Rose Garden

My knockout roses have died…

If you remember, I once talked about having dozens of them surrounding my house.

26 Knockout Roses to be exact.

Pink, Hot Pink, Coral, Yellow and regular, mini, and drift roses.

They got a disease and slowly started dying.

They had these nasty twisted stems.

They fell over and bent.

Even the blooms and the leaves changed.

My sweet friend went to the nursery in town and asked how to save them.

“Pull them up and burn them..” she was told.

And to not plant another rose bush in the hole for at least two years.

TWO YEARS?!?

I went outside and finally started cutting them back.

At first I was heartbroken…I love my roses.

I thought about how much time I spent, digging holes, watering, weeding and fertilizing them.

Some of them were 8 years old.

They were my pride and joy.

As I stood there cutting them down, it hit me.

My roses are like my marriage.

It became diseased.

Ugly.

Twisted.

Finally I had to step back and decide to tear parts of it up.

His Job.

Several Friendships.

Life as we both knew it.

We cut back, tried keeping parts we thought were healthy, might just make it…but in the end, most were ‘burned’.

When we started over?

We didn’t look for the same things.

He’s no longer gone chasing money, and prestiage.

We have a whole new circle of friends. 

I have a job outside of our home.

We changed our communication within our marriage…I no longer bite my tongue, he listens even when I don’t physically talk, and we talk about the hard stuff.

My/our hope?

That someday when I decide to start over, replant the last pieces of our marriage. 

My full trust.

The last guarded pieces of my heart.

Loving him completely.

I think if done too quickly, the disease would have came back in other forms. 

Someday I’ll get my rose garden back.

I will appreciate them more then.

I will be aware that even the ‘disease resistant’ knockout rOses are vulnerable. 

Next time I’ll know the signs.

And at the first bent stem, diseases leaf?

I will take action to protect my garden. 

In the meantime, I’m looking at Butterfly bushes, maybe a few Lilacs, to fill the void left behind. 

It won’t be the same…but change my sweet friends can be healing. 

“I beg your pardon

I never promised you a rose garden

Along with the sunshine

There’s gotta be a little rain some time

When you take you gotta give so live and let live

Or let go oh-whoa-whoa-whoa

I beg your pardon

I never promised you a rose garden

I could promise you things like big diamond rings

But you don’t find roses growin’ on stalks of clover

So you better think it over

Well if sweet-talkin’ you could make it come true

I would give you the world right now on a silver platter

But what would it matter

So smile for a while and let’s be jolly

Love shouldn’t be so melancholy

Come along and share the good times while we can”

-Lynn Anderson-

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7 Responses to Rose Garden

  1. pabloswife says:

    What a wonderful post! Love the analogy. Hope you’re doing well my sweet friend. I’m sure you’ll love your new garden xx

  2. Deservesbetter says:

    Lovely. For me I am still picking thru the dead stuff and sometimes I get jabbed by a thorn and think this is going to hurt fo a very long time.

  3. Beautiful and bittersweet.. whenever I read your blogs I think maybe? Maybe that could be me.. maybe starting over isn’t so bad.. maybe I could love him again.. maybe..

  4. Wants A Do Over says:

    I spent the morning reading your blog, and I am at peace and oddly devastated all at one.

    I am eight months post D-Day. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that life and my view of it has fundamentally shifted. My marriage–happy, I thought–will never be what it was. Worse, it will never be what it could have been.

    I am more cynical now. I laugh at the newly married, at those plotting their future oblivious to the landmines that lay ahead.

    I now live in a world where those who should love us the most think nothing of gutting us.

    I now live in a world where getting your ego stroked on a daily basis is more important than the stability of a 33-year marriage and the love of a faithful companion.

    Kelly, your words, your experiences, could be mine. I want so badly for us, for all of us, to be okay, but what does okay look like now? I guess I’ll let you know.

  5. Stephanie says:

    I am sorry for what you are going thru. 10 yrs into our marriage my husband had an emotional & semi physical affair with a coworker. I decided to stay and forgive him. We both never did the real work to fix the problem . It was swept under the rug . Mostly by my husband . Like you, i thought i know the signs of an affair but 9 yrs later he had a full blown love affair with a much younger married co worker and i saw some signs but i wasnt convinced. One reason was vecause he had honed his cheating skills . He knew what he did wrong last time. Second reason was, i didnt think he would ever go down that road again. I swore if he ever cheated on me again i would leave. I came close , i got an attorney and he moved out but he had also ended his affair and quit his job . He was serious about fixing what he had done ! We went seperately to a lot of therapy and he has helped me tremendously to get through this . He gas taken responsibility for his behavior and doesnt bkame me at all. Its been a year since D day and we have a lot made progress & have a better marriage than ever in many ways . I still have set backs and triggers but i forgive myself and try to move forward. I dont know if i will ever completely blindly trust him again but maybe oneday its still ealy in our recovery.
    I hope this helps you .

  6. Phoenix says:

    Hi Kelly!

    You don’t know me, but I’ve tagged along on your incredible journey. Ever since my own D-day…July 19, 2014, where upon I scoured Google for anything and everything that would help me make sense of the rollercoaster onto which I’d been thrown. “How to survive an affair; Do I leave or stay; Why the hell do I want to be intimate with the a$$hole that cheated on me…” What I wouldn’t give to go back and see my Google search history! *Insert timid laugh amongst the tears here.* Of course, I came across your blog, and its title struck a chord in me. So I read. And read. And read. I cried with sad Kelly, raged with angry Kelly, and I’m still riding the crazy train, though I think crazy Kelly managed to hop off of this God-forsaken ride. (YAY!!!) I was so sad, and afraid, when the posts began to taper off… HOW was I going to survive the days, weeks, months!?! without Kelly?? There have been so many times that I’ve wanted to thank you for sharing your story…I’m sure by now you’ve gotten at least some idea of how many of us you’ve helped along the way. There are so many more of us, just quietly lurking in the corner trying to piece our lives and our hearts back together, afraid to talk, not knowing what to say. In any case, I’ve moved forward and we’ve made progress. Not as much as I would like; I don’t think I’ll ever get to a point where I’d *like* to be. I’m more than 3 years post D-day. More than 3 years since my dreams, my life, my entire world, was shattered. In ways I could not even conceive. My innocence was stolen, my naivety preyed upon…by the ONE person in the world who I trusted with such valuable things. The lie of “Happily Ever After” became oh-so-apparent. I still struggle Every. Single. Day. Some – most – days are better than others. Then, there are days like today. The worst. The days when my heart implodes all over again. But, those days are getting futher and further apart. Want to know how I know? Because when the days are the worst, I default to your blog. And I scroll back until I find the last post that I read. This time? I made it almost a year. The last post I read (until today) was your Enchilada recipe post. Almost a year since I couldn’t make it on my own. Almost a year until I had to search out my secret support. Your blog has provided me with hope…even through a time when I deemed hope and happiness my mortal enemies. You are living proof that I WILL survive. That better days are ahead. That my family WILL survive. I can never thank you enough for that. For being a beautiful light in times of utter darkness and despair. For being real and laying it all out so that the rest of us knew that we were NOT crazy (at least not in the traditional sense). Thank you for being brave, for sharing your life, and for allowing us to heal with you.

    All my love,

    Phoenix

    • Now you’ve made me cry 🙂 as I sit in my kitchen with my youngest son. He’s making an anniversary gift for his sweet girlfriend, and I’m drinking my afternoon cup of coffee. I just came from Lou’s basketball practice, my middle son and I are coaching. There are puppies running around and extra kids running around. My house is full of laughter, sarcasm and a very comfortable kind of crazy….because where ever I am crazy Kelly is here, just a milder and kinder version.

      I’m sorry I don’t write often, with healing came a new time consuming life.

      And some heartbreak along the way. Believe it or not, my heartbreak helped me be there for a friend going through, the worst heartbreak you could ever imagine.

      Her heartbreak made me realize I was strong again. And while I will always have a scar, it’s healed.

      I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. I still have them too. But I’ve learned to deal and overcome. To recognize they are coming and prepare. And to declare I’m having a bad day, in a loud voice, to my husband. And we cope and go on…sometimes yelling along the way, but together.

      Because healing just like my marriage doesn’t end in a Happily Ever After…and that’s okay. Fairy tales have never been high on my list. I’ve always liked scary movies where people survive, and fight to get their life back:)

      Hugs to you my sweet friend…you’ve got this.

      Kelly

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