Lost Boy

Happiness…

Is it funny, ironic? That the ONE thing we have all been searching for, when found is maybe the scariest part of healing?

We used to take happy for granted, at least I did.

Now a bunch of my kids firsts, family functions, hell holidays and celebrations are triggers. They are tied to the worst of my life and it’s like untying a six year olds shoe.

Full of tight, dirty, knots which seem endless…

I have untied the triggers, well untied them enough where I can get through the days without hiding in bed. This last year there have been minimal tears even, which is a celebration in itself.

I see happiness on the horizon, as my journey is ending.

I am leaving the depression and anger, discarded on the path behind me.

My final hill “Happiness” doesn’t look like a rainbow, covered in unicorns and sparkly sprinkles of goodness though.

Instead it’s  Mount Everest made up of can-can whores and broken promises, which I have to find my way through.

Happiness is scary.

It is really fucking scary…

Being unhappy just means the next day brings more misery, and we are used to miserable.

Being happy means to be HAPPY again, and taking a chance.

Happy is a risk.

Being happy with the one who once broke you? Who broke your heart, and if we are being blunt? He broke my soul, I will never be the same person I was.

I just won’t, some pieces can’t ever go back how they were.

But I can be happy.

I am so close I can see the thighs on Everest clapping together.

I can read every shredded broken promise.

Question is?

do I dare climb the final mountain in my long road to happiness?

When all you ever wanted was to be happy, you don’t think “What if I find it again?”

Happiness the second time around comes with the knowledge that bad shit happens….

Good people do bad things.

People who love you will hurt you.

Happiness comes with a price, a hefty price of admission.

It means stepping into the light, feeling the sun on our faces again, hearing laughter, and finding peace.

And knowing it can all disappear in an instant.

It is enough to make me crazy again.

It makes me wish I could escape to Neverland, where we can all stay young and innocent. No growing older, no being sad, no broken promises…just an island of lost people playing make-believe.

Believing in happy is like being sprinkled with pixie dust and pushed off a cliff.

You might fly.

but you might also die…

“There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too

Then one night, as I closed my eyes
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, “Peter Pan, that’s what they call me
I promise that you’ll never be lonely, ” and ever since that day

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we’re bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
“Run, run, lost boy, ” they say to me
Away from all of reality

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
Believe in him and believe in me
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green
To your beautiful destiny
As we soared above the town that never loved me
I realized I finally had a family
Soon enough we reached Neverland
Peacefully my feet hit the sand
And ever since that day

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we’re bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
“Run, run, lost boy, ” they say to me
Away from all of reality

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling
Even Captain Hook, you are my perfect story book
Neverland, I love you so
You are now my home sweet home
Forever a lost boy at last

Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling
Even Captain Hook, you are my perfect story book
Neverland, I love you so
You are now my home sweet home
Forever a lost boy at last

-Ruth B-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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10 Responses to Lost Boy

  1. savingshards says:

    Yea…happy…no. I really don’t think about happy now. I guess I’m frightened of it too. I’m not unhappy, I’m grateful (but sometimes angry). I’m content (but sometimes restless). I’m peaceful (but sometimes agitated). I’m upbeat (but sometimes depressed). I’m brave (but sometimes frightened). Not sure I can even really think of happy. And it is wearying. Sometimes.

  2. annasnow says:

    I think to be totally happy after infidelity requires amnesia. It’s impossible to get the images out of your head, no matter how beautiful the day or the fun of being with your family. Kind of like your brain being set up with two different movie screens. Honestly it’s a matter of settling for whatever gets you through the maze. As SS says, better to strive for not being unhappy…….that seems a better goal. I would be much more content if the whore that helped destroy my family had felt some of the pain we all felt, but have you ever noticed that their lives seem to go on without a missed beat?

  3. Phillip says:

    Such a brilliant song, don’t know where you get the songs but they are just awesome and a happy moment when I see a new one. Annasnow hit it on the nail there on the amnesia comment, only a time machine can bring happiness again, I am 3 years past D day (wife pushed me in front of a train) and so wish for only one day to not remembering my trains wreck( or images from it). I have googled the amnesia option to take pills to just start again, but the problem is that once you take the pills it wipes your long term memory…..ALL of it. And I am not ready to let go of all just to get the train wreck out of my head…….not yet, but maybe soon.
    Got another theory: when we start dating our prince / princesses we start by giving them the highest mark possible, they are just the best and the awesomeness of them all, we give them all “A”‘s and they only have to be themselves to keep the grade on a “A”, once you have a D-day they go back to F and must work their way back to “A”, only to realize that they can never get there, we will not allow it, that trust witch they got so easy on startup is now the holy grail. And with out allowing them a grade A we keep the happiness from ourselves, sometime there are glimpses of happiness but then we quickly do a reality check and down grade to B before they hurt us again.
    Is it weird being part of a group of strangers that knows exactly how I feel??

  4. Sometimes I feel so stuck.. and then I look you up and remember it happens after all the shenanigans it’s achievable the happiness, the forgiveness, to the being one self without the drudgery of the past weighing down..

    I love when you ask rhetorical questions if you are willing the take the risk? Because knowing your blog over the years (2) pretty much you are willing it just isn’t easy.. like a 2 step forward 1 step back.. but you are always moving forward.

    You are amazing and thank you for hope when I have none that the possibility of happiness is possible.. if that makes any sense ❤ NH

    • I think it’s all possible, it’s just not as easy as it once was. Happiness used to be so stinking easy to believe in and hang on to. Now it’s there and then it falls through my hands like the “water tube snakes?” we played with as kids. The challenge now is figuring out how to keep a grasp on it, when it’s a slippery little son of a bitch.

      Hang tight my sweet friend.

  5. This post rings so true.
    Happiness isn’t the same as it was. It’s changed. The wholeness of fidelity, and assurance of reality, and absence of painful reminders makes it easier to experience “happiness” as it once was.

    The happiness I experience now is in fits and starts. The odd times where my attention has shifted, where the thoughts of my wifes extremely poor decisions/choices/actions aren’t at the forefront of my mind.

    It’s at those moments I get a respite of sorts. A mental break from the anguish and frustration. And its in the these small hours that I experience what I know now as happiness.

    The real crux of the situation is your question – “Are you willing to take the risk?” After this situation, I have healed to this point by minimizing and removing risk. I once trusted too much – thought that people, namely my wife, was just like me – a protector of fidelity, an honorer of marriage. With that knowledge, I can’t take that risk – my wife has to take that risk.

    She has to risk putting herself out there with no guarantee that I will stay, with zero security. She assumes all the risk, I sit on the side of reward. It’s a small price to pay for someone who has damaged so much.

    Thank you for this post. I hope you successfully climb that mountain, that you have enough to pay that price of admission for happiness after knowing that “bad shit happens”.

    • Jamie says:

      Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that you are in this position. You are right. I find small moments of peace and happiness when I allow myself to be distracted. Everything has changed and I have to be willing to take the risk. It’s a very scary place for me. I am three thousand miles away from my home and my support system. I don’t trust my husband and I am more alone that I thought possible. However, I have four amazing girls who need me to be the best that I can be. They are my motivation. I can do this. Best of luck to you!

  6. Jamie says:

    I have followed your blog for the past two and a half years. Reading and re reading trying to get my self thru this nightmare. My husband chose to move our family three thousand miles away and then drop his infedelity bomb. I am stuck in the whore’s part of the country trying to get myself and my children thru this mess. I haven’t ever felt so sad and alone in my entire life.
    Your blog has helped me more than words could ever express. Thank you for sharing it. I have a couple questions for you. Do the memories ever go away? Do the triggers ever go away? I still find myself remembering things and wondering if I will ever be enough. I desperately want to move on and learn to trust my husband again but I am beginning to wonder if maybe I am just not capable of forgiveness. My heart still hurts. I still cry and mourn the loss of who I was and what my marriage was before. I have good days and even good weeks but I haven’t gotten to a good month. I want a good month. I want to not be reminded of this or hurt by it anymore.

    • I don’t know? How’s that for an answer…sorry but I’m just being honest.

      Do I remember? Every single day.

      Do I still have triggers? Every single day.

      Do I forgive him? Yes, but some days I have to remind myself that I have forgiven him. And some days it’s so very hard to walk the road of forgiveness and be the person I want my kids to see.

      To do it alone? I don’t know if I could. Do others know about it? Has he changed? Has he worked hard every minute of every day to become a better man? Do your children know?

      I am glad you’ve found comfort here, but I wish you’d never had a reason to find me.

      Hang in there, some days are better than others.

      • Jamie says:

        Thank you for your honesty! Sadly my children know. They over heard things and put it all together. It’s one of my biggest regrets. I have four daughters and now they each struggle with trusting their dad. I try each day to tell myself to be the best that I can for them. I am trying to show them how we can get thru this together. I just feel like I should have made more progress by now! I am struggling to like the person that I am now. I feel like I don’t even know who I am when I look in the mirror.

        I have no one here. I struggle making friends because I am not ever going to trust so easily again. I feel that I am such a train wreck I can’t imagine someone wanting to befriend me right now!

        My husband has made changes but I am still not convinced that he is trustworthy. He refuses to move back to our home town. He just thinks I should get over it and move on. He said he was sorry and admits he made a mistake. End of story.

        I am just exhausted and wish I could turn back time

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