Crossroads

I was asked a question last night…

“How did you survive it all? The rough time in you marriage and stay married..”

It wasn’t a judging me question.

Or a nosey question.

It was a “hey I need some advice and I know you’ve been down some pretty rough roads in your marriage” question.

As I listened to her story, I realized it was very similar to mine.

Different characters.

Warmer setting.

Not the exact same plot.

No cheating or whores.

But lots of stress, lack of communication and anger…don’t all marriage stories have a similar chapter?

Hers even began, eerily like mine…

Two Years ago…

I listened to her story, and found myself nodding my head as it unfolded.

Life you see, takes us all down certain roads, roads that often end in cross roads.

Did you know crossroads often have demons waiting there?

“Crossroads demons are entities that make formal agreements or bargains with humans, granting any wish in exchange for claiming their life and soul at a fixed point in the future. Deals made with humans are sealed with a kiss, and contracts are written invisibly on the skin of the person. They tend to have red eyes.” -Supernatural-

They also sometimes dress as Can Can whores and live in Valdez…just Β in case you ever travel to Alaska.

Either way crossroads in life are scary and dark places.

Chose the road to the left and the roads get rough and it’s storming but after trudging through the mud and the muck, you might find a rainbow.

Make a deal with the demon? The one standing in front of the sunshine and butterfly filled road? You are promised nothing but fun and good times πŸ™‚ and it is…so much FUN…that you almost don’t notice as the air gets thicker, hotter and smells of sulfur…by the time you step out of the ‘fun fog’ you are in Hell.

My point being, you can’t be afraid to go through rough patches in life or marriage.

Without the bad, we don’t appreciate the good as much.

Cloudy days make you stop and notice the sun on your face.

One of my favorite scenes in a movie?

The grandma in Parenthood explaining life to Gil…

“[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.”

Life isn’t about avoiding anything scary.

It isn’t about choices made when times are good.

It isn’t about always taking the safe well lit path.

I would rather ride the roller coaster πŸ™‚

And see the rainbow after the rain.

And that’s how you survive my sweet friend, in life and marriage.

With the knowledge that not storms or bad times last forever.

“All you folks think you own my life

But you never made any sacrifice
Demons they are on my trail
I’m standing at the crossroads of the hell
I look to the left I look to the right
There’re hands that grab me on every side

All you folks think I got my price
At which I’ll sell all that is mine
You think money rules when all else fails
Go sell your soul and keep your shell
I’m trying to protect what I keep inside
All the reasons why I live my life

Some say the devil be a mystical thing
I say the devil he a walking man
He a fool he a liar conjurer and a thief
He try to tell you what you want
Try to tell you what you need

Standing at the point
The road it cross you down
What is at your back
Which way do you turn
Who will come to find you first
Your devils or your gods

All you folks think you run my life
Say I should be willing to comprimise
I say all you demons go back to hell
I’ll save my soul save myself

Tracy Chapman-

 

 

 

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5 Responses to Crossroads

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    This is pretty great, Kelly. And I think it also answers “how did YOU survive” not just how did you stay married, or how did the marriage survive. I think that is one of the things so many of us, still together, or apart, have realised. That this is a great test. A FAR bigger test than even we anticipated it might be. And we survived. We grew. We are more than we once were. And sometimes less. But life chucks some pretty stinky shit at times, but it is possible to use that shit to grow. Still wish it hadn’t happened to any of us, I know it has depleted me in ways I never imagined it could, after all, I was (am still, but changed) one hella strong bitch! But I am here. It was a close call for a long time whether I would be. Thanks for standing strong, thanks for posting about your journey, and your philosophical way of dealing with this xxx

    • Standing strong or barely crawling along πŸ™‚ I think it just matters that we either grow or move out of the shit flung at us.

      No person goes through the trauma we went through and comes out the same. I’m not, and there are actually parts of the new me that I like better. I am a person who fears less, because I have done hard and lived through it…

      Hugs my sweet friend, How is college life treating you?

      • horsesrcumin says:

        I don’t really think there are parts of the ‘new me’ that I like better. That sounds really arrogant! I always knew I was an empathetic, caring, vulnerable person, and I like to think I was aware and kind most of the time. I think I fear more. I think that I was somewhat (naively) cocooned from fear before. I say this because I was always aware of cheating. I was always aware is happens to and by ‘good people’ as well as those who may not be so ‘good’. I fear that I may not survive the next blow that life deals me. For the other ones, the other REALLY difficult moments I had experienced – some of which are discursively understood as FAR worse than relationship betrayal – I always knew I would survive, and thrive. This one damn near beat me. Of course I am changed. Of course I was already changing in the life I used to lead. I am not happier, or more at peace with me. So, yeah, it’s still tough. But I am doing somewhat better. I think when I finally had to change my thinking (I knew I had to for a long time before I could actually do it) to accept that my life will never be what it was, that I can’t have what I craved, that I will ALWAYS feel sad and betrayed by the man I adored, that is when I finally shifted off the latest shelf. I was chasing happiness and peace so damn hard! And they kept scooting off, further out of reach. So. I stopped. I sat with this. And I accept that my life is ‘less’ in so many ways now. Yes, there are good things. Yes, I am riding the roller coaster with a big “MEH” attitude much more now.

        Uni is … challenging! I think that it is supposed to be ;-)! I have my thesis topic pretty sorted now, it has been a month of changing it up, and a bit scary and bewildering. Working on my ethics application now, hoping to have it ready for the ethics committee by the end of the month – should do. The topic is a sensitive one, and I am reading as much as I can to try to get a good angle on how to approach it before diving in head first! I have my first draft completed, and the first changes were suggested at my latest supervision meeting. My biggest fear now is not that I won’t cope – either emotionally or academically – but that I will struggle to find willing research participants in the geographical location I am supposed to be bounding this study to. I just posted about it – my blogging has changed, and understandably become more erratic, and less naval gazing about my own affair experience? (I hope so, anyway. I think I am heading out of the harbour again. It took a lot longer for repairs than I budgeted on!!!)

  2. horsesrcumin says:

    Oh shit. I meant to say that the ‘cocooning’ was about the discussions we had over the years about cheating. I honestly thought he was on the same page as me. That if he was ever seriously tempted, he would talk to me, or leave me – before an affair. That is what we discussed so many times. That was what I expected. I never expected him to be the kind of guy that could live a deliberately deceitful life well, or that he would pretend he was faithful and loving to me for fifteen months, while sneaking around with a diseased scumbag. I guess I thought I had put up some kind of fairly decent barrier to cheating happening to us – I did know it wasn’t impermeable, but I had a lot of faith in it. Silly me!

  3. Phillip says:

    Hi Kelly, so nice post again, that is so real, and also so true. Life does go on and the ride never stops, maybe we fell out(pushed out) of the roller coaster but got back in again, and now the ride is very different than before. I sometimes hate the new me, and then sometimes I accept that life has forced me into a new direction, and I can never go back.
    My wife has made a deal with a daemon and it feels that I am paying the price for it.
    Please keep posting, always a better day when I read your post.

    horsesrcumin : so nice comment and very brave to do your thesis on this topic, would love to read it. I also had so many talks with my wife on affairs and how we would honor one another and do the right thing before it could ever happen……….and then she came to a cross road with a clever daemon. 3 years past D day and fighting on. You go Girl

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