Bad Blood

Had a sad epiphany yesterday…

I stayed in my marriage.

I choose to stay in my marriage.

Let’s be honest, I fought with everything I had to save my marriage…

My family.

My husband.

And kids.

Now here I sit, almost three years later from the day my life got blown to Hell, and I still remember it all.

My life before…

My life during…

and the sadness after.

It is all still here. Forever a part of me. It is as much a part of me as my birthmark on my left arm, my scar from the cactus on my head, and the stretchmark’s from my children. It is always going to be with me. Always until the day I die…

How’s that for a thought on this beautiful fall weekend?

I have survived almost three years, and yet it will always be here in my heart. A scar which will still fester with a splinter from the past, and it still hurts. It will never ever completely go away.

The knowledge of the scar makes me sad.

The fact of it never going away makes me a little angry.

The passing of almost three years makes me want to go a tad bit crazy.

All of which I still fight against every, single stinking day.

Ugghh…

I still want to sometimes scream at how unfair it is. The affair, the taking of the life I knew, the chaos and hurt that was brought to me, and the fact of no matter how much time passes or how much I try to move forward? It will always be with me.

It is now a part of me.

To stay means to never forget.

To stay is to be forever be haunted by it.

To stay is hard.

…. sometimes I get really tired of doing hard.

And yet here I keep walking down the path that will never be easy.

Which makes me wonder about my sanity? And I know wondering if I’m crazy let’s me know I’m still sane, because only crazy people never wonder if they are crazy…right?

My epiphany?

On my death-bed I will remember the affair, and my heartbreak.

I just hope it is not my last thought…

“(Hey!) Did you think we’d be fine?
Still got scars on my back from your knife
So don’t think it’s in the past
These kind of wounds they last and they last
Now did you think it all through?
All these things will catch up to you
And time can heal but this won’t
So if you come in my way, just don’t
Oh, it’s so sad to think about the good times
You and I

‘Cause baby now we got bad blood
You know it used to be mad love
So take a look at what you’ve done
‘Cause baby now we got bad blood

(Hey!) Now we got problems
And I don’t think we can solve them
You made a really deep cut
And baby now we got bad blood

(Hey!) Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show
You live like that, you live with ghosts (Ghosts)
Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes (Hey!)
You say sorry just for show (Hey!)
You live like that, you live with ghosts (Hey!)
Hm, if you love like that blood runs bad

-Taylor Swift-

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17 Responses to Bad Blood

  1. julesedison says:

    Hang in there sweet girl! No, it won’t ever go away, but you made something beautiful out of it. You still have your wonderful family-intact. You have a family who knows you could have chosen a very different path (which wouldn’t have been wrong), and I imagine they are very grateful for your choice. And, of course, the scar would still be there with either choice. As long as you have a positive and authentic relationship with your husband, you are so far ahead. I still resent how my husband and I got here, but I’m so glad he has learned how to be a husband and partner. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts! –Jules

    On Sunday, October 4, 2015, Happiness used to live here…surviving an

  2. As I have only just survived the first three MONTHS, reading this gives me pause. So far, I’ve chosen to stay. I think I understand that the affair will always be in the back of my mind, but will I regret this choice to stay three years on? It’s so unfair that I should have to contemplate leaving or staying at all.

  3. horsesrcumin says:

    Kelly. Thinking of you. You are so right. And there’s not a damn thing we can do about the past. It sucks. And it will never go away, we will never have that continuous love story. The one we worked for – and deserved. Acceptance of that is this journey’s highest hurdle. I don’t think you ever manage to fully scramble over it, merely just peek through it, making the peephole bigger and bigger. The choices are hard. And we can never be sure we got it right. Only right for right now. ♥♥♥

  4. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, this post so accurately describes the after effects of an affair, effects that will most certainly last the rest of our lives, whether we stay or leave! I have also thought would that be the last thought on my mind as I leave this world. I too have struggled these last 3 years, it’s a constant ache, a feeling of what if, a feeling of just how permanent the aftermath of an affair really is! Myself & others on here have talked about how hard our husbands are trying, why did it take an affair before they tried? And I’m sorry to disagree with Jules, but I see no way anything beautiful can be made out of an affair, the beauty was when my marriage was affair free! I know it’s hard to stay strong, l lose that battle a lot, but I’m sending all the support I can to you, with the hope we can hang on with whatever happy moments we get from our lives now. Hugs from Joan

  5. julesedison says:

    No apology needed Joan. 😎 We all look at it differently. What I meant was that Kelly took a hopeless situation and remade her family. As I said, I resent in my own life that it took the destruction of my world for my husband to get the help he needed to be the partner that I and his family needed. The fact that it is possible to find a new normal, even if there is a sadness about what has been lost, is beautiful to me. The way it happened on the other hand is completely unacceptable. I definitely do not feel that my husband’s betrayal is the the best thing that happened to me. Hope that clarifies. Best to you, Joan. –Jules

    • brokenjoan says:

      Jules, thank you for your kind reply, I appreciate it! You’re right we all look at it differently, but the pain is one only a betrayed feels, I think all of us will agree to that! The comments I make are just my own, I truly don’t mean to offend, just don’t let an ow on here, that’s another story altogether! XO Joan

  6. I’m not sorry I stayed, not for one second…and I do realize the past is where it belongs, in the past. It was just a slap to the face to realize this weekend that I might be the only person “in” the affair who still thinks of it everyday. I really doubt knowing how self absorbed and selfish the whore was, if a thought of me passes through her small mind. As for my husband? I know it still haunts him…the pain he caused, the life he took, but does he think of it every day? Will it be with him forever? I don’t know…but it’s unfair (I say like a three year old throwing a fit) that I have to carry it forever…

    I guess it’s the fall, and the triggers this time of year brings, that is amplifying everything…but not to worry I’m still here, and not going backwards.

    • julesedison says:

      Nah, the three year olds throwing a fit were the other two in the affair. But seriously, I have had the same thought. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in our situation who thinks of it daily.

  7. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, don’t feel bad for a second, hell yeah it’s unfair we have to carry this forever & I don’t give a shit what that sounds like, if any group deserves to throw a fit I would think it would be us! This time of year was always my favorite, but is now filled with triggers. As for it being with our husbands forever how could it be, we didn’t screw somebody else! Sorry they did it, that’s what they say! And I agree the past belongs in the past, BUT & I think you’ll agree, it’s hard to do when the smell of whore keeps intruding on the present!!! Here’s to moving forward or whatever the hell we’re doing, one painful step at a time! As you can tell by my rant I’m having some bad Dday memories myself, be a dear & wake me up when Fall is over! A big HUG from Joan

  8. Bugsmetwo says:

    Thank you for your honest post.

    I’ll be honest too in that I cried while reading it knowing that your post resonates my future reality yet-to-be and I’m not sure I want it yet.

    I love the heartache in the song too!

    I’m so sorry you have found sorrow three years later. That has to be difficult and definitely feel unfair, just like you said. Stupid stupid affairs.

  9. Lea says:

    Dear Kelly,

    Your blog has been such a lifeline for me. I’m 8 months from D-day, when I walked into bedroom, washed linens in my arms from kids who had been sick. Dinner was done, kitchen cleaned up. My husband said he’d be right down – but I decided to go up and put the sheets back in the bed and I hear him on the phone. He sounds flirty, giggely. I stand in my room like a statue- telling myself- don’t overreact, you thought things before and you were wrong. He always had an explanation. Then I heard him say- because you’re my girlfriend – and I lost it. I screamed. I flew in the room. It was all exposed and I was going to start walking through fucking hell. Whores are pieces of shit. My husband’s waste than happy to fill in details- she had been in my house twice, in my bed- while inwas in the ICU with my dad.
    I became someone I didn’t know- a rage overtook me.
    I spent the next day beating the shit out of him. I would do that for a while. Anger and sadness was all I knew. I wish I could have done better in front of my kids but I could only do the best I could. I never got angry with them but they saw my rage towards my husband. The triggers. I wanted lots of details- I wanted to know how he could be such an asshole. They were dark days,but like you I had beautiful family and friends. They let me see how broken my husband was. They pointed me always towards God, who carried me through. I saw the little ways God had loved me and was faithful even while my husband was actively choosing to hurt me – for a bitch, a whore. Someone who made his sick fantasies seem normal. She used him for expensive gifts and vacations. But she also treated him like shit. That’s what he picked over me and that’s all the muck and shit I have had to walk through.
    But like you- I married a better man. I met him when I was 17- We have a history together. Our husbands were assholes for a time and probably would still be if we hadn’t found out but by God’s grace we did. It hurts like shit- I think about things and that anger can rise up still so easily but the truth is I don’t want to stay in that place. The scar is there but don’t pick at it Kelly.
    You chose to fight. You chose to stay and it’s hard but you saved your husbands soul from a toxic woman and a toxic life. You have real love. It’s true. It’s genuine- it costs you something everyday but you give it so that someone you love can be the man he truly is and not a whore’s version. Your blog has gotten me through so many hard, bitter days and I just want to encourage- your not on this journey alone and your journey has a purpose and meaning. We will make it through this and we will rejoice one day with our Savior who gave us the strength to plod through!

  10. woundedraven says:

    Thank you for this post. I remember saying to my husband at one point something about how I will someday die knowing my marriage was tainted with a scar on my heart. And he will give my eulogy having the affair(s) lingering somewhere in the back (or forefront) of his mind. Basically I was morbidly pointing out that his actions will haunt us forever. It’s such a double edged sword to know that on one hand, we are fighting for our marriage and hopefully developing an even stronger bond than before but at the same time the affair can never be erased and we have to move forward knowing that. xoxo

  11. Well, I agree with you, Kelly. On my deathbed, this phase in my marriage is a regret (my affair, his affair, the pain caused to both of us). It just sucks and there is no changing the past, but making a better future. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that (for today) xx Keep playing your music LOUD, my dear friend – Love you!

  12. emmagc75 says:

    Do u really think you will still remember it this strongly years from now? It’s been 7 years since his affair and while I don’t forget it, it doesn’t hurt any longer like it once did. I wish the same for u.

  13. annasnow says:

    The whore that held court in my drama didn’t have children and I count that as a blessing. Being intimate after an affair is hard because I imagine them doing the same thing. Having him say nice things to me hurts because I know that he said them to her. HARD, HARD, HARD…….But damn, when I read in your blog that you husband had taken care of her children, I cried……knowing that had my whore had children he would have been a father figure to them more than our own. I admire the hell out of you because even though I’ll continue trying to move past this, if he had replaced my children I would have castrated him. …….Know without a shadow of a doubt that you are not the only one thinking about “IT”. The whore will never let it rest in her mind, she will always follow your family because she thought it was going to be hers . …..PS… Why don’t you consider sharing her can can picture on SHE’S A HOMEWRECKER.com. Bet she would love the attention.

    • My husband wasn’t around her children a lot, not like she wanted him to. He once said he felt bad for them because she was always trying to push them on to men. They had a perfectly fine dad themselves, so I’m not sure what her angle was…and honestly don’t care. As for him replacing my children with hers? That never happened, he never acted as their dad. He never loved them, or took care of them. He babysat one of her daughters one evening. If he had treated hers as his family? We would no longer be together, and he would be seeing his kids a couple times a month. I don’t think she thinks of us, because she has moved on with her ex-husband. She literally went back to the rock she slithered out from under. I see the irony in it. There was a time I probably would have considered posting her picture, but my blog gave me the ability to out her, without having to stoop down to her level. I have told my story, and the part she played in it, how people read it and who they think the Can Can whore is? That’s up to them….Thanks for reading, I hope you can find healing.

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