Blow Me

I had a little drama…

remember, I hate drama.

I got a little mad….

remember, I sometimes see red when I’m mad.

I started thinking….

remember sometimes I think too much.

So there I was surrounded by drama, mad and thinking. It wasn’t pretty. I, Kelly, had second…or is this third, or twenty-third now?…thoughts about writing an open blog. About writing an open blog, about my marriage, my family, our struggles. I started thinking “what the Hell have I put my family through”,  by as one person put it “airing my family’s dirty laundry”.

I was surrounded by drama because of  low blows taken at my family, my husband, myself, because I write a blog in a small town. So now when someone doesn’t like me, they attack my blog, my writing, me. It’s not the first time, I am sure it won’t be the last. I dare to write a blog about an affair and haven’t written it in the dark, with my curtains closed, and used a fake name. I DARED to face the humiliation, the shame that surrounds being a betrayed spouse with my head held high, and didn’t try to lie or hide it. I told my kids, my family, my friends, and didn’t keep it a secret. I didn’t do things by the book, or by the ‘norm’…I did it my way.

What if it was the wrong way?

Now there was a thought I have pondered.

What if I was wrong? What if by refusing to hide, refusing to lie, refusing to be anything but me, I had hurt my family? I had left my husband, who has tried to correct his mistakes, ‘own’ his wrongs, be a better man, open to ridicule and judgement. I had aired my family’s dirty laundry…Hell I will admit it, I pre treated it, washed it, and  dried it while the whole town watched. I didn’t care, if we are still being honest? I still don’t care.

So I pondered and wondered for about a week, then me being me? I threw in another week of thinking about it, because that’s what I do…over-think.

Then I put my big girl panties on, tucked my lady balls inside, and held my middle finger in the air.

I guess at the end of the day, and as I am finding myself closer and closer to the end of my blog, I just don’t care. I don’t care what small town minds think. I don’t care what people who have no right to judge my family, my husband or me think. I don’t care if people don’t like me. I don’t care if people don’t agree. I just don’t care.

I have been to Hell…

literal Hell.

I have seen my family break…

fall into pieces.

I have seen the deep well of depression…

i lived there.

I have seen love die…

it hurt.

I have shed tears…

until my phone broke from water damage.

I have lost my way…

in doing so found a new path.

I am not the same person…

i like the ‘new’ me better.

I have made new friends…

i really like them.

I have lost old friends…

hope the door hit them on the way out.

I have helped other betrayed spouses…

good night are we a crazy bunch.

I have learned what’s important…

other people’s opinions aren’t.

I think I did the right thing…

throwing open the curtains to what infidelity really is.

I don’t regret being honest…

it feels better than lying.

I am glad I wrote this blog…

my always crazy,

sometimes angry,

occasionally sad,

honest till the end my friends,

blog.

It has helped me heal…

it has helped others too.

Then as  my thoughts ended, I heard Bob clear his throat “Kelly? Are you still helping? If so then why are you asking what to do? Write what you want, how you want, and don’t worry about the opinion of others. As long as you believe deep in your heart it’s doing good? Keep on keeping on.” he paused, ” but try to keep that temper? Under control.”

I am…

I will…

I know…

I do…

I will try…

and trying my sweet friends? Is all any of us can do…

I will do what I please

Anything that I want

I will breathe, I will breathe
I won’t worry at all

You will pay for your sins
You’ll be sorry, my dear
All the lies, all the whys
Will all be crystal clear

I think I’ve finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

You think I’m just too serious
I think you’re full of shit
My head is spinning, so
Blow me one last kiss”

-Pink-

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to Blow Me

  1. shelly says:

    Love u girl

  2. Youwillneverbeme says:

    Keep your head up!

    🙂

  3. horsesrcumin says:

    Clap, clap, cheer, cheer. You nailed it. I love this. I also blog(ged?) under my real name, and talk (still do) about my real struggle. You’ve “done good” – and you did it your way, because that is the only way for anyone to do it! I also don’t care what my small town compatriots think – or anyone else who doesn’t really matter. Fuck ’em all ;-).

    I wish I could claim I like the new me more. I don’t. But I accept her, and I know she is a work in progress, and always will be. That in itself is okay – ish.

    Just LOVE this post Kelly xxx.

  4. brokenjoan says:

    Yes Kelly, we are a crazy bunch, but none of us would have it any other way, since we landed here thru no fault of our way, why not tell it like it is! And you my dear friend have & I love you for it, before I started talking to all you other crazy ladies, well let’s just say I came way too close to ending it all! So you have no reason to regret anything you have done since riding on this highway to hell! You have helped me, thank you, we may never meet, but you better believe I count you as a friend & I hope you feel the same! Hugs from one of the original crazy ones, LOL Joan

  5. And love back to you all as well 🙂 Not to worry my head is held high, and Bob has reminded me ‘I like me’. The not always popular, sometimes angry, far from perfect, but still tries…every single day…To not judge, to help others and sometimes? To stand up and scream “Enough”. Paula, thank you 🙂 Kelly bows to the crowd, and starts running through giving random high fives 🙂 not caring what others think is freeing, and peaceful, I am glad my give a shit button broke when my heart did. And Joan my sweet crazy friend? If you ever make it to Oklahoma, I will buy you a coffee and gladly introduce you as my friend. I’m glad you found my blog and thankful it helped. As I always say? Crazy loves crazy 😉

  6. pabloswife says:

    Hello you, old buddy, old pal!! Thought of you today, read about a tornado in Oklahoma!

    You made the right decision for you and fuck anyone who said otherwise. It’s your life, your story and no one else’s business but yours. I wish I had had your lady balls and been brave enough to out my husband as the lying cheating, fucking idiot he was!!

    You rock 😍😍

    • Hello PW 🙂 yes it was about 40 minutes from me…YIKES…but it’s part of life here in Oklahoma. You did what was right for you, for your family, for your kids…it’s funny though, no matter what path we take we always second guess and pray we are doing right. Hope you are doing well 🙂 Love and Hugs

  7. Bugsmetwo says:

    Love it so so much! I feel the same way!! Kudos to you!

  8. emmagc75 says:

    U have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or humiliated about. It takes a lot of courage to be open n honest. I applaud you.

  9. hopingtoheal says:

    Screw them. People are going to judge no matter what. So stay true to yourself. In the end, your opinion is the only one that matters anyway.

  10. I want so badly to scream to the world what I’m going through and for the past two months I haven’t told anyone accept for some lady I pay a 15 dollar copay to twice a week. No one knows just me.. And yesterday I was manic! I was I came home didn’t care if the dog ate or how my sons day was I screamed at my husband and went to bed. Only to wake up in the morning and become the exorcist!!! This is not fun it’s fuckin HELL! Only you guys know what hell is. I’m in it. I sometimes don’t think it’s worth my energy and I want out! I think I’m just no good no more.

    • Hang in there…it will get better. Things, feelings, will even out. You will begin to function, and find a new normal. You will survive…deep breath, and sometimes you might just have to pull the covers over your head and hide in the dark. It’s okay…but remember to open the curtains and send the band home when your pity party is over. You can’t stay like that forever. You have a child, a life, and a purpose which your husbands selfish choices don’t get to destroy. Scream!!! Yell!!! Break things!!! Then put on your big girl panties, tuck in your new suddenly larger lady balls, and decide what YOU want…You get to choose your new life, with? Or without him…Hang on there…you are not alone

      • I want to thank all you beautiful ladies for the support. I feel blessed to have found this blog. It saves each day. ❤ I don't know where things are going but I do know that the sun will shine tomorrow and I will wake up and start a new day. Thank you all so very much. I wish and pray for strength for all of you to continue on your walk of hope, family and Love.

  11. Sweetness, you have earned every word of truth you speak.

    No one puts baby in a corner xxoo

    • Haha thank you 🙂 No they can’t put me in a corner. It’s my life, my blog, my ‘coming out’ party…and I will dance. Maybe not well, or to the beat but in my kitchen, in manic head banging circles with my cat 🙂 DANCE!!! Hugs Tempted

  12. brokenjoan says:

    Livinghell, yes we certainly do know what you’re going thru, I am so sorry, but please try to hold on, it will get better with time, you can’t see that now because you’re in too much pain! After I found out I was also a raving lunatic, I couldn’t eat & lost over 30 lbs., my doctor diagnosed me with a stress disorder & put me on anti-depressants, I needed sleeping pills to get any sleep at all, I would stay up all nite pumping him over & over again with the same questions about her & what they did, I would drink, cuss like I never had in my life, throw things at him, I would get physical & beat him with my fists & he would have bruises from that the next day! I also contemplated suicide on more than one occasion! I wanted to tell you all this so you will see there is hope, but your husband has to kiss ass big time, the affair was not your fault, it’s a choice he made & he has to own that! I am still with my husband, that’s my choice, it may not be the right choice for everyone! I think he deserves a second chance, before this he was such a good man & we have wonderful memories, I refuse to give some whore( my word for women that sleep with a man knowing he’s married) the satisfaction of ruining my life anymore than she already has! It’s been 2 and a half years & though I will never forget it has gotten better, you will get thru this either with or without your husband, you have the power to decide which is best for you! Try to eat & rest when you can, take care, I will be thinking of you & hope each day brings you a little more peace. Hugs from Joan

    • Joan 🙂 the difference between you 18 months ago and today? Night and day 🙂 You have grown, you have raged and you have changed. Now instead of needing comfort, you my sweet friend are giving it. How far we have all come 🙂 No it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t what we wanted but we survived. You give hope now to other newbies in our “community”. As always, nothing but hugs and love from Oklahoma

    • My new friend thank you for the response. It’s amazing how ugly this can get. Thank you for telling me I’m not alone. Just knowing how crazy you got gives me hope. I drilled my husband for the details and I also sAw alot of pictures that destroyed me. I keep looking at them everyday. I drive past her home and while my husband and I are fighting and crying and in hell! She has tons of Easter and Spring decorations on her window. No devastation on her end! No remorse.. Just set a bomb watched it blow up and walked away. I know it’s my husband fault 100 percent! Do you know she told my husband that if and when I find out about the affair that I will never be the same!!! Bitch you must have done this before to know that and why didnt my husband run for the hills screaming????? Oh we’ll thank goodness for new friends like you that can put a little love and peace in my life. I’m taking your advise and going to sleep. Thank you my new friend. ❤

  13. Just an update my husband has been really honest with me about the whole affair. The details would kill me slowly but the more I hear the more insane it becomes. This whore was telling my husband everything he wanted to hear texting him almost 1000 times a day always in his face always glorifying divorce to him and how happy he will be. It’s a shame that men are so dumb. He almost lost everything. The advise I need from you ladies is I want to remain strong and positive in our road to recovery. Thanks Ladies

  14. brokenjoan says:

    Livinghell, the road to recovery is paved with good intentions, but not always easy to practice, you will fall down many times, you just have to get back up & take that next step! We will never be the same, that’s one of the hardest things to accept, but that’s one of the most important things, you have to realize that to move on. Good luck & remember take care of yourself! And you are in luck finding Kellys’ post, she has been so helpful to me, just reading some of the things she would post, made me smile even on bad days, that’s what you need right now, there are some wonderful women on here who know all too well what you’re going through. Hugs from Joan

  15. neverthesame2015 says:

    It has been 6.5 years for me! I still go to bed thinking about it, and wake thinking about it. Did I tell people? Heck, yes. My then 17-year-old daughter found out before I did…a message left on our answering machine about the affair. Nobody home to comfort her…and then she told her younger sister after she walked in from her volleyball game. When I walked in, they were crying like someone had died…and had to tell me, their mother. All hell break loose…and my heart was stomped on and left for dead. I wasn’t ashamed to tell people…and I sure as hell didn’t worry about what my husband, who I am still married to, thought. Why I told: people wondering why I lost 25 pounds in three months and looked like a zombie from no sleep; my daughters’ high school knew because they had to talk to someone…this shit spreads like wildfire; I felt no shame…but wanted my husband to hide his head in the sand…he made choices and knew the consequences and didn’t care…so why should I care; the more people who knew about it, the more people could watch him like a hawk and inform me since we were going to try and save our marriage; I am a person who puts it all out there…then people can’t make up crap; there are people who have been through the same you don’t know about who can comfort you…and will. If I had to do over, I would do nothing different re telling people…however, I would not have fought so hard to save my marriage. He did most of the work, but I made it easier for him. Every day, I must look at our bathroom door that I hit with my fist out of anger…so not the “before I found out my husband was a cheating fool” me. I could get a new door, but I don’t want to…he needs to be reminded what he has done to the girl he wouldn’t leave alone when she was 14 and he was 16…dated 8 years…and now been married to 20+ years. People tell you to move forward…and I have…but I will never get over it completely. I often wonder what our lives would be like if it had never happened. Triggers still happen…especially when it comes to his cell phone. He would sit in his truck in our driveway and talk to her while looking at me sweeping the garage, etc…how in the world can a person do this? He would leave volleyball games early…to sit in his truck and talk to her about who knows what AND our daughters. He talked to her on his way to work and on his way home..oh…and…he also worked with her in a large hospital…not in the same departments…and still does….which has made it more difficult for me to heal. She actually talked to me once there..I just thought she was a nice lady..working in the lab…OMG! How do people sleep at night? I believe this is how the affair began…my husband needs monthly pts…and guess who always drew his blood? I am still checking his phone records like it is a part-time job. D-day…I took that damn phone and threw against the patio..it broke into a hundred pieces. Looking back, glad I did..he couldn’t contact her that night. I could go on and on…it all hurt so much because I loved and trusted this man. It will never be the same, but life is short…and I have decided to make the best of what is left. He could have easily left for the woman who was 16 years younger than I am and never looked back…but he chose to stay, and I chose to try and forgive. This man has worked to save our marriage, and in my heart I don’t think he wanted “us” and our family to end…I must try to keep my mind there…not easy…but I must try. The best advice I can probably give, do not give the other woman any of your time. She wanted to meet me and talk to me after D-day…I told her…it hurt to hear your voice leaving messages to my husband that you missed him…why would I want to meet you? You have three young children, a husband, and a job…and still found time to have an affair with my husband? You are nothing but a whore..and left at that. P.S. Your healing takes a long time, and you will have setbacks. I was googling blogs because at Christmas, six years later, I received an anonymous letter that read: “Once a cheater, always a cheater…do you know if he’s been bad or good?…of course you don’t….merry christmas.” Another setback…

  16. neverthesame2015 says:

    Let me just add…there is no worse feeling than being with a man who you believe is in love with someone else…I told him this many, many times…and told him if he loved her…to please leave me alone and enjoy his once hidden life….he did not. He was the one who laid down the “counselor card” and told me if I would…he would like us to talk with her. He laid down that card the day after D-day. I was doing so, so well lately…and then the anonymous letter…typed neatly, but my name and address hand-written…with a return address hand-written reading only “Santa Claus”.. I received 12/23/2014. Of course I cried..holidays not so happy….my husband comforted me as I pleaded…”I have done nothing to anyone..why must I suffer?!”…he told me there is nothing going on with anyone. Lately, all I can think about is the letter all these years later…why? is it true? is it the other woman? is it a co-worker? So many questions once again. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it..today is one of those days.

    • The letter to me sounds like someone who is cruel trying to hurt you…I think if it were true and they wanted you to know out of concern, it would have been worded oh so differently. I too received a letter in the mail, mine was sent by a whore. Yours was too…hang in there my friend the bad days won’t last

  17. brokenjoan says:

    Neverthesame, just read your story, so sorry! But I always knew things would never be the same, it’s been 2 years & 7 months for me, I also stayed with my husband, but things are not the same & I don’t fool myself by thinking they ever will be again! I like you am just trying to make the best of the situation! I have always said, the most hurtful part of the whole thing was finding out my husband was not the man I thought he was! Kellys’ right it’s a cruel person trying to stir up trouble. Some days are better than others, look to those days & move on, we all fall here, but we get back up! Hugs from Joan

    • “finding out my husband was not the man I thought he was” that sure is the killer. I look at my husband so much more different. Yes he is here with me but when he stares in to space I wonder what he thinks when before this I never have it a thought and when a break up song comes on the radio while we’re driving I cringe thinking he must be thinking of her. I told him yesterday that my thoughts have changed in a way that makes me so uncomfortable all the time I’m waiting for the light to come in. I’m waiting to let go and be able to live in the moment. To understand that it happened and not to dwell so much on the details but us women love details and that is my poison. Before his affair I was happy I was secure I woke up to green trees and a blue sky and the sounds of the birds chirping and my sons giggle and laying next to my husband listening to him breath. NOW??? I wake up and BOOM! I see the whores face.. I shake my head then the text and emails and pictures flash… Good Morning to me! wake up! Then the fight in my head begins. Put a smile on make like your ok! Laugh at silly things so he thinks your doing ok! Go take your shower and cry then pull up your big girl panties shove the balls you grew in there too (Thanks Kelly) and lets get moving!!!

  18. neverthesame2015 says:

    I feel my first reply should not have been about me, but how your blog is so raw and true! I apologize…just had to write at the moment how I felt. I have studied affairs like I am getting a Master’s Degree, but have never read such an informative blog of how someone else’s heart and soul has been crushed…thank you…for helping me. Since it has been 6.5 years for me…and I was doing so well until that letter arrived and messed with me, I feel I should share how I felt at the 5 year mark: I did not realize when the anniversary dday came and went that changed my married life forever….such progress. I look at my husband with pity in a way…that he has to live with what he did to our family. Wouldn’t want to be in his shoes…but, still…affair so much harder on betrayed spouse. We laugh and talk a lot about the good years of the past…especially our dating years…when life was so much simpler: when all those around you protected you…you weren’t the protector…before all the responsibilities, before such easy ways to communicate…e-mail, cell phones, facebook, etc. Life was simple and fun. Since our daughters are now 21 and 23, one already leaving home, we seem to be closer…realizing the days of just the two of us will be here once again. We have a choice…we can enjoy each other…or we can make each other miserable. I have decided to find some joy. After just learning about the affair, talking to the counselor one-on-one, she told me…you can let this kill you…don’t. Live a good life. It has been a battle…such a battle…but it does get easier. Seeing the sun rise, watching my daughters grow into such lovely young women after what they have been through, planting my small garden, enjoying my 92 year old grandmother, interacting with a dog that came along at just the right time and has been the best therapy, etc. I have decided life is not all about marriage…and I am going to enjoy all it has to give. I will never be completely healed…especially when the affair partner’s name is the most popular name in the world..and I have to hear it all the time..and my best friend’s name is the same!..why couldn’t her name be Jo…which rhymes with ho..LOL! Don’t think I have not hated…I hated the world and everything in it at one point. I have come a long way…and I hope the same for all of you. Thank you for all the replies! Appreciated!

    • No apologies needed 🙂 I think the best compliment I get from writing my blog is that people feel so connected that they just start spilling like a dam was broke. I like helping break the dam of pain infidelity leaves us with…and letting all the shit (the anger, shame, hurt, heartache) come flooding out. Don’t ever be sorry for letting it go, that’s why I keep blogging…in this world we have found ourselves in? One in shadows, with rumors, whispers and secrets? We all need to talk, to scream, to sometimes cry..and feel like someone, anyone is listening 🙂 I am listening, I know how it feels so talk away 🙂

      Love your counselers advice, I too had to fight not to let it kill me, and leave an angry bitter Kelly in my place. I am so glad I am still here and able to enjoy my children, my family and the joy they bring.

      Stop by anytime, especially on your bad days…Hugs my sweet friend.

      • Never the same. Right now I’m in hate mode. I hate everything..if it weren’t for my 12 year old son I would have been in bed rotting since January 20th. Laying in bed and forgetting everything feels really good. I want so badly to live life move on and not let it kill me but right now it’s all I can think about. At work in the car in the shower all the time. I have changed. I am changed for ever. No one knows about it just me my husband and my therapist. I feel like I’m dying all the time. I can’t look at my husband and I can’t trust him or believe what he says it’s horrible. I wish he would have left me. I think that would have been easier then him staying and telling me he loves me every day. I saw his texts messages to her his emails and his photos. I heard his voicemails and all the love he expressed to this princess. How the heck do you come back from that and now decide to love me????? I don’t think I will ever get it.

  19. neverthesame2015 says:

    Livinghell – I don’t think we ever get it…we just have to learn to live with it…and that has been the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do! After TWO YEARS, I made him leave at 3AM…he packed his bags…I cried…but knew it was for the best. He lived with his parents for 10 months…because after digesting the affair, my mind could not handle…panic attacks and anxiety were killing me. I know they say you need to be under the same roof to heal…well…I tried..and it was killing me! I had to think about myself…I needed a break from it all. It takes so much time to heal…so much time! So many tears, so much hurt, so much anger…I swear I told him hundreds of times…”I HATE YOU!!!!” in a voice that would scare a grizzly bear…lol. I would text him…”I HATE YOU” over and over. The infidelity journey is a rough, long road filled with pot holes…even sink holes…hang in there. LivingWithLou – I am spilling…. 🙂

    • Yesterday was a bad day for me. Don’t know why just everything came to me all at once. I hated my husband today. Came home went right to bed. I needed it. My brain needed to shut down for a while. (Pitty Party) I wish there was a pill I could take that could erase everthing. Today I woke up feeling better and am going to be positive and try to have a nice day home and not let anything get to me. I wish the same for all of you today. Happy Hearts

      • brokenjoan says:

        We’re all entitled to a pity party every once in awhile, don’t worry about it! XO Joan

      • neverthesame2015 says:

        I agree with Joan. We can’t bottle it up. I found one of the hardest things to do was act like everything was okay…sometimes I did, though…for the sake of my daughters. Many times my husband I would take a drive and stop somewhere to hash it out…didn’t want my daughters to hear it all. We would also text in the house…sitting 6 feet from each other…just didn’t want them to have to deal with it. So difficult when you have teens in the house! It was bad enough for them to see their mother so distraught…they didn’t need to hear all the “hate-filled” words…our actions toward each other told enough of the story. I remember asking my counselor, “What am I teaching my daughters if I do not end my marriage?” She told me: “You are teaching them people can work through problems….but if he continues affair, and you allow it…will not be healthy for them.” All I could think…I will try to work through…but no way in hell would I stay married to this man if he continued affair. I worried, though…how will I know if it continues if I didn’t even know it was happening in the first place?

        I feel the day my husband was caught, he lost his parenting control…and he knew…I didn’t have to tell him. How could he parent his teen daughters when he acted so selfishly. How could he lay down rules…when he broke the most important? So, most of the “these are the rules” parenting fell to me..which I also found so unfair. We have survived, though…and my daughters are thriving.

        It has taken me years to heal…just not something you get over in months…I don’t care what anybody says. I loved this man with all my heart, never dreamed he would have an affair that I would know nothing about until a message was left on answering machine. I’m sure I missed signs, but heck…I wasn’t looking for signs because I trusted him so much. Again, because message was left on answering machine informing me of affair, my daughters knew before I did. That first night, one daughter telling me she would sleep with her sister, so I could sleep in her bed…how do you ever forget that? I am a stomach sleeper, but that night I could not even lie on my stomach…my heart hurt so badly…heck, I didn’t get ANY sleep. My life had just become a living nightmare.

        I have healed, but will never be the same. One day last Fall, my dog rode with me to Walmart. That country song, “She’s not the cheating kind” was on the radio, and I belted out those words..singing along.,,,looking at my dog…smiling…because I finally kind of got it. I was not the cheater and felt good about that. I felt good about me…and it was about time…it had been 5 years. Time to focus on what I did right…and not so much on what he did wrong. I respected and protected my marriage, loved this man, loved my children..never believing this could happen to me. It did…and I have survived. It takes so much time…but you can get there!

      • Thank you for that I really needed it today. I’m struggeling so bad. It has no taken over everything that I am. Let me tell you that before this affair I was a totally different women I’m ashamed of to women I am now. The insecure, depressed, sad case. I don’t care about things I use to care about. Nothing fazes me. I lost my fire and my spark for life. I could cry at the drop of a hat and go into a rage just as quick! I want my husband out!!!! But I want him to hold me at night when I sleep. I look at his face and all I see his the whore he chose to sneak around with and the lies!!!! I’m really trying to move on I want to change I want to wake up from this hell. I do appreciate all of you and your comments and your story. I know I’m not alone. I just don’t want to be this women anymore….

  20. brokenjoan says:

    Neverthesame, I just read your post, I love what you said, especially the last part, it gives us hope that even though we will never forget, we can survive, we maybe worse for the wear & tear of the affair, but we are strong enough to survive, no matter what we decide, & trust me 2 years ago I would never have believed that! You are an inspiration to other women on here, that should make you feel good! You sound like a wonderful wife & mom, I would be proud to count you as a friend, as I do so many other brave, strong, kick-ass women on here! Hugs from Joan

  21. neverthesame2015 says:

    I do hope I somehow inspire, Joan. In no way do I want to make anyone believe it is easy..it is far from it. So many emotions…shock, sadness, fear, anger, etc. When my husband was blameshifting, which happens in many cases: I had an affair because you…blah, blah, blah. In other words…they got caught with their pants down…and going to try and shift the blame to you because they feel like crap. OMG…my husband was like an alien to me. Who was this man? Why does he continue to hurt me? This is when I physically hit him…WAS NOT going to allow him to disrespect me even more!….so many tears, so much anger..so unlike me to ever hit anyone! I don’t remember what I said one time, but he threw a spray paint can at me…I’m telling you…it has been such a long road..and has taken a lot of inner strength to heal! All this brings back so many memories, but I am here to try and help. Hugs! and may everyone find that inner strength…it is there! You are not alone, livinghell…so many people experiencing the same. I do hope you find someone to confide in…it may help you. Like Kelly, I was one who told…didn’t care what people thought…and don’t regret. I was not looking for pity…just setting the gossip straight…yes…my husband cheated…and yes…we are working on not ending our marriage. I understand everyone handles things differently, though…do what is best for you.

    • neverthesame2015 says:

      BTW – Our 28th anniversary was in October. As Kelly has stated, anniversaries are never the same. Hate to admit, but since Dday, I have not worn my wedding ring. I feel it was a circle that was broken. Also, my husband wanted to renew vows…I just could not…they had been broken…too painful to even hear again. BUT…in my card I received from him, he wrote “The strongest person I know…I love you”…that is all I needed…for him to understand what he has done to me..and how much strength it has taken to heal.

      You see…within ten years, I lost my brother in a car accident, then lost my mother in a car accident, and then found out my husband was having an affair with a woman 16 years younger than I am…I was broken…probably only here due to the love for my daughters. Did my marriage suffer due to the tragic deaths and how they affected me? I’m sure…but he chose to step outside the marriage instead of putting that energy into helping me. It has taken years, but I think he realizes his mistake. AND…oh, how I cried for my mother like a baby when I first found out! If you have a living mother who is loving…you are so blessed!

      Will I ever wear my wedding ring again? I just don’t know…the pain is still here…healed but still there. I now wear my mother’s ring on my wedding ring finger…I do know that love will never be tested like the love for my husband.

  22. brokenjoan says:

    Neverthesame, I completely know what you’re talking about, it’s been 2 years & 8 months since Dday, over that period of time I struck my husband many times, threw things, cussed, drank too much, took sleeping pills & anti-depressants like candy, I lost over 30 lbs & ended up weighing 95 lbs., I was not a pretty sight! Gone was the happy wife & grandmother I use to be & she will never be again! I like you have never worn my ring since, he has bought me 2 rings since then, but as of now I couldn’t accept either! I really can’t see myself ever wearing a wedding ring again, it was given as a pledge of a never ending love, well we know how that ended! He has been everything, everyone says he should be now, supportive, remorseful, loving, but what does that even mean? So many questions, so many answers, what is truth, what is a lie, only he & the woman he cheated with knows for sure & I can’t say I trust either one of them! So each day I try & take that next step, to where, I truly don’t know!

    • This comment is what makes it really hard for me to move on the unknown.

      what is truth, what is a lie, only he & the woman he cheated with knows for sure & I can’t say I trust either one of them

      It’s just a hard decision all around. All I know is I would rather be me then my husband. I would rather be the person hurt then the cheating spouse. I couldn’t imagine doing anything like this to my husband my heart was always his.

  23. neverthesame2015 says:

    The other woman did not know me…all she knew about me was what my husband told her. My husband was the one who broke his vow with me…it took me a long time to realize she was so unimportant…she is not the one I should be worrying about trusting…my husband was the one who broke my heart…knew me like no other person. What kind of married woman cheats with a married man..not a trusting one..that’s for dang sure…just so UNIMPORTANT!!! Oh, I hated her and still do…and always will…and I believe she knows that. BUT…there wasn’t going to be any cat fights…my husband betrayed me. I never met with her like she wanted…I did have texting conversations with her. She got my number because I texted her and told her to please stop leaving my husband messages that you miss him. I remember one of the first things I asked my husband to do was write down her home, work, and cell numbers…so I could watch his AT&T usage. I said nothing to her the first three months…but then when she left the message…wasn’t going to let her disrespect me or my marriage any longer. Looking back, glad I did not give her the attention she wanted. Not saying I didn’t wonder what kind of woman would mean so much to my husband to sacrifice us…but I have learned…who really wants to be with someone who is cheating with you? Is that a good life? How could you ever trust them? Oh, there were days I thought he should leave and be with her…and I could then pray he would end up the unhappiest person in the world when all the excitement had waned. Honestly, it means so much to me that I am a loyal person…my husband can’t say that…and neither can the other woman. Again…lately, a lot of my healing has been about understanding myself…and not so much about understanding why my husband did what he did…and with who he did it. I am a good, loyal, empathetic, respectful person…and proud of that! 🙂

    • I knew my husbands whore she was in my home came to family parties I believe she was a miserable person and wanted my life. Once I found out I sent a text that was it. I wanted her to know I was devastated. She’s a coward never text back. To be honest she is shit on my shoe. No good will come to her. I would not lower myself to getting revenge. I feel I handled myself well. I too wished my husband left me for her just to see them crash and burn but someone in heaven made sure my husband didnt lose it all. It’s sad that our marriage had to go through this but I’m trying to see the positive. I’m going to continue to protect and respect my marriage. Thank you my new friend for all your help and guidance and allowing me into your life and your journey.

      • neverthesame2015 says:

        Hoping I can help in some way. I believe you handled well. I’m telling you…when I first found out, I was so distraught I could not think to do anything. I went through all the emotions…in sequence. One thing I DID NOT do was beg my husband to stay. No…I told him if he loved her to go be with her. I was not going to be married to a man who loves another woman. From the beginning, he always told me “I did not love her!” and then of course I would respond, “Then..why?…why, why, why????” My most popular phrases in the beginning were…”I am not stupid!” and…”if you love her, leave me alone….work on the relationships with your daughters, but leave me alone!” He did the work, and it has taken years for me to accept his apologies..and believe he does love me. It does bother me he stole so many years from me…I could not find happiness in anything…but, just not going to let his affair steal the rest of my life. I feel I was buried alive, and slowly dug out and found happiness once again…just not going to let the selfishness of two people have such an impact on my life anymore…enough is enough. If he loved her, he would be with her…I honestly believe that. I gave him every opportunity to leave and be with her…we could split all assets, etc…he is still with me. He is not the same person I fell in love with and never will be…I miss that person. We are both in our early 50’s, though…time on this earth is getting shorter by the day. I have decided to make the best of it. It has taken me 6.5 years to get to this point…a long, emotional journey…but each sunrise means more as the days progress…and my heart heals.

      • My husbands affair started in August until I found out in January the 20th to be exact. I myself died that day. I also told him to be with her and I did not beg. I was not going to get in between two people and not know my place. My husband loved this women I believe. It was a different love it was 6 month love not 23 year love like we have. It was irresponsible love. It was a relationship that started with lies. I do believe my husband has since woke up from the spell he was in.’the day I found out he begged my forgiveness. I struggle with the details the photos the texts between them that I read. I’m trying to put that in the past and focus on our love again.

      • I have to vent, I’m trying over here I really am. Why this women has to be such a part of my every day makes me sick. I start each day off right and my husband feels the need to always bring her up. I’m trying to listen and understand him but the rage I feel is uncontrollable. I had to lock myself in the bathroom so no one noticed. I know he loves her but he knows he has everything with me. This man wine and dined her bought her flowers treated her like she had the platinum vagina! Right now I wish he would have left me. So I don’t have to feel this way. Go and be with her and stop talking about it! My gut tells me he would love to be with her but he knows he wouldn’t have it all. This man ran for this women! I mean she had his nights planned! His days spent texting and face timing. Always in his face. AND HE LOVED IT!!!! She must have had some good stuff to have that much of a hold on him and I just don’t wanna deal with this shit anymore!!!!!! He got caught by me and when I thought it was over he continued to lie for three months while they were still talking and still meeting. I keep saying God has a plan but I’m in hell over here with this man and his whore. Most days I don’t think I’m going to make it. I don’t think I could do this for a long time. He chose her over me! He expressed love for her. I know we call it a spell or a funk there in I just morally can’t see myself doin that to the one I love which makes me wonder if he ever loved me at all…

  24. neverthesame2015 says:

    So, so sorry livinghell. My husband was the opposite…I had to drag information out of him. It was like he wanted to sweep it under the rug and forget about it…and wanted me to do the same…I could not! Also, I saw no texts between them…at that time, I didn’t know how to text! The very first thing he did when caught…left our house to go clear his phone! That night, I did take that phone and smash against concrete patio! Also, I learned how to text quickly. Sometimes I wish I would have found out and not told him I knew..to get the whole story. Her husband told me most of my information…he bought her a rose for Valentine’s day, walked her to her car every day after work, ate lunch with her every day, entertained her in his office late at night…if you know what I mean…you know…I am working late…enjoying my affair partner, etc. My husband also made her a cd with all these love songs…he had a copy too…I found…I listened to the songs and cried…barf.

    His life had become new and exciting…but he still came home…and acted like nothing going on. AND..I was stupid and trusting and didn’t even know. After found out, I’m sure they talked at work…which was hell for me. She texted me she loved him..and was a victim too! Are you kidding me? I set her selfish ass straight…you are not a victim! Your husband, myself, and all our children are the victims!

    Your husband was in fantasy land…like mine. All fun, new, exciting…no real life issues…all fun and games. I visited my 92 year old grandmother yesterday…she told me men are weak. Maybe not all
    are, but my husband sure was. Not sure if he or the other woman pushed their work relationship into the “let’s get to know each other a little better”…and before you know it..well, you know the rest. If the other woman initiated, I wish my husband would have been strong, able to say “I am married and love my wife.” What hurts me the most.

    Again, so sorry. Try to stay strong. I am no therapist, but I think I would tell him if you want to talk about her…you will bring up…he is not to. At your stage, many of us had the uncontrollable rage you have…it is hell…it really is. You now have a love/hate relationship with your husband, and the ratio is probably about 80% hate, 20% love. He must work harder if he wants to save his marriage. He needs to respect you! Unfortunately, sounds like he is still in the fog. Try to remember you are the good person in this mess.

  25. neverthesame2015 says:

    Those who truly understand are those who have lived it! Glad to somehow help.

    The night I found out, one thing I said to my husband, “I thought we were such a good team..and you have let a woman come between us.”..through so many tears. We do not talk much about the affair anymore…6.5 years later. Yesterday evening, we planted our small garden…working so well together…and at times I felt him looking at me. Through his latest words and actions, I believe he may have been thinking, “The pain I have caused this good woman…why did I make such selfish choices” and is truly sorry. Good women are hard to find…what I keep telling myself…LOL! 🙂 AND…so glad I am not the betrayer…I am the survivor. 🙂

    • It’s still really raw for me. I I don’t see him the same way. I don’t believe what he says anymore. I’m always waiting for something to happen or for someone to knock on my door. For the first time in my life I fell lost. For the first time in my life I want to run. I never run from anything. I saw my husbands face with this women his smile was different his eyes were different. They were like kids together. It really hurts and only we know the pain. At times I can’t look at myself in the Mirror I feel broken. I have never had this much anger in me. I’m sick of him talking about her it only shows me where his heart is at times. Do I want a man that didn’t want me anymore? I’m upset that he ran for her. That he lied to me to be with her each night. The thought of them making out in the car. Laughing and talking for hours and hours and building a whole new relationship is what makes my skin crawl. And after all that how does he wanna be with me? My brain just can’t comprehend that.

      • I feel most of the time I don’t want to forgive my husband. I feel like this is too big to forgive! How the heck do you ladies do it? It’s all I think about all day..it consumes me totally I found out January 20th and since that day I have gone through so many changes… One day hate..one day love.. Then I want out! Then I’m crying because I hate my life. I’m feel like a real sorry ass women right now. Not the women I was the nite before I found out. I’m broken. I’m pissed I’m made I’m angry I’m aggravated, I’m sick to my stomach thinking of them together it’s just makes me so sick! I hate it.. I can’t friggin take it….😤😩😨😥

      • brokenjoan says:

        living hell, I think I am one of the few who feels you don’t need to say you forgive to move on! I know if I looked at him & said I forgive you it would be a lie & there is already one liar in this marriage, it doesn’t need another one! I believe you can move on without forgiving what I believe to be unforgivable, I am still here working on our marriage & it will be 3 years this Sept., since the shit hit the fan! Going back & forth with your feelings is completely okay, you will have more bad days than good ones in the beginning, but after the craziness, you settle in & start the really hard work of living in your “new” marriage, with a man you thought you knew, but now have to realize is not exactly the man you thought he was! We are all human & make mistakes, but that’s why affairs are so devastating, they are a choice, one he chose to make & now he has to man up & help you in any way he can, there is no other way! Here’s hoping you have a little more peace each day, stay strong! Hugs from Joan

  26. Joan thank you for making me feel like I’m not going crazy. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and the fact that I’m doing this alone with no one knowing is even harder. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone I’m all alone in this and I feel Like it’s slowly chipping away at me. Thanks for showing me some light I really needed it❤ thank you my friend

    • brokenjoan says:

      living hell, Isn’t there anyone you can talk to, a family member or a close friend, it’s way too hard to keep this all to yourself! I hope it at least helps you having these blog sisters to talk to! I know it feels like you can’t make it another day but you can, take all the time you need, take care of yourself, try to eat & rest when you can! XO Joan

    • I can’t imagine going through this alone, I am not that strong. As for forgiving it is not easy, or quick. I couldn’t until year two…two years of heartache and ups/downs, moving forward/moving back, loving and hating. I am still an optimist…how is that for crazy? I like to believe Joan will someday realize she found forgiveness in her giant heart 🙂 it just takes longer for some than others. She was married longer, older and was shattered by her husbands choices, but she loves him. And I believe love will always lead us down the road to forgiveness.

      You are just at the beginning of your journey, I wish I could give you some great advice or wave a magic wand…I can’t. All I can do is tell you that it gets better, it will someday not consume you, and one day you will laugh again. If your husband works his ass off? If he stops being an asshole? If he supports you and tries to heal you? Then you might find forgiveness for him, because anger and hate? They will weigh you down…they will change you and twist you, into a angry…bitter person.

      I forgave for me…for my kids…because it felt good, it felt right.

      I hope someday you might too…

      Hugs, you are never alone

      • I don’t believe anything anymore about my marriage nothing is real anymore. Especially the months this was going in with out me knowing anything. In my gut I knew something was wrong. Things were just weird but to see it in photos, videos text and voicemail. To hear her voice to see the gifts and what he bought her to know the places they went and to see a side of your husband you thought only belonged to you is tattooed in my brain. You’re right my husband needs to kiss ass big time and I don’t really want that because I feel it’s done out if guilt and that makes me feel worse. He chose to leave me each night and lie and tell me he was working to make up extra days at work to help people to be with her and I just don’t know how anyone could do that to a person they love so that is what I struggle with. The I think of my child.
        Who did not ask for this who doesn’t even know that his parents could ever split up or his dad could ever choose another women over his mother. How could I not fight for this marriage for him. Then I look at the women I am at this point and think if it’s all worth it for me to do most of the work for a man who tossed me to the side like I meant nothing. I choose not to tell anyone out of embarrassment. One day maybe I will be able to but right now I continue to pay a 15.00 copay and cry on a sofa for 45 minutes twice a week. 😔

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s