“Hi…my name is Kelly and I am a betrayed spouse…”
“I’m 809 days into my recovery.”
“And?” Asks Bob my inner therapist.
“And I’m okay?”
“And Okay is good enough?” Questions Angry Kelly from the audience.
“Okay is better than horrible…better than dead…Hey it’s better than bitter and angry.”
“What’s wrong with angry?” Angry Kelly stands up and starts heading to the front.
“Nothing, I mean I just don’t like being angry all the time, and acting crazy or bitter…”
“So now you are too good to be shitting on cars or keeping people in dog crates? Ooohhh look at the ‘goody goody’ being all sane and okay!!!” Crazy Kelly joins Angry Kelly as she storms to the front.
“I wish I was okay…” cries Sad Kelly from the back of the room as she sits rocking back and forth.
I get it I do.
Okay is shit.
Okay is just that, okay…
I used to be better than okay. I used to be good and on some days? Great…I became a betrayed spouse and ‘Okay’ is as good as it gets.
I was asked the other day if I was recovered.
Recovered? Betrayed spouses are like recovering addicts, we will never be fully well again. We will never be recovered or the same, we will never be healed, we will just be taking it day-to-day for the rest of our lives, praying we don’t relapse and go all the way back.
I think it sucks. Why are we the ones who are stuck with issues?
I didn’t get to have any drunken benders, have any ‘fun’, be stupid and selfish. I was the one here, changing diapers, feeding cows, and chasing teenage boys. I never got a vacation from reality, got to regress to my 20’s and pretend to be something other than a mom.
I get to spend the rest of my life in recovery for someone else’s actions, okay two ‘someone’s’ and it isn’t fair.
I am 809 days into this…EIGHT HUNDRED AND NINE FUCKING DAYS.
I wish I could tell those in the beginning of their journey, who are looking for comfort and for me to be someone to hold up as a beacon of hope in their newly destroyed lives…
” Hell yeah I’m recovered and just fine, good as new”
I don’t lie on here though.
I don’t think you ever ‘recover”.
I think we get to be in recovery forever.
What the Hell is 809 days on the journey to forever?
Just one small baby step down the road of infidelity…
“I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ’em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin’ on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again
I pretend I’m okay
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin’ so much to say
And watchin’ you walk away
And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken”
– Rascal Flatts –