Hard Times

If you have ever used the words “Ewwy Nasty” and know about “Sparkling Lip Gloss” ?

I am sorry…really I am, but her story gets to be told…otherwise, well it’s not my whole story, because she is a part of my life, and there was a time she was attached to my hip. My whole life revolved around my kids, a funny secret? When I was 18 I never wanted kids, I liked kids but was glad I got to send them home. I had dreams, and things I wanted to do. I wanted to live, LIVE LARGE, and kids weren’t in the picture. Then I fell in love, got engaged and found myself pregnant (yes, in that order) and I had a choice, we all have a choice, but I found myself in love with someone I had never laid eyes on. Don’t believe in “Love at first sight”? Me either, till I became pregnant, and I fell head over heels in love with someone I had never met.

I would do it all again…give up everything I could have been, I might have become, to be my kids mom. As soon as I held him in my arms, I knew nothing else mattered except being his mom. I also found out I love kids, kids are good, even the “bad” ones are good, they just need someone to care, to save them, to tell them they matter.

Laney was wanted, and loved. She was my new obsession, and my whole world spun on her axis. Now don’t get me wrong…I still was a good mom, a great mom to my boys, because I had promised myself and them. That new baby wasn’t going to change their lives, and she didn’t. Supper was still on the table, I still helped with their homework, and I made it to all their stuff, I just did it with a baby on my hip. I had a girl, three boys and finally a girl. I had waited for 15 years for her, had given up on her, I stopped even going in the girl aisle to dream about her.

Then I had her, and man did I love her. Laney didn’t have clothes…she had outfits…head to toe outfits. My boys got so tired of being asked “Does this bow go with these shoes better?” and “Does this outfit say…Hey I’m fashionable but I still can work cows?” I wish I was joking but I’m not, I would take an hour to get her ready. I might have spit-up on me, and I stopped curling my hair (it became blow and go) but Laney was dressed to a T. Every single first documented on Facebook, and in calls to my friends and sister…my kids were my life, but Laney became the air I breathed.

What I’m trying to say? There wasn’t a little girl in the whole stinking world who was wanted or loved more, guarantee on that, couldn’t be because anymore love and she would have exploded from it. From sun up to sun down, every need was met, every wish fulfilled…she was a very spoiled, very demanding girl…but so cute and full of giggles you couldn’t resist her. Then her life as she knew it was gone.

The mom who sang to her at bath time, rocked her to sleep, kissed her cheeks? She was there, and then in the blink of an eye (or the time it took to mail a letter) she was gone. I wonder what she thought? How the heck she processed what was going on in her mind? She went from a laughing, loving family, to one full of tears and screams. She went from a world of flowers, rainbows and puppies to a dark, lonely place…a scary place where momma’s cries woke her up, and momma’s screams at daddy on the phone put her to sleep.

In my defense I tried to hide from her, but she would find me…In the closet, in the bathroom, on the porch…she would find me and refuse to leave. It’s no excuse, but I did try to hide, to cry quietly, to keep it under control. I didn’t though, I couldn’t and its my cross to bear, my burden I will carry till the day I die. I didn’t protect my daughter from the dark and crazy place my world became. I didn’t know how much it affected her, she was only two. How much can a two-year old understand?

I didn’t know until the day I picked her dad up from the airport, she was left with her Grandma, I knew it was a “homecoming” she didn’t need to witness. She stayed with them until my youngest’s basketball game that evening, then when she seen her dad for the first time since “watching Momma cry”. She wouldn’t have anything to do with him. She loved her Daddy but for two weeks she listened to me cry on the phone when he would call, so when he reached out his arms to her she wouldn’t go. Laney talked to my middle son who sat beside him at the game, then came back down to where her grandparents and I sat.

She fussed on the way home because my middle son rode home with her dad, and when he came into the house to see if my youngest son would talk to him she went crazy. They left the house to take a drive and talk, and Lou followed me around the house, crying for my youngest son. I was cleaning and doing laundry, it’s what I do when I’m anxious or pissed, I was both so my feet were flying from one room to another. The voices in my head were so loud I couldn’t hear her words, I just knew she wanted my son back. Finally I stopped, and bent down to her…

He’s with Daddy right now, he will be back in a minute, now STOP…”

With tears streaming down her face, she finally found the words she had struggled with all night “I don’t love Daddy, he needs to go back to work”

I stood there in shock, then picked her up and carried her to a chair, to hold her

“Well Daddy loves you, and he’s gonna come see you..” I whispered to her as I rocked her against my chest.

“NOOOO!!!” she screamed “I don’t love daddy, he makes momma cry!!”

I could not get her to calm down, and as much as it killed me, I handed her off to my middle son, slipped on my shoes, and walked out to the car where my husband sat talking to my youngest son. I tapped on the window and waited for him to roll it down, then without waiting for him to speak I quickly informed him

“When you are done, you need to come in and see Laney…” then I turned and walked back inside.

He came in a little bit later, and I brought her into the kitchen to see him. At first she wouldn’t let him touch her or talk to her, she just sat on my lap, not looking at him. There we sat…the two people who had wanted her more than anything, that loved her more than everything…looking at each other, not talking. Me so full of hurt and anger, and him with the guilt and remorse he had earned through his selfish choices, but it didn’t matter who was right or wrong, we had broken her. Finally she was coaxed from my lap, and answered his questions, of what I don’t remember, but her next words I will never forget

“Does you love momma?” she asked her Daddy?

“Yes”, he replied looking over at me…I snorted and rolled my eyes at him…Laney turned then and looked at me

“Does you love Daddy?” she asked.

I just sat there, stubborn and unwilling to answer.

“Momma loves Laney..” I finally answered.

Lou is my child though, and is stubborn,

“But, does you’s love Daddy?” she questioned me again.

My husband sat at the table, looking at me, and unwilling to help me, repeated her question “Do you love Daddy?”

Laney had drifted over to his chair and was leaning on his knee as he stroked her hair. I hated him then, for not helping me, for making me say it.

“Yes, Lou.” I said with a grimace, ” Momma loves Daddy..”

She smiled a sad smile then and asked my husband “Why’s you make momma cry?”

It’s been a year now, and Laney has seen us fight, seen us cry, and seen more hurt than anyone should in a lifetime. It made her afraid to leave my sight, and refused to stay with anyone, not her brothers, or her grandparents. She became whiny, and cried at everything and anything.

She has asked her “teenage friends” hard questions like “Do you love your Daddy?” “Do your momma and daddy fight?” and has been known to meet them at the door to inform them “Momma cries today”.

One morning last month I had a cold and she came in to me sniffling and wanted to know “Why’s you sad”

I smiled at her and told her ‘Momma’s just sick, Lou” and she climbed on my lap and felt my cheeks for tears.

“You’s not crying?” she asked surprised.

I don’t know what issues I have given her…the effect of having a zombie for a mom, who was prone to bouts of crying and sometimes screaming. I know the affair wasn’t my fault, and I know the depression which followed was caused by the affair. Somehow though it doesn’t make me feel any less to blame for the hurt caused to Laney. I hate my husband and “the whore” for what they did to me and my family…but I hate myself more for not protecting my daughter.

Someday she is gonna know about the affair, it’s a small town and someone will tell her, we will tell her first. My husband carries the knowledge of having to answer her questions and break her heart again with him everyday. I wish what had been done, could be undone, or time paused to make the day never come. I will be there again, sitting at my kitchen table, ready to hold my daughter as her world crumbles again.

This time I will be strong enough for the both of us…

“When I was young my daddy said, Son
Never be ashamed of where your from
There’s nothin wrong with your last name
So don’t be lookin for people to blame

Cause hard times they come and they go
And most of the time they’re in the middle of your road
It’s the same pain, different way
Don’t your know when it pours it rains

And it’ll always be around
Followin you from town to town
But you can get up when it puts you down
Cause everybody’s got ’em if you look around

Hard times
-Ryan Bingham-

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One Response to Hard Times

  1. brokenjoan says:

    My heart broke for your little daughter when I read this. No one in a family is untouched by an affair. How sad that our husbands, the father of our children, could deliberately hurt them this
    way. Not being a man, I could never take the chance of losing my family & hurting them over a
    roll in the hay, it’s just not worth it. If it helps any I think she will handle it better as she gets older,
    all 3 of our children are grown & after the initial shock & feelings of anger subsided, they have
    pretty much tried to have as little to do with this as possible. Oh they still worry about me, but they
    would like to put this behind them & who can blame them for that. Let’s face it, it’s much easier to be that resilient when you aren’t actually the one cheated on. He’s still their dad, they will forgive him & go on with their life, sadly it won’t be that easy for their mom. But I’ve found out no one said life would be easy, WHORES happen, just like shit & they leave a stink that lingers a long time. In the meantime try to hang in there, where ever there happens to be, unfortunately I haven’t found that magical place yet. You know the place well meaning friends & family refer to, you’ll get THERE it’ll just take time. If you find THERE, let me know , I’ve been looking for that damn place for almost 17 months now!!! Hugs to you.

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