but I know I will never recover, how can you recover from such a betrayal, that’s why I have never set my goals very high! I have pretty much done all I can do, I have accepted the fact my husband loved me, just not enough! I also know I can never truthfully say that I forgive him, so I’m not even going to worry about that! As for me, I may be on this so called road to recovery, but I know it’s a journey without a reward, I know this sounds pessimistic, but not to me I’m a realistic person, it is what it is & I’m dealing with my new life! Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down just like everyone else going through this

    • The nightmare to me is if I leave …life as I loved it ends..I change my sons life and my dream and my family picture is gone. The whore wins! And off running he goes .. It’s a nightmare I’ve been having since 1/20/2015- see my whore is a family friend… Been in my home .. We went to dinner together.. She is a whore and a husband snatcher and my husband took the bait. What a big stupid jerk he is… BSJ

  3. horsesrcumin says:

    2081. 2081 is the number of my days that have been scarred. Man. That is a LOT! I love that you made me count, Kelly, lol! I am with you all here, it is a journey, not a destination, as there is no end to this journey. I think I posted elsewhere a few days ago that I will never be healed, but I am healing, and yeah, that’s as good as it gets. Sucks. But it is what it is and there is no way around, over or under it. I have thought it is like recovering addiction for a couple of years now. In fact, around the four year mark, I probably decided that I didn’t want to be with the one who made this happen anymore, but am still not okay, even without him. In fact, maybe going back to being with him and being “okay” is a better option? He keeps telling me that he thinks it is the best of a bad bunch of options for me, and I have resisted that, thinking that I needed to get rid of him to get rid of the pain. To be honest, I knew that wouldn’t happen. Infidelity takes all of the gloss of what was once a rich, sparkly and truly satisfying life. What. Evah! (As there is no adult response to the lack of agency I feel I was left with.)

    Thanks Kelly, for sharing that, yeah, things are okay, but they’re not the same, not better, not because I wish that on you, but because it makes me feel like less of a sad freak, to know that you feel this way, too xxx

    Honestly, I wonder if the January Blues are the problem, we fight for a good family time over the holiday period, and then real life sets back in, with a vengeance, and we all fall in that same pit for a while. Slowly clawing my way out again, but I am damn sick of these smelly, damp, tear-soaked pits!

  4. JULES says:

    you know why…..you know why…..you will never be ok again ….you will be ok when you leave the man that destroyed you,,,,there is not one reason to put up with what he did and rugsweep it as reconciliation…in your soul you know he cannot ever be forgiving…..there is nothing to this disgusting broken man that a human being can say I put up with it because I love him…..you will end up sick wrinkled up and sick as long as you carry all his baggage…….YOU DID NOT DO THIS….YOU DID NOTHING WRONG….YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE AND TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT…HE HAs done neither…why are you suffering so much when you can be so happy with someone else…..cut your strings….he is no good….why do you sleep with the enemy….he already showed you what he really thinks of you…..he alreagy showed you who he is….and you think you love this poor excuse for a man….you are just in denial..kick his ass back to all his mistresses……..there are too many woman sleeping in your bed …way too many

    • I am going to disagree for several reasons…One anyone who knows me knows I don’t sweep things under the rug. I’m a face my problem head on kind of girl. Two he treats me with love and respect now, if he didnt and hadn’t shown TRUE remorse we wouldn’t be together. And three ALL people make mistakes BIG and small it doesn’t make them sorry excuses for human beings, I think it makes them human. And finally I stay because I DO LOVE HIM, for better or worse, in sickness and health and in good times and bad. I have also forgiven him, I don’t carry the anger and bitterness with me anymore by forgiving.

      • horsesrcumin says:

        And if you note, Jules, I am no longer with my cheater, and yet feel the same. Mine was also intensely remorseful and there was no rug sweeping. Getting rid of a totally remorseful cheater who works their bum off does not make everything alright again. I still feel no joy nor peace. Kelly’s husband is embarrassed and totally sorry. It isn’t about the cheater, but about the changed way you feel about life.

  5. pabloswife says:

    Hello Miss Kelly, sure have missed you and all your crazy bitches round here! I agree with you and with Paula. Life will never be the same, it won’t be better but hopefully one day it will no longer feel worse. People do make mistakes and they will pay for them for the rest of their lives, as will we. It doesn’t necessarily make them a bad person, an evil person, just a stupid fucking idiot.

    Should you always leave a cheater?
    Will your life be better for leaving?

    Who knows. Maybe it would be, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe we should all leave our cheating asshole husband’s and find ourselves with the man of our dreams, one who would never hurt us, hell maybe I’ll find Ian Sommerhalder at the end of my rainbow… but then again, maybe I won’t. For now I choose to stay with my husband, the man I married, the father of my children. Does that mean I have forgiven him for cheating on me?? Like fuck it does! Does it mean I am healed? Sadly not. But instead of either of us running away, we chose to stay and at least fight for our marriage and for our family, and luckily for my husband, he gets to see the error of his ways, every day when he looks into my eyes and sees the pain he caused.

  6. Wow…again, I seem to miss some of the fireworks every damn time!

    I don’t think you have to leave a person because of a betrayal. Hell, if J left me 14 years ago, he would never have had the opportunity to cheat on me! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA@myfuckeduplife! hahahahaha…seriously, I’m losing it. OK, back now…

    THERE ISN’T ANY DUST UNDER HER RUG. In fact, I think there are plenty of Kelly’s rugs hung over the line and she’s beaten them with a very big stick to get all the dust out. I’m sure she used the big stick on her husband a few times post affair.

    I think there is hope in the darkest places. At least, that is what I’m living for!

  7. Im 2 months in to D day- my husband begged for my forgiveness and I’ve been dying a slow death since that day.. Today he tells me he needs to meet his whore to get closure and get his stuff back. I’m too weak. I’m too tired to fight. Why would someone that almost lost everything worry about stuff and for a whore he only knew for 6 months? I told him it was a bad idea. Why now? Why when I’m just seeing a little light do I have to fall back into this black hole again. I sometimes don’t think I will mentally make it out of this hell.. 23 years with this man. He’s worried about closure with the whore… I don’t get it.

    • I’m sorry your comments were going to spam…I wish I could say I can’t believe your husband, however I have heard and read so much over the last couple of years. He is still in the fog 😦 still in the selfish, disgusting, cheater fog. You might have to stand up to him and tell him no more…NO MORE!! If he chooses to meet her again? To hurt you again? To be a selfish asshole again? Then you are done…DONE…and he should pack a bag, hire a lawyer, and get to walking. You deserve to be all he thinks about or he deserves to end up with nothing but a whore and an empty bank account. Hugs my sweet friend, try to get some sleep, tomorrow is a new day.

  8. brokenjoan says:

    livingwithhell, And therein lies one of the biggest obstacles you will face the rest of your life, you will never get it! Kellys’ right he’s obviously still in a fog of some sort or still just being the ass hole he was when he was cheating, who knows! He should have one thing on his mind right now & that’s you, his wife, if not it ain’t gonna work!!!! Hugs from Joan

    • I wish I knew what he was thinking. He has been very honest told me everything we have done so much crying together I thought we were making progress and then he seemed really angry saying he needed closure with the whore. I think it’s to see her one last time. I told him everytime he calls or text her she wins and I lose. I think he is addicted to the fun and excitement of being with her and not focusing on the fact that he just might find himself with the whore and lose the best things in his life. I can’t make him choose me 😦 today i woke up with strength in realizing that if this all turns out bad i tried my hardest-thank you my new friends

  9. I’m not sure I’m cut out for this.. I’m trying really hard. Watching my husband depressed over a 6 month affair getting mad when a certain song comes on the radio listening to his rants about how she loved him and the things she did and said is really hard. Did you ladies go through this?

    • brokenjoan says:

      No my husband absolutely didn’t act that way! He has been remorseful & apologetic from the very beginning! I think your husband is still not being totally honest with you & he needs to be, without that there is no way of moving forward! So sorry, Joan

      • I’m trying to move on and all he wants to do is talk about it. The things he did with her the things she said to him where they went. It’s almost like he is trying to throw it all up! I sit and I listen and I comment when I feel I should but I feel like I shouldn’t have to hear all this crap! Did you husbands tell you details where you there to listen? Should I listen? Should I tell him to shut the fuck up and come back to earth????? It was a fantasy this whore did anything to stay in his life. I can’t even compete with the things she did and that’s what I think bothers me the most. I am a confident women but something happend to me once I found out all she’s done to pull my husband away. At this point we are working together I just don’t know if knowing everything is good. Thanks for helping ladies

  10. So I found out the whore is calling my husbands phone 3-4 times a day with no caller ID we got this app it decodes the number and boom! She’s been calling for months.. Now he wants closure again with her. He wants to know what she wants and I think it’s a bad idea. Him calling her is going to create more problems that I don’t need right now and I’m sick over this…

    • I’m going to let angry Kelly take this one…”Why the fuck does he care? He needs to care about what you want, not some whore who has decided to keep chasing a married man. He needs to decide you or her? Seriously ASSHOLE DECIDE!?!? DE-FUCKING-CiDE!!!! And if it is your wife? Then fucking acting like it, quit pussy footing around, quit ‘being nice’ and in no uncertain terms tell the whore to fuck the fuck off!!!”

      He doesn’t get to call her, if anyone calls it is you. He has no more contact, it’s what we like to call a ‘deal breaker’, if he can’t honor that? Then he doesn’t deserve you 😦

      • I needed that! Thank you so much ❤ I guess my lady balls have not dropped yet but they did last night. I appreciate the tough love. Thank you angry Kelly! For kicking my mental ass!

      • I put my foot down. I also had a break down at the same time. It’s a shame what I have been through the anger the rage the devastation. Ive never seen this side of myself its scary. It’s all so overwhelming. I’ve never been so unsure of myself. I’m fighting for my marriage I hope he sees through all the anger and rage and madness that all of this is part of the fight.

  11. Proud of you for telling him “No!!”…as for the breakdown? It’s kind of to be expected when you are having to tell your husband that he can’t have contact with his whore while still in a marriage with you…He needs to fight for you or find a really good lawyer. Hugs to you my friend I hope you find some peace

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