House of Gold

Lou was playing on my phone…

She is five and knows how to work it better than me. She has games and likes to take selfies (scary I know), and she likes to look at my 5000 plus pictures. I was busy cleaning, and visiting with Miguel’s wife, when Lou thrust the phone at me and asked “When did yous go here? Did you go without me?”. She had scrolled back to 33 months ago in my pictures, where I had copied a picture of the Cancan Whore, in her beloved cancan outfit, with her skirt lifted to show off her famous thighs…

My throat tightened, I could feel the blood pounding in my head, and I snatched my phone from her.

“Nope it’s just a yucky picture Lou, I don’t remember why it’s there.” I replied and quickly pushed delete.

I feel like shit.

Even though I know she doesn’t have a clue what she saw.

Even though I know she won’t ever remember, hell doesn’t remember now.

Even though I know why at the time 33 months ago I copied it from her Facebook page, back for the minute we were ‘friends’.

I did it because I needed to remind myself I was enough.

I was cute enough.

I was classy enough.

I was confident enough.

I was enough.

Because in comparison to who and what she was? I was, always had been, more than enough.

So I downloaded her ‘prized’ picture, and whenever I felt myself questioning? I would pull it up and roll my eyes, laugh to myself and say…

“It wasn’t about you Kelly, it was about them and their issues.”

I erased the picture.

I still have the same phone…

I have held on to it as a talisman, a friend, it has seen me through some really shitty times.

It was the same phone that I took pictures of my Lou’s firsts.

The phone that I talked to my husband on while he was in Alaska.

I have yelled in that phone.

Cried in it until it had water damage.

Thrown it…

Lost it (every day).

It was what I read the emails on.

What I looked at her ‘pictures’ on.

What most my contact with his lawyer was on.

Hell what the ‘court reporter’ in Valdez told me I’d have to turn off in court.

It has traveled to take my first son to college.

My Lou to her first day of school.

I have used it at basketball games, football games and shows.

I have sent my husband sweet texts, grocery lists, and of course a million questions of “how could you”.

I have held on to my old iPhone 4…

My three boys all have iPhones 5 and 6.

They tease me because the case has been on it for 3 years now.

Lou teethed on it…

It has cracks and doesn’t really protect it anymore.

But when I held it?

My trusty old phone?

I knew everything, EVERYTHING from the affair was there. I could pull it up in one swipe.

It became my security blanket.

I told my husband last week, as it slowly pulled up a page on google, after hanging up on a person five minutes earlier, “I think I’m ready to get a new phone.”

He has tried to buy me one for 30 months, right after he came home the first time and it stopped working right for a couple of days, due to water damage from my tears. He has known it was and is my security blanket, my link to the past. He understood it was just one form of the crazy I had become. It makes him a little sad every time I refused to trade up.

Do I have a thing against ‘trading up’? Maybe, because as I have said for 3 years, you rarely trade up…

Deleting pictures….

And a new phone?

Maybe the storms are finally passing?

Maybe this time I’m healing for real?

Only thing is my oldest son told me the iPhone 7 is coming out. And if I’m going to trade in my phone I want a really good one.

Not a brightly dressed, selfie taking, lip puckering, thigh smacking,  cheap phone….

Sorry I didn’t say I was past it all…

“She asked me, “Son, when I grow old,
Will you buy me a house of gold?
And when your father turns to stone,
Will you take care of me?”

I will make you queen of everything you see,
I’ll put you on the map,
I’ll cure you of disease.

Let’s say we up and left this town,
And turned our future upside down.
We’ll make pretend that you and me,
Lived ever after happily.

She asked me, “Son, when I grow old,
Will you buy me a house of gold?
And when your father turns to stone,
Will you take care of me?”

I will make you queen of everything you see,
I’ll put you on the map,
I’ll cure you of disease.

And since we know that dreams are dead,
And life turns plans up on their head,
I will plan to be a bum,
So I just might become someone.”

-Twenty One Pilots-

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10 Responses to House of Gold

  1. fairytalefailure says:

    I think you should trade up, and I think you should remind your husband that you hold out and only move on when you are ready…and it’s always only upward. That’s what I would do. Symbolism is powerful. Last night, I went through the 5,000+ photos on my phone and deleted all affair related photos. But I made him look at the ones I was most bothered by first. So that way he knew that I had them and that I was deleting them now. 9 months of this. Many were screen shots from blogs (yours was the first one I ever found and it changed my perspective greatly – thank you) and many were of her ugly face (I made a collage of four pictures – two of mine and two of hers, just because, and I would send it to him from time to time…I am just objectively a lot prettier lol). I don’t need a new phone but I wanted the pictures gone. iPhoto haunts me forever. I will have to go through my laptop next. I hate her.
    Good for you. You are strong.

    • Thanks for the kind words, there have been several times in the last couple years I thought about taking down my blog, or making it private again. Then I get comments like yours that remind me there are people out there like I was too, who need to know they are not alone.

      I know it was time to delete the photo. It is also time to let go of my security blanket and move forward with a new phone…mine is so old, broken and slow. All words that maybe used to describe me, but not anymore.

      I always used to tell my kids “we don’t use the word hate, we say dislike immensely”, then I meet the whore…I hate her. Everything about her. I don’t know if we ever get over that part.

      Keep moving forward, keep trying to find your happy.

      Hugs

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    That’s our Kelly xxx.

  3. bac4sccr says:

    That song and your experience with your daughter finding a picture hurts me more than you will ever know. Although I am happy you are moving on and up. Good for the two of you.

    • If only people knew before they cheated the ripples of hurt they would cause? I like to think they would have taken the hard road with their spouse, and not what looked like the easy route with their affair partner…

      The song has been stuck in my head because my youngest son bought a ukulele and now plays and sings the song all the time….he introduces me to songs, a lot of which I’ve used on my blog.

      I hope your wife is well. I hope she finds peace.

  4. I’m glad your husband woke up! Is doing the right thing and you both can live your life together and repair. Great Blog thanks for the positive words. ❤

  5. Hello everyone so it looks like the fog has lifted and now my husband and I get to stand here and look at the damage. Kinda like a tornado. They have out me through hell and when I mean they lets call them Frick & Frack! I’m mentally and emotionally damaged. What I do know is I could never do to another human being what was done to me. Lying, sneaking, hurting it’s not in my make up. This women was not a stranger to me. Which is why it’s worse. I feel no love for my husband at all. I remorse was there when I found out but the affair had continued. I’m sure you’ve heard it all but to me this is something that spun me around and all I did was try to grab onto something not to get sucked up in the black hole of betrayal. So here I am. Standing alone looking at all that happened looking at all the damage as my Can Can whore decides she’s done and moves on with her life..Not caring about what she took part in and destroyed. I’m going to call her The Tornado whore. TW!

    • If the fog has FINALLY lifted? The good news is you two can decide what to save and what to throw away after this storm. You will have to do a lot of work and build a new foundation no matter what YOU decide. And yes you have a lot of deciding to do…whether you stay or go is going to be the first…take some time, don’t hurry, and figure out if there is any love left in the aftermath.

      Hugs sometimes it seems like it will never get better but one way or another it will.

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