It’s a cool, after the storms morning here in Oklahoma…
I was woke up last night by my oldest son, and told we needed to take cover. When they mention our small town on the news, and say a tornado has been spotted? You wake up your mom and drag her butt to the basement.
In the chaos that followed (no tornado touched down here), I forgot when I climbed back in bed to take my sleeping pill. “You’re still taking them Kelly?” you might ask remembering I hate taking them, hate using a “crutch”, hate the fact that they broke me.
Yes, I still take them. They make me sleep, keep the voices quiet and keep Crazy Kelly, Angry Kelly and Sad Kelly at bay. They let me navigate my life a little better, and just keep on keeping on, down that road to happiness.
So tornado warnings + taking cover = no sleeping pill.
I know you are all wondering, who did you kill and feed to my ever hungry sows…spoiler alert? All’s still good here in the heartland.
I woke up this morning at six from a dream and didn’t fall back asleep. Usually the pills keep me down until I have to force myself awake. I woke up and I could remember my dream, something that I don’t do on the pills.
Parts of the dream is still hazy, but I had gone back in time. There I was, old Kelly talking to a grade school Kelly, and she was having a bad day. We were walking home from school, and had cut across the town park. I don’t remember everything we talked about, but we ended up standing in front of the big rock church in my town. People were gathered and going in, we stood there and watched them for a minute, and then I told her my last piece of advice…
“Nothing in Life, not even Life is guaranteed, so don’t waste it.”
I left her there and started to walk away, then I woke up with the words still lingering. I don’t know if I read that phrase somewhere, I don’t know if someone famous said it, I just know that it’s true.
My middle son is graduating this week from High School. As I prepare there are triggers everywhere, and memories that want to pull me down. I have struggled this stormy month of May.
I am here though. I am alive and here with my family. My whole family.
My oldest just finished his Junior year at OSU. My middle son will graduate and attend college in Texas on a full ride. My baby, my youngest son? He has grown from a little boy into a six-foot tall, broad-shouldered, deep voiced, driving, sixteen year old-young man. He will finish up his sophomore year in high school this week.
I am here. Lou is…well Lou. She is graduating from Pre-K this week. She is a collector of rolly pollys and lighting bugs. She doesn’t walk anywhere, she skips. She goes on grand adventures in our yard with her puppies and dog friends in tow. She is beautiful, and bright, along with being stubborn, funny, and well just Lou.
I am here, alive and healing. I am here with my husband, making a new life. I miss my old life, my old self, but I am still here.
Life isn’t promised to any of us.
Happiness isn’t guaranteed.
Hell it’s not even mentioned in the contract.
Bad shit happened. It sucked, but to wallow in it, to let it win? It’s a waste of time, a waste of life, that you can never get back.
This road isn’t easy, but I thank God I haven’t reached the sign saying “Dead End.”
Nothing in Life, Not even Life is Guaranteed, So don’t waste it.
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go