Walk On

I once read a book about a woman who claimed,  her husbands affair was the best thing that happened to her.

I’ve talked about it before.

Total rubbish in most regards, but I read it because finding anything about coming out of the betrayal of an affair still whole, was hard to come by.

It must still be six years later because I have way too many weekly readers.

I know we don’t see it on TV or the movies, only one that comes to mind is the Julia Roberts one.

She poisons her husband (just a little) and goes slightly crazy.

I adore that movie, it makes my husband a little paranoid as I sit giggling and cheering.

I’m sure there are self help books out there, just for surviving a broken heart.

I only read the one, then threw it in the trash.

And found my own way of healing.

I am to that point in my healing where I’m finding me.

I spent twenty years as a stay at home mom.

My world revolved around my kids, my husband and their wants and needs.

I ran from games and class parties then back to check cattle and deliver pigs.

Because it was what they loved, so I did it.

For twenty years.

After my world fell apart, I struggled to find my way back.

To juggle my days and find the perfection I tried to maintain, as a mom and wife.

Then one day I woke up and realized I couldn’t give two shits if Lou’s class party treats were homemade.

Or if the cookie jar was full of little Debbie cakes instead of fresh cookies.

My kids could hear it’s Ramen or cereal for supper and survive.

My husband and father in law would live without my daily help on the farm.

“I’ve retired,” I announced after they both stopped the weekly/daily travel with work.

I’ve watched as my now grown boys have stepped up and into the shoes I discarded.

They’ve reluctantly started splitting the chores that used to consume my life.

And what of my old life?

When I was finally well enough to reclaim it?

When the exhausting voices stopped, and the crippling depression lifted.

A funny thing happened.

I said “No thank you.”

I walked into the light, my old life, and said , “No thanks Bob.”

”You don’t want your old life back, Kelly?” Bob my inner physiatrist asked.

”Nope,” I shook my head, “ I think I’ll leave most of it there.” I point behind me where Sad Kelly, Angry Kelly, and Totally Crazy Kelly stand together over a hole, with shovels and a bag.

“What’s in the bag Kelly?” Bob asks slightly alarmed.

“My anger, and grief, “ I smile at Bob,” memories I don’t want anymore. Not to worry, Bob I didn’t kill anyone.”

”And your old life Kelly, you’re just throwing it away?” Bob looks over my shoulder,  as a tuft of bright colored Can Can costume wiggles out of the top of the bag.

Angry Kelly shoves it back in, as Crazy Kelly casually smacks it with her shovel and Sad Kelly smiles and kicks the squirming bag.

A whiney gasp is heard from inside.

”No, I’m keeping my family, and some old friends. I’m taking the parts of me I still love. “ I walk slowly back to the circle of Kelly’s, and together we push the heavy bag into the hole.

”But all the pieces of everyone else’s lives? Their needs and wants that I always placed before my own? The person who made her life about everyone else? Who cares how everyone saw her? That part of my life can stay here, I’m going to find what makes me happy. “ I look around at the Kelly’s and take their hands.

Bob walks forward and softly takes my free hand.

“I have learned in this journey, that I’m more than a wife. As much as I love my kids, I’m more than a mom. And Bob, I’m more than my husbands mistakes, and a once broken family. I’ve only started figuring out what I am.”

We slowly drop hands and pick up our shovels. The bag stops wiggling as we cover it with dirt.

Crazy Kelly smiles and starts packing the dirt down with a  dance 💃 full of leg kicks.

We all collapse in a pile of hugs and giggles.

Bob reaches down shaking his head and helps us up.

He brushes us off one by one.

And stands over the silent now filled in hole, watching as the Kelly’s walk off into the sunset holding hands, laughing.

Bob smiles, looks at the dirt one more time, and as I look back in amazement he shrugs his shoulder and spits on the ground.

“I’ve always wanted to do that,” he confesses softly with a wink, as he walks off by himself.

It wasn’t fun.

It sure as Hell wasn’t pretty.

But when it was done, my sweet friends, I found myself.

A new job.

New hobbies.

New friends.

A new, maybe not better, but just as good Kelly.

And you can too.

The other day I was told I should start a blog, for my photography I’ve began.

I replied I might try that.

The whole blogging thing.

One with pictures.

Maybe song lyrics to go with the post.

Maybe a recipe or two.

Who knows what the future holds?

Now that parts of the past have been laid to rest.

  • It’s almost exciting to see what I become in this next chapter.

“And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can’t leave behind…

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it’s a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Oh, oh
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can’t steal it
No, they can’t even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You’re packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed, to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly, for freedom” -U2

Read more: U2 – Walk On Lyrics | MetroLyrics “


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5 Responses to Walk On

  1. Preach! Congrats!! ❤️

  2. I’ve been hoping for a new post! Love it! Thank you for all the support and I’m so excited about the photography!! So cool!!

  3. cax60 says:

    The title of that book filled with horror and fury! However , your words fill me with hope that I won’t be angry Kate or sad and lonely Kate or- only a little less than at the beginning- crazy Kate for ever. Unfortunately not yet a while. Thanks for your words.

    Kate xx

  4. cax60 says:

    I’ve been reading ( again ) some of your earlier posts. On June 2017 You said in reply to a comment that healing doesn’t really end and that there will always be a scar and always be ” bad” days though they may be few and far between as time goes on and the work to heal continues. I am 3 years out from D day and I think I have been hoping I would entirely heal. Your words have helped me to take in ( and hopefully accept) that healing doesn’t mean there will be no sign of the pain ever again but that that is ” normal”- my new normal! I have been railing against accepting this but I think I must now so crazy Kate can simmer down!
    Thank you Kelly.

    Kate xx

  5. Mary Bolling says:

    I’m 18 months out from DDay and still each day is painful. I have always been a researcher/fixer and with his true remorse we began marriage counseling after that first hellish month. We still go every 2 weeks. His first whore was my estranged half sister who’s intention was to ruin my life. After years of admitted jealousy, she thought she had found the ultimate tool of destruction. His second? My best friend since the age of 7. She even left her husband thinking he would follow, but he didn’t. The affairs overlapped several months. I found out about both 3 weeks apart. The truly funny thing about this is that my “friend” was upset that he cheated on her! Really! You can’t make this crap up. It’s a long story, but we are working every day to improve our marriage. We still love each other, but this has been sooooo hard. There is very little support for those that choose to stay. Thank you for your humor through the tears. You’ve brought some much needed light and hope into my life with your story.

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