Fight Song

So emotions are a little high this week…

Anniversary coming up remember, and it is going to hurt, no matter what I do.

It is making the triggers that hit do more damage than usual. It amplifies them, makes the voices become unmuzzled, and  makes me want to scream.

I have worked so hard to not be mean. I have done so much inner dialogue with my demons to come out of this sane. I have spent almost three years of Hell, to come out of this a non angry, not jaded, still whole person. I will not back slide, just because of a stupid date.

Okay, it’s a little more than a date, it was a promise, a legal and binding contract, a life choice, a very big fucking deal…but now it’s just a stupid day of the year.

Which I know from previous years, will pass. It will not kill me, repeat after me, IT WILL NOT KILL ME…

I have walked through the valley of the whore, and came out with some bruises and nasty whore on my shoes, but still whole.

I have sat the court of ‘bat shit crazy’ and ‘victim whore’ and not raised a finger in violence or voice in anger, and came out still sane.

I have made it through the first days and the on slots of lies and twisted tales, and still have my sanity.

I will walk through this week with my head held high, my thoughts non-murderous, and sanity intact.

I have been here before, and I will not stumble on my journey through this shitty week.

I will remember to breathe, to pause before speaking, to count my blessings, and I will be a nice person.

No crazy.

No sad.

No anger.

I will be just Kelly, and carry on with this life I fought hard to build from the trashed life I once had.

Say a little prayer for me my sweet friends…

“Like a small boat on the ocean
Sending big waves into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice?

This time this is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My powers turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got
A lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep they say I’m in too deep
And it’s been two years
And I miss my home
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice?

This time this is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My powers turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got
A lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left In me”

-Rachel Platten

 

 

 

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9 Responses to Fight Song

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, I know words can only do so much, but here goes, may the day be extra short & filled with only good memories of how you felt the day you married the man you still love, just good thoughts at least for that day! Hey I know you will be okay, love & hugs my friend, I will be thinking of you.

  2. julesedison says:

    I hope the day is a happy one. You have fought so hard to keep that day a celebration for your family. Go Kelly!

  3. I love how you keep stressing it’s a day and you WILL get through it. Praying for you ❤

  4. My friend if you have a wedding video watch it. Photos of the wedding look at them with your kids and talk about how in love you and your husband were at the time. Change the anniversary to mean something to both of you and your family in a positive way. I wish I could do, that my marriage is ending and I accepted it (trying) i put up the good fight for almost a year. My husband is not the same person anymore my whore changed him. I love your blog. I love how you fight each day for your family. You were my inspiration for all those months as well as all the responses from friends. Make that day different make a new anniversary. Don’t show that whore that she still has you show her what you still have ❤

  5. nativegirlnofeather says:

    Keep looking forward and let that day remind you of a victory!! The victory of a marriage you fought so hard to keep and won!!!

  6. Lea says:

    Oh Kelly – so I’m a big fan of your blog. I keep thinking yes- someone who knows the anger, the grief. I can tell family, friends, even my husband but unless you walked this crap filled road of betrayal you can’t really get it. I just finished reading your anniversary posts from last year and then I came up here- hoping this year was better and I’m so glad that you were busy and could enjoy the Fall a bit more.

    My first anniversary after D Day is still a couple of months away. Last year It fell on Thansgiving- it was our 10 years- we were supposed to go away – we didn’t cause my dad almost died and was in the hospital. Phone records show that he texted her first thing in the morning- before he ever said happy anniversary to me- he’s texting the whore happy thanksgiving. We spent the night at the place we got married- after I fell asleep he stayed up texting her. He still had the time off from work for our anniversary- he told me he would attend a work conference – it could be a getaway for him too since it was at a nice lodge. There was no conference – he took her. It was also in the town we took our first vacation after we became parents. After dropping me off the next day,so I could visit my dad, after our anniversary night he went shopping for her. They were going to celebrate Christmas early together during their getaway- you know your real families may get suspicious if you’re not home for Christmas and of course whore had quite the shopping list. I sent him a text telling him I was so grateful he worked hard for us and had some time to relax. I even tried to get some friends we have up there to see if they could meet up with them. I didn’t want him to be lonely- stupid me how could he be lonely when he had his whore there. He said he tried to contact them but never heard back. Another lie and he made up an excuse when I said I was able to get in contact with them.
    I get the hate. The years of love for who they were. The gratitude of them staying even when they see the wrekage they caused, that they’re finally choosing to be men who face the truth- as ugly and as painful as it is instead of cowards who couldn’t voice their unsatisfacton. But still there is hate for choosing someone else and giving to them what belonged only to their wives and children.

    Here’s to our husbands- who got the better deal, who married up and to us who walk the crappy road but with our heads held high and our hearts always being true- broken yes, but also always true. At least we walk it alongside kickass woman . Not the pathetic woman who have take selfies and pucker lips, who post crap on their fb pages about how unforgettable they are, who have kids but still make their lives about drinking, clubbing and dressing, like well whores- it’s like they come with a play book , they’re the real basic bitches- another fb post from my husbands whore. She thinks she’s not but all whores think they’re special- if they only knew how many of them are out there. We may be a bruised group but it’s a group I’m proud of- strong , beautiful women who uplift and fight in- even though it feels like death while we do it. Thank you Kelly for writing with such honesty and vulnerability. It helps tremendously!

    • I’m glad that my blog helps, it’s honestly why I keep writing, because of people like you. People who need to know it does get better, and you can survive this…all of this. Thanks for the kind words, it’s nice to know I am doing some good, that some good is coming out of something horrible in my life. Hang in there, the first year is the hardest, after that? It becomes bearable.

  7. Lea says:

    You help so much- I think beyond what you even realize. I read your posts and my heart breaks because I know how deep the knife is pushed and when the whore turns it, ahhh I just want to punch her in the face. When I read post where you’re doing well- I’m
    like a sideline cheerleader, rooting you on. I know you’re making it through this and you’ll continue to make progress. You didn’t deserve any of this, but thank you for writing- that takes a strength I don’t possess yet, but when I read someone I can relate to, it’s like you’re giving me that push I need too to keep plodding ahead. I wish you and me and all the other faithful wives could get together, hang out, share our stories, laugh and cry together and have the whores tied up some where and use them as target practices. – it would be such a great day! Keep your chin up- you’ve got so much to be proud of. I don’t even know you and I’m so proud of your honesty, courage, dignity and grace! When that letter was sent to you it was meant to break you. But here you stand – leaning on God, family whole, and you’re not just rallying youself but a whole group of other women who were also delt the same unfair cards. See- so proud of you!!!

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