Hello

Happy Blog Anniversary to Me…

Two years ago I finally started writing a blog…

wordy at first.

made me cry every time.

it ran on and on sometimes.

and the over use of this……

I was going to say goodbye at the end of year one. I figured a different blog, or maybe a book, instead God put me on a different path.

He sent me to school, where my healing has continued.

I did have a brief flirtation with a reality show and the lifetime network…it wasn’t meant to be. Too much Jerry Springer, not enough reality? Anyway, me and Lifetime, I think I lived that already.

My path instead,  I believe was meant to bring me where I am.

I have new kick ass friends.

A job that I love.

And a reason to get out of bed, even on my really bad days.

What words of wisdom do I have?

Words, I wish I had found when I was desperately googling, trying to find anything about “recovering from an affair” or “saving my marriage after affair”.

I’d say these things…

I’m sorry.

Sorry that you are here.

Sorry for what you are going through.

If it is the first hours, days, weeks, after discovery? Do me a favor, and eat, sleep, and drink lots of water. You are going to need to be at your fighting weight to get through this. And you are going to need all your energy to survive.

If you are six months in? It sucks, because everyone expects you to be healed and moving on…you aren’t even close.

Don’t make any rash decisions…moving away, giving up, changing yourself? Wait awhile, you might find everything is as it should be or at least where it should be.

Don’t think you are crazy. You are, like totally fucked up and crazy, I ain’t going to lie, but you aren’t. You are a betrayed spouse, that’s a new kind of crazy. A curable crazy, and it is supposed to change you.

Figure your shit out, and then make a plan.

Then realize that you can’t make any plans until after year one. Because year one is just about surviving. So all you are doing is figuring out how to breathe, eat, sleep, and not kill your spouse. Plan is? Survive.

If your marriage survives until after year one, decide to heal it. Be committed to healing it. Half assing it? Will only prolong the process, so give it everything you have left. You might find that you are still in love with him/her, and that your marriage is going to  be okay.

Year one? it sucks. Year two? it sucks a little less.

Year two is where you might find your happy again. I think it starts with mercy, and forgiveness.

I like forgiveness.

Forgive him. Forgive yourself.

The whore…she’s optional, I’m not there yet.

I think forgiveness is about letting go of the hate, the anger and the bitterness.

Let it go.

You might think it’s hurting them, but it’s not, at least not like it’s hurting you. It’s weighing you down and keeping you prisoner.

So let it go.

Will you still get angry? Yes! And you will feel the hate and bitterness come boiling up. But decide they don’t get to control you, and when you can?

Let it go.

Year two is about finding you again.

Finding out who you are now, because you are not the same person. You will never be the person you were before.

Make your peace with it.

Find yourself…I know, how new age of you, Kelly.

But I mean it, find the new you.

I don’t laugh as much.

I live with triggers.

I have a sadness now which makes me cry…daily at first,  then weekly, now monthly.

I am fierce now if you attack my husband. Don’t think you can judge him, or make snide remarks because of his choices. I will rip your fucking face off, literally no more face. We are now a we and in it together.

I have anxiety, and meltdowns.

I appreciate the small things. When you can’t see anything other than your own pain for a year? When you live in a bubble of darkness? When you finally can see clear, you see everything. Every single little thing. I don’t take them for granted anymore.

I have changed, for better for worse, it is the new me.

Year two is about healing.

No you aren’t totally cured, fine, never have bad days again.

But you are better, and better is okay compared to where you have been. I will take better any day of the week, compared to laying in the bottom of my shower in the fetal position bawling.

Better is all about perspective, and compared to where I was? I am doing pretty fucking amazing.

Year two is better than year one.

I am into year three now. Just a couple of weeks in, and I know it’s not going to be perfect. I’m okay with that…in fact more than okay. I am at peace with it.

My life was never perfect.

It’s not going to be a ‘happily ever after’ they rode off into the sunset ending for me.

I’m not a Disney princess.

I’m kind of glad, I can’t stand those bitches.

All singing…

And being saved by a man and shit.

I’ll find my own shoe, thank you.

And I hope in your year three? You find peace and your own version of happy.

“Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya
But I ain’t done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry
For everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly
Doesn’t tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?
It’s so typical of me to talk about myself, I’m sorry
I hope that you’re well
Did you ever make it out of that town
Where nothing ever happened?

It’s no secret
That the both of us
Are running out of time

So hello from the other side (other side)
I must’ve called a thousand times (thousand times)
To tell you I’m sorry
For everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home

Hello from the outside (outside)
At least I can say that I’ve tried (I’ve tried)
To tell you I’m sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly
Doesn’t tear you apart anymore

Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Ooooohh, anymore
Anymore

Hello from the other side (other side)
I must’ve called a thousand times (thousand times)
To tell you I’m sorry
For everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never
Seem to be home

Hello from the outside (outside)
At least I can say that I’ve tried (I’ve tried)
To tell you I’m sorry
For breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly
Doesn’t tear you apart anymore”

-Adele-

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14 Responses to Hello

  1. Reblogged this on Happiness used to live here…surviving an affair and commented:

    Why should the 220 post on my two year anniversary of blogging be any different than the first? I have had more problems trying to post this then I did my first post. But I think it’s worth reading? Hell it was worth writing….hugs my sweet friends. It has been two years and people are still stopping by to read…

  2. savingshards says:

    Well worth reading. Thank you – hope you don’t stop.

  3. julesedison says:

    Great post Kelly. I hope those in the first throws of this crapfest find this post. It is open and honest, and that is just what they need. I hope YOUR year three gives you peace and happiness. Hugs, Jules

  4. Beautiful.. You were the first blog I found. The Lord blessed me with your presence..thank you.. and so right about year two.. ❤ I wonder if I'll get there with Charles to be protective over him, because I really don't care if anyone says something backwards about him, or about him much in that sense that we are a we..
    I think it's amazing to read about though..
    Here's to year 3
    ❤ NH

  5. annasnow says:

    I have now read your entire blog and you are a wonderful writer. You are so right that some are worth saving, so glad that yours was one of those. Your entire family is blessed to have you. Wishing you peace going forward.

  6. It’s almost a year ago from D day for me. January 20th. Let me tell you the pain is just as new as the day I found out. I fought for my marriage and decided to leave since I knew I was no longer loved and wanted. 23 years of my life I spent with a man who I thought was my soul mate ,my best friend and life partner. You get pretty destroyed when you find out he feels that way about another women. It hurts even worse when you know her, had her to your home, she sat at your dinner table and considered a friend. The lies that went on would blow your mind. Once the truth was out nothing was real. My life as I knew it was over. The jealousy sets in and you become a monster and a venerable hurt animal at different times. Bat Shit crazy! Leaving I knew would be hard but when I thin about staying its just the same hurt only at times you still have your life & your home. The fighting I could not take and the fact that I wasn’t being noticed as the one hurting was something I’m trying to recover from. How a man can choose to worry about the feelings of this new twat over his wife of 18 years I will never understand and also to not car about destroying his child’s life. Not the man I want in my life. Now I’m alone. Live with my parents. Sometimes I sing in my car but I mostly cry. I’m in mourning. How long is it gonna take? I have no idea. My disgrace ( that’s what I call my ex) is living in the house and his life has not changed. Most people would say I was crazy for leaving but I would have been on the news if I didn’t. So I was at the end of a cliff looking back at the hell behind me and looking down from the edge thinking what ever I land has got to be better than this! And I jumped. Now I’m roaming around trying to survive in a place I have never been. Trying to be ok for my son. Be ok for my family and keep it all together in the process. I pray for strength for all of you putting up the good fight and for me I hope I find peace so I could kill the monster I’ve become and live my new life.

    • Aww my sweet friend I am so sorry. At almost a year out? I was crazy, mean and so fucking sad. It was still consuming me at my first D-day. The hows and the whys drove me crazy. I wish I could tell you I had a magic wand and loan it to you for healing. But as you know from my blog, no magic wands or magic ass fairies to fix our grief and anger.

      Will it get better? Yes, I promise you it will. Will it still suck? Yep, for a long time. But someday it’s going to stop sucking so bad. Someday you will see him and instead of grief you will feel pity. And someday I pray he will wake up so fucking miserable he finds it hard to breathe. And when he tells you, and you see his pain? You will know it’s finally over because you could give 2 shits about him and his feelings.

      Year two is about healing, and it’s so close. You have your child, parents and friends, you have us out here in the blog world…you got this.

      You are going to be alright just keep moving toward the light.

      Hugs…

  7. Terry says:

    Thank you thank you thank you for this site. I’m on day 4 and I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. I’ve always been a fairly upbeat person and it feels so strange not to smile. I can maintain then when I try to sleep I cry and cry. Anyway…I’ll be reading your blog and trying to find some incite. Thank you again…

    • Terry I am so sorry for the nightmare you’ve found yourself in. Four days in? I was so stinking sad and angry, and still trying to accept the situation. My best advice? Get some sleeping pills, from your doctor, from your local Walmart…get something and take it every night till you can function again. Third year out and I still take them, sleep is our friend, nighttime and compulsive thoughts are not. Talk to someone, even if it’s just us, my fellow bloggers and readers. Having friends who have been there or are there going through this help. Hang in there it will get easier and you will survive. Hugs my sweet friend.

      • Day 4 for me felt like I got hit with a bat.. I was spinning and sick to my stomach with thoughts raging through my mind I was laughing , crying, flipping out but I have to say getting help was the best thing for me. I chose not to tell anyone till I was ready. It help to tell people that won’t judge you and the decisions you make throughout this nightmare. A warm hug for you my new friend❤ we are all here for you.

    • julesedison says:

      Be kind to yourself. Try to eat, try to sleep, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Give yourself time before making any major decisions. And remember, you are not alone. Many of us have walked this road and are listening and understanding. So glad you found this blog so quickly.

  8. kaye72978 says:

    Terry- Hang in there! The pain of those first few days, weeks, and months is excruciating! You will feel like you will not be able to survive it but what you will learn is that you are so much stronger than you ever knew- even though you feel like you’re not, I promise you that you are. You are not alone- sadly there’s so many of us- wives doing our best, trusting our husbands only to be blindsided. Do anything to sleep because otherwise your mind will torment you. Try to get counseling- talk to friends. You have been wounded deeply and unjustly and you need a voice. I’m so sorry you are going through this pain.

    Living hell 2015- your Dday is just 2 days before mine. I’m so sorry that your husband still has his head up his ass and that your ex friend is such such a conniving bitch. The fucker doesn’t deserve a woman like you! Those two deserve each other. And you deserve so much more than the shit he has to offer! I’m so angry for you!!!

    • Livinghell2015 says:

      Ya know what the fight is for? It’s because We know what hell would be like for us for our kids and our family that’s why we fight to save the marriage. I fought because of what birthdays would be like and holidays – I fought for family dinners and school events I wanted to keep. I fought to keep the love going. I fought to have my husband next to me in bed. I fought to keep my best friend. I fought to save our lives. I fought to not cause hurt and pain for my son. Not because we’re dumb or stupid or insecure. Because we are protecting what was built by two people who loved each other and one of them some how got lost. I tried. I tried real hard. I can say that this man was the love of my life. To my friends that know what happened they can’t understand that. Everyone seems to think when you leave you have to dust yourself off and jump back on the horse. If my husband chose me I would still be fighting each day to be a family. I understand. I was in it. It really helps to have this blog and know that when you feel alone. You’re not ❤️ Thanks to all my new friends. Much love ☀️

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