Boys Of Fall

Next week is my wedding anniversary…

I know “Oh ssshhhiiitttt!!!”

It will be my third one since D-Day.

Does it still suck?

Yes.

I don’t know if this date, anniversary, memory, will ever stop sucking.

The positive thing about this year? I don’t have time for a breakdown.

I do not have time, period. No time for a visit from crazy Kelly, or a cry fest with sad Kelly, not even a minute to take a sledge-hammer to something shiny with mad Kelly. I just don’t have time.

I am working over nine-hour days. I am in the middle of calving season. My baby boy is playing football. Lou is…well Lou. I do not have the time to take the train to crazy town, I barely have time to get groceries.

I think it’s why God put me on this new path. I think it’s why he put these new people in my life. I know it’s why he put me in a room full of kids everyday, because as stressed and sad as I might get? A hug and a whisper of “I love you Mrs. Kelly” makes me realize life may suck but it’s not that bad.

And it’s really not that bad…

I am sanely insane, and I still talk to my animals.

I laugh daily now, yesterday to the point of crying. (It was sweet laughter my friends).

I still have my family…whole…around me.

I am so proud of my boys and the young men they have become. Sweet, Happy, Non-Jaded young men, who love with their whole hearts, still believe in happily ever after, and aren’t afraid of being sappy for their girlfriends…whom I adore.

I can appreciate a cool, almost fall morning, and see the sun, knowing it’s going to be a good day.

I am making apple and pumpkin everything this year, because I gave in and decided this year? I still love fall…

even though I know the triggers…

I  feel the pain…

I am healed enough to get past it.

I walked into my living room last night, taking a break from my apple butter canning, and saw my husband and youngest son sitting on the couch together. There they sat, side by side, heads together, laughing as they watched a play from his Friday night football game. A little later, my husband came in and asked me if I wanted to ride with him to check calves.

“Sure,” I said and grabbed my jacket.

My youngest son came walking in the kitchen, “Where you going?” He questioned us.

“Just checking cows with your dad.” I replied.

“I wanna go with him.” he told me putting on his shoes.

I watched them walk out of the door together with smiles on their faces, and I sat back down with peace in my heart.

The cracks still present in our family are shrinking, love is winning.

When I feel that chill, smell that fresh cut grass
I’m back in my helmet, cleats, and shoulder pads
Standing in the huddle, listening to the call
Fans going crazy for the boys of fall

They didn’t let just anybody in that club
Took every ounce of heart and sweat and blood
To get to wear those game-day jerseys down the hall
The kings of the school, man, we’re the boys of fall

Well it’s turn to face the stars and stripes
It’s fighting back them butterflies
It’s call it in the air, alright
Yes sir, we want the ball
And it’s knocking heads and talking trash
It’s slinging mud and dirt and grass
It’s I got your number, I got your back
When your back’s against the wall
You mess with one man, you got us all
The boys of fall

In little towns like mine, that’s all they’ve got
Newspaper clippings fill the coffee shops
The old men will always think they know it all
Young girls will dream about the boys of fall”

-Kenny Chesney

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19 Responses to Boys Of Fall

  1. julesedison says:

    This sounds wonderful. So glad time is doing its job for you. It takes so many things to finally fall into place to get where you are. It will always hurt, but moving onward is the only way to live. Happy Anniversary to you and your still whole family! Jules

    • They say time can heal all things…and it can, but hurts like this will always leave a scar. I so agree about moving forward, and have tried to do it every day whether it meant crawling or limping along, I have moved. Thanks for the well wishes.

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly so happy to hear you are doing well. Yesterday was 3 years since Dday, nothing was brought up & the day went as usual! I have learned to accept, I will never have the happy life I had before, but I do have happy moments! Hugs from Joan

    • And you have survived and healed so much the last three years. I know we don’t get the happy back we once had, but I am just so happy to be able to have happy moments again. I am also thankful that you are finding some happy too…Hugs my not so broken friend.

  3. epperdl says:

    so happy for your awesome family!

  4. I’m still waiting for any kind of sign that the broken relationship between my oldest son and my husband starts to mend. Thanks for sharing the parts about your son and husband. It gives me hope.

    • Have hope…three years ago, I would have never thought I’d see this day, and yet here we all stand together and healing. I hope your husband is working his ass off everyday, and understands that he has to keep trying, even when it seems hopeless and he is being shot down with every effort. It can get better.

  5. MammaMia says:

    Wow… I checked into your blog a while back and stumbled back onto it tonight. I celebrated my one year “yucky” anniversary in June and will be celebrating my loving (and still healing) 23 year anniversary in November. I LOVE reading this post tonight. Reading this and the comments helps me to realize I’m not crazy for still hurting so bad. AND this week my husband just came to the conclusion he’s a high functioning alcoholic. Hmmm… Got drunk at a business meeting and started a relationship with “her” – yup there has to be a connection between his alcohol and his a$$hole-ness. I love him and want to help him through this new revelation but am still reeling from the original revelation… That he had an affair.

    • It took me at least a year to come to terms with the fact that mine had a affair, and I was not responsible. I still have ups and downs, and it still hurts. It will get easier to deal, and to get through it, but never will any part be ‘easy’.

      Alcohol, might have played a part in his affair, but it was not responsible. It might have made it easier for him to start the affair, but it was not responsible. He was responsible, he no matter under what influence, chose to start an affair, and continue the affair. So support him, but I hope he is not using it as an excuse.

      Cuz all of our partners, had/have excuses, but the blame lies solely with them.

      Hugs to you my sweet friend as you get through this.

  6. Feels like I haven’t read you in ages and I was just catching up. Guess I just missed you in my feeds. Things are starting to clear up a bit in my head and I needed to say thanks.. thanks for reaching out in the beginning.. thanks for showing me the others.. and I still love reading your blog.

  7. In my case not seeing me in your feeds is positive. It means the compulsion to write, to get it all out is fading, I am healing and moving forward.

    You are welcome. I felt like/feel like, I have a duty to help those who are struggling, as so many women did me in the beginning. Feeling like you aren’t alone is one of the most healing things I think. And unfortunately, there are so many of us out there.

    Glad to hear you are doing better.

  8. Deservesbetter says:

    It was a year in August for my D day. The last 3 months have been extremely hard. Not sure why? My husband has done everything asked of him, is extremely remorseful and yet everything in me wants to run, get out and call it quits. I feel so robbed of my life. I cry more now than I ever have and worse I can’t seem to stop it when it starts. It is all consuming. Our eldest son came home unexpectedly due to a friend passing. All very sad. He will be leaving in 4 days. I was home took a day off work was vacuum in and he crept down stairs to scare me something he loves to do. Well I was crying!! I wasn’t expecting him to be up it was 10 in the morning and he doesn’t usually get up until noon. Anyway there I was crying and he wanted to know why. I tried to put it off he would have none of it. So I told him. The one thing this whole year I was trying to protect was telling our kids. He was angry and sad, watching him cry was terrible. He was so supportive of me, whatever I wanted to do. He loves his dad and now he is mad. He asked me not to say anything to his dad he needs time. I am going to honour that. It feels like I am hiding a secret when we are suppose to be open and honest about everything I am so glad you are still writing. I know it is selfish of me. Glad you are healing and coming out on the other side. I can only hope that we all make it whatever or decision is.

  9. nativegirlnofeather says:

    As I was reading it made my heart happy and I smiled because I know there has been a gap between them and I could feel it closing as I read.

  10. hmichelle says:

    I am a stranger to you but you feel closer to me than anyone else in the world at the moment. I have read through each and every entry you have in record time. You see I have been searching…looking hard for a post just like this one. Something that would tell me it will be ok-ish. That I will be happy again. I was so happy before, before my husband lost himself and spit in my face with his affair. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making my day a little less lonely. I feel if we ever did meet that we would be fast friends…maybe in another life. Until then please know that you have helped at least one very sad angry woman a little less sad and angry.

    • I’m glad you found me 🙂 my fellow bloggers have called me the voice of optimism among the “affair blog world”. It’s so stinking hard sometimes to see the glimmers of hope laying within the destruction of our lives. It does get better? Easier? At least that’s what I keep telling myself as I put one foot in front of the other and continue down this road to healing my family. Hugs to you my sweet new friend, don’t stay angry and sad forever, YOU deserve to find happiness again.

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