Next week is my wedding anniversary…
I know “Oh ssshhhiiitttt!!!”
It will be my third one since D-Day.
Does it still suck?
I don’t know if this date, anniversary, memory, will ever stop sucking.
The positive thing about this year? I don’t have time for a breakdown.
I do not have time, period. No time for a visit from crazy Kelly, or a cry fest with sad Kelly, not even a minute to take a sledge-hammer to something shiny with mad Kelly. I just don’t have time.
I am working over nine-hour days. I am in the middle of calving season. My baby boy is playing football. Lou is…well Lou. I do not have the time to take the train to crazy town, I barely have time to get groceries.
I think it’s why God put me on this new path. I think it’s why he put these new people in my life. I know it’s why he put me in a room full of kids everyday, because as stressed and sad as I might get? A hug and a whisper of “I love you Mrs. Kelly” makes me realize life may suck but it’s not that bad.
And it’s really not that bad…
I am sanely insane, and I still talk to my animals.
I laugh daily now, yesterday to the point of crying. (It was sweet laughter my friends).
I still have my family…whole…around me.
I am so proud of my boys and the young men they have become. Sweet, Happy, Non-Jaded young men, who love with their whole hearts, still believe in happily ever after, and aren’t afraid of being sappy for their girlfriends…whom I adore.
I can appreciate a cool, almost fall morning, and see the sun, knowing it’s going to be a good day.
I am making apple and pumpkin everything this year, because I gave in and decided this year? I still love fall…
even though I know the triggers…
I feel the pain…
I am healed enough to get past it.
I walked into my living room last night, taking a break from my apple butter canning, and saw my husband and youngest son sitting on the couch together. There they sat, side by side, heads together, laughing as they watched a play from his Friday night football game. A little later, my husband came in and asked me if I wanted to ride with him to check calves.
“Sure,” I said and grabbed my jacket.
My youngest son came walking in the kitchen, “Where you going?” He questioned us.
“Just checking cows with your dad.” I replied.
“I wanna go with him.” he told me putting on his shoes.
I watched them walk out of the door together with smiles on their faces, and I sat back down with peace in my heart.
The cracks still present in our family are shrinking, love is winning.
“When I feel that chill, smell that fresh cut grass
I’m back in my helmet, cleats, and shoulder pads
Standing in the huddle, listening to the call
Fans going crazy for the boys of fall
They didn’t let just anybody in that club
Took every ounce of heart and sweat and blood
To get to wear those game-day jerseys down the hall
The kings of the school, man, we’re the boys of fall
Well it’s turn to face the stars and stripes
It’s fighting back them butterflies
It’s call it in the air, alright
Yes sir, we want the ball
And it’s knocking heads and talking trash
It’s slinging mud and dirt and grass
It’s I got your number, I got your back
When your back’s against the wall
You mess with one man, you got us all
The boys of fall
In little towns like mine, that’s all they’ve got
Newspaper clippings fill the coffee shops
The old men will always think they know it all
Young girls will dream about the boys of fall”