Rolling In The Deep

I got a little sad the other day.

Not like crying my eyes out, laying in my kitchen floor, with a dish towel covering my head sad….just sad.

It was brought to my attention, through the actions of another person, that people look at my marriage as a failure.

There are people who look in my home, through the  looking glass (my blog) I provided the whole world, and like to look around at my family.

I sometimes hear them clear their throat, like something has left a bad taste in their mouth. It is sometimes a giggle, or even all out belly laughter. They enjoy the view for awhile, as we sit shadowed in their judgment.

It used to hurt.

It once upon a time, made it hard for me to go out in public.

I got over it.

It wasn’t the other person’s judgment of my family which made me sad. Trust me it wasn’t, she’s crazier than bat shit crazy, and we all know that’s fucking crazy.

It was because I don’t get my fairy tale.

“But Kelly, you hate fairy tales…”

I do.

I hate those old fashioned, waiting on a man to save them damsels in distress, stories.

I hate them more because ‘the whore’ was thinking about getting Tinker Bell on her back.

I just wanted my own fairy tale.

The one I used to tell my kids.

“I met him at a snowgarrita party, and he was a jerk. Cute but a jerk. We ended up talking at another party, and this time he was nice. We ended up seeing each other more and more, until one night he kissed me. Right then and there, I knew I felt something…something different. Six months later, he proposed and we have been together ever since…”

I now feel fake every time it’s brought up.

I feel like every happy time was bullshit.

I feel like it was all just one giant 23 year lie.

I have friends that started dating in junior high, they now have two beautiful daughters, and a marriage I am jealous of.

They have the fairy tale.

The happily ever after.

They don’t judge us, and would never think about comparing their marriage to ours. They are supportive and happy for us, which in some ways just sucks.

I used to have a marriage that made people jealous.

I think that’s one thing which pisses me off…well besides the whole cheating with the town whore debacle.

The fact that for just a second, we almost had it all.

The family.

The marriage.

The dogs and a cat.

The farmhouse on a hill…

We almost had it all.

And now here we sit, being judged by a crazy person, and found wanting.

So I was sad.

Then a new friend told me something.

” My husband and I were talking about you guys, and how you all handled everything. You handled it fantastic. You never gave up or stopped being a mom.”

Yes, we are still the subject of small town talk…three years later.

But, there are people who admire the way we got through our families darkest time.

It made me feel?? Proud?

For the first time, I am proud. Not of my kids, those guys are rock stars. I am proud of my husband and me.

What should have ripped us apart, made us closer.

What was supposed to be the end, became a new beginning.

What others let define them, we decided to define instead.

My marriage isn’t a failure. My marriage isn’t a comedy for people to laugh at. It’s not a bloody mess, for others to point and stare at, snapping pictures as they drive by.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I have a new age fairy tale.

In this messed up world, I have a marriage I am proud of. One I have spent 23 years, building. Not all of the blocks are full of happy rainbows and sunshine, but I’m pretty sure that shit would fall over in the first bad storm.

Or the first time the big, bad wolf tried to blow my house down.

And you have nothing to be ashamed of either, my sweet friends. There is no shame in struggles, in imperfection. Most families deal with bad times, and we are all taught to smile and pretend our lives are perfect.

If we all believe Facebook? Everyone in America is blissfully happy. No one is in debt, struggles with addictions, marital woes, or depression. Perfection is just ordinary here, and imperfection is shameful.

I wish more people would be honest. Would show our kids that having “it all”, means struggles along the way. That the road to happiness is full of pot holes and speed traps. Where really bad shit happens daily.

But…

You can still find your happy ending.

And I believe those of us who struggle and fight for it? Are the ones who they should write new “Fairy tales” about. Or better still?

Let’s all write our own endings.

Ones without glass slippers, or singing mice, where real life happens.

And they lived imperfectly, in a messy house, which was often filled with laughter,

Happily ever after….

“Baby I have no story to be told
But I’ve heard one of you and I’m gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there as mine sure won’t be shared

The scars of your love, remind you of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it
With a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could have had it all
We could have had it all
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat”

-Adele-

 

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12 Responses to Rolling In The Deep

  1. spaghettisam says:

    One of my favorite quotes: If you compare your life to someone’s life on Facebook you’re comparing your behind-the- scenes to their highlight reel. So true!

    No one knows what goes on in another person’s marriage. When I told a friend about my husband’s affair (with his cousin no less) and our subsequent upcoming divorce she told me it gave her the courage to tell others about the hell she had been living in with an abusive, alcoholic husband who had been conducting an affair for three years. Another friend got her house ready to sell, moved across the country with her husband and four kids and less than a year later was announcing on Facebook their plans to divorce. He was embroiled in an emotional affair and had told her only 4 months after moving he didn’t think he could remain married to her anymore. There are, unfortunately, thousands if not millions of stories exactly like that.

    I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning. I’m very happy you and your husband were able to make it. Tell all the naysayers to go fuck themselves.

  2. People make me sick! No marriage is perfect of course on Facebook it is.. My marriage ended and I will be the first to tell you it wasn’t perfect but in the times we live in now if your husband doesn’t kiss your ass buy you diamonds send you flowers and have you driving in an escalade then there is something wrong with your marriage. I never needed a lot. Lived the simple life and like kelly was not looking for a fairytale but a happily ever after. I admire the couples that don’t have to show off and are happy with their lives. but it could happen to any of those couples heck it could have happened and the wives never found out! I admire you so much. Wish my husband came out of the fog but he didn’t and we are now riding the waves of separation/ Divorce. Strength to all ❤️

    • If he didn’t come out? Walk away…no RUN!! Because your happiness isn’t there with him, but somewhere else, with someone else. It’s not going to be easy, but finding a new life without him is going to be for the best.

  3. Another Kelly says:

    I’ve been reading your posts and it breaks my heart.

    Our situations are not similar but my partner has said that to him, it feels like I had an affair. We don’t need to get into the details, but that’s what he said. I can go to all the therapists in the world to help me, but what I really need is the advice of someone who’s been through the pain. Because I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I can never make him feel secure again. And we will never get back what we once had. Like you, he feels like our love story is now a lie. He says I broke him. How do I… unbreak him? It’s a silly question, I know, but I’m at a loss. I thought I was doing ok, but I got complacent and I tend to forget that I caused the hurt and I “carry on as usual”. I don’t know how to build him up again. And I so desperately want to.

    I’m really happy that you are able to rebuild your life again. In a way that works for you and your family. I wish you all the best.

    • I guess my advice is, be better. Be a better wife, partner, person than you were. Words can’t fix him, but your actions everyday can. He will never be the same, nothing broken ever fits back together the same. But he can become happy again, and you can be there when he is. You just have to prove you are in it for the long haul.

  4. J-Ro says:

    Dear Kelly, I just binged your entire blog in 2 days. I don’t remember what exactly it was I typed in the search engine (OK I lie it was something with the word “whore” in the title and up came your blog Lol). It was like reading my thoughts, my feelings for the last year and a half written by Someone else. I too have a crazy Jess, Angry Jess a Sad Jess and oddly enough a “Bob”. Our stories are so similar with the exception of the “whore” trying to hang on. Thankfully our “whore” gave up after only scary conversation with “angry Jess”. I just wanted to reach out to you and Thank you for writing about this journey so honestly but mostly so eloquently. I too love to write and my husband has encouraged me to start a journal, I’ve tried but I just don’t have the strength to get it all out on paper. But then I stumbled across your blog and I felt like I was reading my own story, my own feelings, it really touched me. I am not alone. I will pray for you and your family. Please continue to pray for us hurt spouses (I too hate the BS acronym it annoys the shit out of me). My husband and I are doing everything we can to continue to heal. This has been the toughest battle of my life but you have given me hope. Thank you & God Bless 🙏

    • Jess, thank you for the kind words. I don’t know if my readers ever really know how much their comments mean to me? It’s nice to know that after everything I’ve been through, and the grief I sometimes get for openly writing about it, that my words make a difference. It’s because of people like you that I still write.

      I think we all have angry, crazy, sad and sane voices competing in our heads. It’s when they all finally stop fighting and screaming that we can find peace. I hope you too have found your “Just Jess”.

      Thank you for your prayers, I hope you and your husband can continue to heal. Come back by anytime, you are never alone.

  5. Phillip says:

    Awesome blog, please keep positing. It doesn’t get more real than this blog, live after a train crash (affair)will wake you up and turn your life upside down. emotions are a bitch. Have you ever seen a train crash, the devastation the suffering the crying of people everywhere………..that is how real this is. thank you for sharing your life to the world.
    Question: My 3 year anniversary for D day is coming up and every day since then I think about the affair and the movie plays in my head, I cannot get rid of this and so desperately want to have only one day that I don’t go back into the past. When will this stop, or how do I make it stop.
    (Wife had the affair, we are working through this day by day).

    • I still have thoughts, and yes most the time daily. I just don’t let them consume me, I let go of them as quickly as they pop up. You just have to keep fighting, keep believing until you finally get through. Hugs my sweet friend.

    • Jamie says:

      I too am approaching my third anniversary since D day. I am really struggling with where I am in this process. I am so tired of the disgusting memories and sadness. I just want some peace from it all. I want to a full week of no tears! I want to feel whole again! I want to be able to have sex with my husband and not wonder if he’s thinking about that whore! I want to be able to trust my husband again! I want my life back! I want the heartache to stop! If you ever figure out how to make it all stop please let me know! Best of luck to you!

  6. annasnow says:

    You got your family through Hurricane Can-Can and you’ve rebuilt with a solid foundation. Kudos to you. So happy for you that happiness lives there again. Best thoughts to your family.

  7. native girl no fearher says:

    A failed marriage is when you divorce. You are a fighter and thats what I admire about you. When you could have walked away you chose to make your marriage work. To hell with bat shit crazy bitch. She’s doesn’t matter!
    Love ya girl.

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