Broken As Me

Question I’m most often asked?

How I found my happiness again…

Most the time I’m not asked in person, although you’d probably be surprised the number of people who have asked me.

When you write an open blog in a small town, people will ask you about it.

Does it bug me? Sometimes, yes, because I want to be normal again, to be something more than “Kelly who husband cheated blog” (actual search results for me).

Mostly though, it doesn’t because I get it, infidelity and affairs usually aren’t out in the open, they never happen to anyone we know (hold on a second while I finish laughing), and people don’t usually write about their experience.

I brought this on me, I could have pretended it wasn’t happening in public, kept it private, but that’s just not me.

So here I sit, the local Dr.Phil on affairs, got a question, pull up a chair and let’s talk.

I understand, if I’d had someone I could have seen get through it and they seemed healed, I’d have asked them how they did it.

We all want a cure, and until you sit here with us, a victim in the murder of a marriage, slashed and torn to bits, just praying something, anyone can take our pain away? You don’t get it, trust me you may want to but you don’t.

It is a death of our heart and souls, and we are expected to live through it, with a smile on our faces. Tell me of any other tragedy in our lives where we are expected to hide it?

Divorce?

You will get all kinds of help.

Lost your job?

Sympathies pour in.

Sickness?

Everyone shows up at your door.

Infidelity?

How tacky to talk about it, airing your dirty laundry?  Don’t you know we don’t talk about it? And if we do, it’s to gossip and shake our heads, all the while declaring it could never happen to us.

I think it’s why when we, the survivors,  see someone getting better, finding their way back to happy, we cheer.

Hell we have a party for them on here, because if they can make it? Maybe just, maybe we can too.

My blog is found more often by people, who type in some form of “Finding happiness after affair”.

I swear I didn’t think of that when I named my blog, it was just a random sad thought I had one day which stuck with me…

Once upon a time?

Happiness did live here, we were a happy family, and then our world fell apart.

In all the destruction and chaos which follows affairs, all we want is some form of our happiness back.

As you are reading this, I know  “Kelly could you please get to the part where you tell us how to be happy? What’s going to heal this gaping hole in our hearts? We are seriously hurting over here!!!”

Sorry, we all know I tend to run on…

Time…

How’s that for cliché?

Time is going to heal you. Nothing is going to be cured overnight or even in the first year.  It is going to take a really long time, for you to find your happy again.

Faith…

Lots and lots of faith in God, your family and yourself.

You will have to believe with every fiber of your being, that you will heal, your family will heal, and somehow? With God’s help, you can and will get through it.

Love…

At some point in your journey? You will be given the daunting task of choosing love over hate. I am not going to lie, hate is going to be tempting, and it is going to be the easier choice. You are going to have to choose to love, and leave the hate in the dark where it belongs.

Forgiveness…

I know a lot of betrayed spouses argue that forgiveness isn’t necessary. I would ask them if they are happy? If so, my hat is off to you, because you performed the amazing task of finding happiness without forgiving.

I learned to forgive.

When all of the above happens, I think it’s when we will find peace.

There were many days, where I prayed to just find peace in my heart again.

Peace, Love, and Happiness…

Is there really much else we need?

“You’re just as broken as me

Shut your mouth cause I can see through the lies
We’re only getting sicker from the secrets we hide
Disaster is our master as we lie here burning in bed
But something tells me I can not give up on you yet
I will not give up on you today

I will forgive, forget, ’cause I know that it will set me free
But all that’s left is the emptiness inside of me
You murdered my heart, broke my trust and watched me fade away
Now I see, now I see
That you’re just as broken as me

You’re just as broken as me

You always play the victim and you just can’t decide
If the vicious way we loved each other fucked up our lives
When we’re standing in the aftermath our emptiness is what’s left
And if you really loved me, will you love me till death?
I will love you until the end

I will forgive, forget, ’cause I know that it will set me free
But all that’s left is the emptiness inside of me
You murdered my heart, broke my trust and watched me fade away
Now I see, now I see
That you’re just as broken as me

Just as broken as
Just as broken as
Just as broken as
You’re just as broken as me

I’ve been a slave
You’ve been a slave
I’ve been a slave to the hatred in you – in me
I see you’re just as broken as me

I will forgive, forget, ’cause I know that it will set me free
But all that’s left is the emptiness inside of me
You murdered my heart, broke my trust and watched me fade away
Now I see, now I see
That you’re just as broken as me

You’re just as broken as me

Papa Roach-

 

 

 

 

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8 Responses to Broken As Me

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    Lovely, Kelly. I am about to firm up plans for a Masters thesis in geography on this topic. The lack of public discourse about affairs. Not quite sure how I will frame it yet. I have been ummmming and ahhhhhhhi about how to touch this topic academically – and have identified huge gaps here in the literature. As you say, the airing of the dirty laundry is a huge no-no. And even to out myself within my faculty is a source of….embarrassment (?) in even choosing to research infidelity.

    Still working through some taught papers to prepare, but thank you for validating my thoughts, that the discourse is leave or shut the fuck up 😘

    • Be brave 🙂 write that paper… I think shedding light on the subject of infidelity is so long over due. Most the time it’s portrayed in a positive light, the sweet sexy mistress saving the poor neglected man. Or it’s seen as something that doesn’t happen to nice, normal families.

      Spread the truth.

      • horsesrcumin says:

        Or, from my reading, the discourse about affairs is to do with very quantitative factors, like STI and STDIO rates. I plan on doing an emotional geography (of space and place) of infidelity. The affective spaces and how people in both rural and urban spaces in Western cultures cope. Probably a bit on the healing/venting online spaces when the emotions just have nowhere to go under those very dominant discourses of leave or suck it up, baby ☺

  2. I am one… 8 affairs in 19 years and we’ve been married now 25. Never had a marriage like we do now. People make the mistake of getting help from people who have never been there. We saw 11 counselors. Our pastor now says he had no clue how to help us he was a mediator for us. We went through a recovery process and it was taught by people who have been there. We now speak and lead couples with devasted marriages affected by this. Sexual addiction is the #1 addiction in the U.S.

  3. Phillip says:

    Hi Kelly. Me again. Awesome post. My two sent: This is a club you just don’t want to join EVER, and funny enough the non club members does not have a clue how this feels, you can not describe it, they don’t understand it. Like you said, you must face this monster daily and learn to choose love over hate EVERY day, and believe me Hate is so much easier than Love. Faith Love and Forgiveness, that is the key to getting better. Not when you feel like it, EVERY day. I would give anything for a time machine, ANYTHING. The non club members do not know how lucky they are to be able to choose love so easy every day. Have you ever been bitten by a shark, tearing of your arm and then make to go back into the water to love, forgive and choose the shark? I hate this feeling of abuse and pity, I want my life back to happiness………….PLEASE.

  4. bac4sccr says:

    Ah, unfortunately the song seems to sound like me talking to myself.

    Time can help heal but some wounds won’t ever heal especially self-inflicted. I just have to cover them to stop the bleeding and hope I can move on from one day to the next because as bad as my wound is, it is nothing compared to what I caused around me. She may eventually forgive me, actually she has, but it does nothing to lessen the damage already caused.

  5. I have to say I waited 8 months after D day. Fought to pull my husband out of the fog. Tried to tell him what was going to happen to our lives if he chose the “Cancan whore” mine was called
    “The Butanna” word meaning “whore” in Italian- all I can say is things turned out exactly like I said
    House is sold family is torn apart- holidays ruined – special events made uncomfortable. Hearts are broken and life as we knew it is dead. The Butanna still smiling with her big teeth on Facebook! While I try to grab what’s important from this earthquake and pray I can rebuild a happy life for me and my son. I’m quoting something from Beyonce’s new album-“So what are you gonna say at my funeral now that you’ve killed me? Here lies the body of the love of my life, whose heart I broke without a gun to my head. Here lies the mother of my children both living and dead, Rest in peace my true love, who I took for granted, most bomb pussy, who because of me, sleep evaded. Her shroud is loneliness, her God is listening. Her heaven would be a love without betrayal.” This says it all. Good luck to all of you who’s husbands woke up and are standing beside you. I would have fought if I knew there was something left. ❤️

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