Wow it’s been awhile…

i still write.

I just don’t push post.

I think maybe I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t need an audience for my thoughts.

It is nice though.

Knowing if I need friends and voices other than the ones still here in my head? You are all still here.

Waiting and reading.

Some of you old friends.

A few of you new.

A thousand views last week on this old blog.

Makes me wonder who stumbled across it.

What sadness and anger consumed them as they typed in a search word and up popped my words.

I remember my frenzied reading days of D-Day.

Five years ago last week? That was me…

Crying and desperate for help.

For anyone and anything that could help explain the pain.

This year it wasn’t mentioned, the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life.

Except in a brief text, from a young friend.

She remembers everything, she’s our families walking talking planner.

I didn’t respond.

I think because response meant peeking under my scar, rubbing it? Acknowledging it? Seeing if it was still there?

It was.

But it wasn’t as ugly as I remember.

I do remember.

Still every single day.

I still cringe when people mention people cheating.

Or when they make a joke about it.

Most the time I just awkwardly nod my head or smile, hoping they don’t notice my first reaction.

The brief moment I go back, and I’m there reliving it all.

Alice in the rabbit hole that is infidelity.

I don’t know if that will ever go away.

What does five years out look like?

My family is still here.

They are all older.

Lou turns eight.

My oldest is out of college.

My middle one back from Texas.

And the baby boy off to college.

We laugh.

We yell.

We cuss and fight.

We are happy.

And healthy.

And have almost found, the happiness that used to live here.

Thanks for still being here my sweet friends.




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13 Responses to Hello

  1. Deservesbetter says:

    Well I can remember finding your site. Thinking there can’t be anyone out there feeling like I do, boy was I wrong. Reading your blog helped me to heal. There were times I cried so hard I couldn’t breath and there were times I laughed out loud. Nearly 3 years later this has been a journey I never wanted to be on. I still take it one day at a time. So thank you for posting when you do.

  2. Thanks for the update. I’m past due for posting one, but soon…glad to hear you’re doing better!

  3. T says:

    I too remember finding your site – your words of wisdom – so to say. Someone who was a little further in the infidelity b.s. than I was. Someone who didnt make me feel oh so crazy for feeling and thinking the way I was. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts over the years! …and once again…I feel you! .. ” And have almost found, the happiness that used to live here.” … I get exactly what you are saying… 🙂

    • Wisdom 🙂

      I call them rantings of a crazy woman.

      But man I miss Crazy Kelly.

      Sad Kelly not so much.

      I am happy.

      And I think it answers a question we all had.

      Yes we can be happy again.

      Yes we can save our families.

      Although it takes a long time with the windows wide open to get the lingering smell of whore out.

      Hugs my sweet friend.

      • horsesrcumin says:

        Yesssss! Exactly. I took me 8 years. And two degrees, lol. But I got there. Unfortunately, my partner in crime dropped out of the race and had another affair. At three weeks before I knew I was healed and my joy had returned. I didn’t know for another fortnight. But he was out. Couldn’t stay the distance. It is somewhat of a tragedy, but I know I can be happy. And that was doubted for about two of those eight years.

        So pleased to hear your positive outcome and that Fierce Kelly won. Crazy Kelly helped her, I know that if you don’t get a little crazy you stay stuck xxx.

      • Yes you can be happy 🙂 It’s out there for you, and I can’t wait to hear what yours looks like 🙂

        Fierce Kelly? Hmm, I had never thought of her being here? But yes I think I have a new Kelly, and I kind of like her.

        Crazy Kelly will always be here, she’s just a little less angry and a lot more fun.

        Hugs my sweet friend.

  4. pabloswife says:

    Hello you! Glad you are still here, still doing well, and so pleased you’ve almost found that happiness that you used to have. XX

    • Aww, my sweet friend how I miss you. I am so happy though that we don’t meet here daily anymore. I hope you are happy 🙂 and your family is too. Hugs my sweet old friend

      • pabloswife says:

        Hiya… I’m doing fine, glad you are too. I keep meaning to log on, have a good old catch up and maybe a post about how I’m doing these days but I never seem to find the time nor the inclination! Those were crazy days and nights weren’t they?? You and a few others on here were lifelines for me, and I’m not sure I’d have gotten thru my own personal hell without each and every one of you! We are fucking awesome!! xx

  5. whorehater says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey! I am happy to hear that you are finding your new happinesss. I have read and continue to reread your posts for almost four years now. I am incredibly greatful to you for sharing your story.
    Your blog saved me.

    • I hope you are finding your new happy too 🙂 my sweet friend.

      And while I wish I could take credit, I didn’t save you 🙂

      You saved your own damn self 🙂

      You did it.

      And I am so proud of you.

  6. kaye72978 says:

    I recently sent a link for your site to a friend. I felt like reading your words that knew exactly what I was feeling helped anchor me. Helped normalize the insanity that was my existence at the time. I wasn’t okay, and you helped me realize that was okay. I will always remember that. I’m so glad 5 years is a good place for you!

    • I have gotten a lot of hate over the years for writing this blog 🙂 there were times I found myself questioning if I should or could continue. Small town living isn’t always easy when you put your dirty laundry out on the line. I have been called out and called a lot of names.

      I struggle.

      Then you all tell me I helped you.

      And I would share my journey and my imperfect life all over again.

      Thank you for paying it forward. Helping one of our friends lost in the dark.

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