Big Girls Don’t Cry

Should an affair change you?

I know…”What the fuck you talking about Kelly? Of course affairs change you? Are you serious? Is this crazy Kelly at the computer?”

Give me a second to explain my question…

I know affairs change us, the betrayed. They make us trust less, cry more, paranoid, depressed, sad, crazy, and we are broken people. But should they change us?

First month after I found out about the affair? I was looking about getting a boob job, and possibly a tummy tuck. I saw myself in the mirror and could only see my faults, the imperfect things and fixate on them. I was flat chested and had some sag to my flat stomach caused by giving birth to four kids, one of which wasn’t even potty trained. But I was completely off my rocker and just knew this was why my husband had cheated.

Truth was… I was aware the whore was also flat chested, and didn’t have a mere sag to her belly when she leaned over but a whole skin apron to her waist. She wasn’t thinner or had great boobs, instead was way saggier and…well just nasty. So it wasn’t because I was fat or flat, it had nothing to do with my appearance, and yet I considered plastic surgery for a month, because I felt I needed to change.

I wondered in the beginning if it was because I was a nag, if it was because I hassled him to do honey do’s. I decided I would never, ever ask him to help me…with anything. I know, how healthy is that Kelly? To live in a world/marriage where you do everything yourself? I figured if I fixed myself and made myself stronger then I would be a better wife.

I, Kelly, who was already taking care of cattle, pigs, kids, household chores, cooking, cleaning, hauling feed, cleaning pens, delivering pigs by myself, putting in walkways, patios, fire pits, koi ponds, planting trees, painting houses, sanding porches, and rebuilding pens…was now going to repair appliances and figure out how to weld, cuz I would never ask for help again.

Truth was… I was well aware that the whore was a woman who liked to play the damsel in distress…she liked to claim her ex-husband was abusive, she was taken advantage of by men, she needed help moving, help with a fire pit, help with a bear on her porch, help with her girls, she needed she needed she needed…but I was afraid of seeming naggy for asking him to look at a garbage disposal that I couldn’t figure out how to fix or change out.

I was afraid, I was too opinionated, too set in my ways, I needed to be more fun. I was going to agree with him more, stop arguing, stop telling him he was doing things wrong and just smile and agree. I was going to stop being Kelly, and start being a ‘yes’ wife.

Truth was… I knew the whore was demanding and a bitch, but I thought I needed to hide the fact that I was smart, I was a problem solver, and by golly I was right a lot. I was going to dumb myself down to make him happy.

The first couple months after finding out about the affair, all I could do was think about things that I might need to change. I could only compare myself to this image of who the whore must be vs who I was. The truth was she wasn’t near the person I was, inside or out, and that it was never a real competition. Even on my worst days? I was better. But in the crazy that followed the affair, I tore myself apart, looking for reasons why he had cheated, why he had chose her.

The only time I was truly pathetic? Was when I was going to change me, to make him happy. Funny thing was? The parts I was going to change are what makes him happy…I am a strong person who rarely asks for help, with anything, so when I did it made him feel needed. I am a smart person who likes to challenge him, and gives him advice or a listening ear, he doesn’t want a ‘yes man’, he wants a partner. And the sag to my belly? It comes from having his children, and being so little that my skin stretched. As for my small chest? I am okay with it, always have been, and to get implants because my husband slept with a whore? It makes me feel like a whore, like I need attention, like I wasn’t born enough…and I was enough.

I was enough…it was his issues, her issues, it wasn’t mine. I was always here, living a real life, an honest one, as a good person. The truth was I wasn’t the one who needed changing, who was broken and needed fixing, I was good enough as I was.

I know I have changed…but I’m so glad I didn’t change too. I am so glad that in the madness which followed I was sane enough to have an inner voice that spoke the truth.

I hope whatever stage you are at? You listen to yours too…

“I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry

The path that I’m walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I’m full grown, full grown.
Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
And I forsee the dark ahead if I stay”


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8 Responses to Big Girls Don’t Cry

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, I think we all have those thoughts, how can I change to make me a better wife, lover, friend, especially right after the discovery! I went out & bought sexy looking undies, because he always hated my plain white cotton ones! But now I know it wasn’t me, just like it wasn’t you, it was their problems, something they couldn’t talk to us about, but could with a virtual stranger! I now wear whatever damn undies I want to wear! He has always told me it wasn’t me, it was how he was feeling about getting older, wondering is this all their is & of course she used that to her advantage, feeding his ego everyday & basically acting like a whore with her webcam sexcapades! He now realizes what he almost lost, hell he said from the first day I caught him, his only thought was trying to salvage our marriage, which is still a work in progress! I know it has changed me, for the better I don’t know, only time will tell! For one thing I really need to get my potty mouth under control, I certainly never used words before like I do now, they flow so easily off my tongue since Dday! I will never be the happy carefree woman I was before & I miss her, he does also, but he knows why! What I will never understand, is how can the affair person be so important to them during that time, but can be so easily let go when it is discovered! I know for some it isn’t like that, but he had no problem letting her go! I have to admit, I’m in much better shape now, no more suicidal thoughts, no screaming, no throwing objects & only an occasional sleeping pill, but I still think about it everyday & I’m sad to say I probably always will! Hugs from your friend in Indy!

  2. cheaterfantasy says:

    You are more than good enough. You always have been and you always will be.
    I think we all go through this journey of thinking we are not good enough , seems like it is one of the stages of our recovery process and we arrive at a point knowing that we are so good that we are in fact amazing. How lucky they are and they damn well know it!
    Good post. Xxx (((hugs))))

  3. I get this to the molecular level. What we rip ourselves down to in order to be the type of woman they “want.” Of course, it’s all bullshit, but we are so low we don’t know that until much later.

    We would really hate ourselves if we did make those physical or personality changes permanent.

    Glad you realized that you are already awesome!

    Just remember that no one puts baby in a corner…xxx

  4. pabloswife says:

    So I’m not the only one who rushed out and bought new underwear and contemplated plastic surgery?? Hmmmm… guess us betrayed spouses are as similar as our cheating spouses were! Their stories all sound far too similar too LOL!

    Pleased the old Kelly is still there… even tho she’s now accompanied by Crazy Kelly and all her friends 🙂

    • I read but never really respond. This hits the nail on the head! It is oddly comforting to know I’m not insane for the new panites, manicure ( which I never have done before dday) and a number of other things out of character for me! I thank all of you for keeping this blog going. I’m comming up on a year since I found out and the anxiety and thoughts seem to be rushing back 😦

  5. Deservesbetter says:

    Just like all the other ladies, I to but for only a brief second thought I wasn’t good enough. But I always knew it was never me it was always something broken in him! It has been nearly 10 months from discovery and some days are better than others. I watch my husband and I see all the shame, worry someone will find out and all the the things he can’t undo written on his face everyday. I so want to say I forgive you and yet those words won’t come out of my mouth. I hope in time they will. And just like you Kelly I know I have changed, but I have not changed who I have always been.

  6. C T says:

    Just a couple random thought in answer to your question (I came to this blog by way of asking a linguistics question, but that’s another matter, and whether these answer or not your questions are another matter). I don’t have experience with this subject matter directly but I do with some related topics (I was bullied pretty heavily as a kid, and I won’t ever forget the few times I was deeply betrayed on that topic either by people I thought were friends or by the school administration). None of this is an intent to place blame or find fault with you — rather it is a cultural critique that provides I hope a different way of looking at things.

    We have this narrative in the West of damaged people. The narrative goes something like this: we are all born happy and well adjusted and then bad things happen to us and we become less well adjusted, less happy, etc. The narrative goes on to say that without professional help, we become less *capable* of happiness, less capable of participating in our own terms in a healthy way in society.

    To this I say “hogwash.” A better way of looking at things is that our experiences, good and bad, deeply shape who we are, because we are a sum not only of things we do, but of things we have learned. So the answer is bad things, whether being bullied, being betrayed, etc. should change us. We should be unafraid to learn from them. That doesn’t mean freaking out. But it does mean that the way we look at human relationships is informed by those experiences, particularly of betrayal (I am very suspicious of authority, I think, because I have seen how even well-intentioned authority figures can participate unknowingly in evil acts — this is learning, not damage). So i have a different view of what authority is capable of (and hence what those in power should do) than I would have had without that experience.

    A second thing I see you struggling with here is learning something from this. Let me suggest something: duties, obligations, and interdependencies draw people together. This is true within blood relatives, within marriage, within employment, everywhere.

    In other cultures (my wife is Asian btw), people learn this explicitly. Powerful women are older women who are good at social politics. In the West, we invest all power in sexuality and looks and ignore that this isn’t really what is going on. Independence has meant loss of power and everyone wants to feel needed.

    But we live in a culture which traps women into an ideal both of unattainable beauty and independence on one hand, and dismisses family and community on the other hand. As you have found out this is not the great deal for women that it has been promised.

    If it makes you feel any better, the first ten years of my marriage across cultures was hell. Bridging these cultural gaps is not easy. Asian-Western relationships are *tough.* I eventually found my marriage deeply rewarding, but I don’t think most people would. And I have never known anyone who has left a marriage for another relationship who has had stability there. So while certainly you should see it as a way of confronting ways we think in our society and learning from the experience, you can be fairly sure that he *will* get what he deserves.

  7. This really hits home. My husband always loved the independent women I was did it all like you… Yet they wind up with these needy whores..that cry and claim their life is so horrible and need to be rescued..WHY?? They say women are hard to understand? No men are worse. I thought I you cooked cleaned did everything a good wife was supposed to do life would be golden well there is always a whore that comes along with her nearly shaved vagina she loves to take pictures of and send cause she has so much time to do that and manicured nails and that’s all it takes! Like you I looked at myself and saw the faults and still do. As time goes on maybe my confidence will return but for now I’m still broken and trying to find all my missing pieces.

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