Let It Go

Yesterday was “National Forgiveness Day”.

Yep, can’t make it up. It’s a day.

“What did you do to celebrate it Kelly?”

Well I found something to forgive.

It’s supposed to be  “A celebration of unconditional love in which people take the time to repair, restore, rebuild and revive damaged relationships using the process of unconditional love and forgiveness.”

Hmmm….

I have spent almost the last two years forgiving. I have not found total forgiveness in my heart, not yet. I have started the process of forgiving. I started it the day I stopped screaming and let my husband talk. I started it the day I let him come back into our home. I started it the first time I let him take my hand after D-day.

I did it when instead of divorcing him I gave him a second chance. Without forgiveness I would have left him in Alaska with the whore…or that might have actually been mercy in my heart at that time. I wouldn’t have wished that kind of Hell on my worst enemy…unless it’s the whore, and then she deserves it. To have to live with herself, a fate worse than death. Like having bamboo rods stuck under your nails, while immersed in salt, and sitting on a porcupine traveling down a bumpy road to Hell.

Just a sec, I’m enjoying the image in my mind…yes she is in her can can outfit, complete with the feather bouncing back and forth as she hits each bump. Getting warmer she starts to sweat, screams are getting louder, salt is poured in…Sigh…one more minute…and done.

Forgiveness

Come on say it with me “FORGIVENESS!!!”.

Now I want you all to stop and think of one thing to forgive. Don’t even think about giving me any of that “I forgive you for not putting the toilet seat down” or “I forgive you for eating the last Oreo” crap.

Dig deep, I want real forgiveness.

From the heart, something you have been holding on to, squeezing it till it bleeds, the stuff that is weighing you down. The bad shit, let’s all get rid of one piece of it.

And you have to really let it go, no pretending.

In the end you will feel lighter, better, and I promise you’ll thank me.

“What did you forgive, Kelly?”

Nosey little bastards aren’t you?

I forgive my husband for being weak.

I forgive him. I think it’s the start to all other big “forgives”. I think it’s time to forgive him for being weak, for not being strong enough to face his depression at the time. I forgive him for being weak and looking for a crutch instead of a cure. I forgive him for being weak when the kids and I needed him to be strong.

I forgive him for being weak.

Finding forgiveness isn’t about forgiving everything at once, it’s baby steps. It’s about taking the first step, then another, till one day we wake up and find all the hate and baggage in our hearts, that’s been weighing us down is gone.

My husband was the one who pointed out to me yesterday was Forgiveness Day.

He brought it up more than once, teasing me, trying to make me smile.

He acted like he was joking, but all I had to do was look in his eyes and I could see part of him wasn’t. It made me sad. How much he wants to know, needs to know that someday I will forgive him.

Which made me think “Why the Hell are you still holding on to so many hurtful things, Kelly? Do you think if you hold on to them and cover yourself in them, you are never going to be hurt again? Do you really think anger and hate can protect you?”.

I really just wanted to drink my coffee and watch “X-Men” in peace. I didn’t want to solve any problems or do any soul-searching, but when my mind starts thinking, I can’t turn it off. So I started thinking about it all.

I couldn’t forgive the affair, not yet, if ever.

I can’t forgive him for hurting my kids, yep probably never.

Then I thought of why it started, and it wasn’t out of love for the whore. It wasn’t because he hated me. It was because he hated himself and was weak.

So I thought some more.

I could forgive weak. I understand being weak and tired. Forgiving him for being weak is a start.

I guess after almost two years it is time to start facing the big hurts and figuring out how to loosen my grip on them. How to take away the power they have over me.

I think forgiveness might be the key.

“I been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Tryin’ to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It’s hard when the devil won’t get off your back
It’s like carryin’ around the past in a hundred pound sack

Today, I’m gonna keep on walkin’
I’m gonna hold my head up high
Gonna leave it all behind
Today, I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away, yeah, wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go, oh, oh, oh yeah
I’m gonna let it go, oh, oh, oh yeah

Skeletons and ghosts are hidin’ in the shadows
Threatening me with all the things that they know
Choices and mistakes – they all know my name
I’m through holdin’ in and holdin’ on to all that pain

Today, I’m gonna keep on walkin’
I’m gonna hold my head up high
Got no more tears to cry
Today, I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away, yeah, wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go, oh, oh, oh yeah
I’m gonna let it go, oh, oh, oh yeah

I know, I know, I know, I know I been forgiven
I know, I know, I know, I’m gonna start livin'”

-Tim McGraw-

 

 

 

 

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12 Responses to Let It Go

  1. Hell yeah I feel the same way. Wow what a weak wimpy motherfucker I married. Then I see the sadness in his eyes.. I see him jealous when he thinks of me with another man.. How I swear motherfucker try and cut me again.. see what happens.. please test me again with your stupidness..

    Then it hits me what he must be feeling to be with me. So many call me strong, courageous, and bold. I feel none of those things however compared to my husband hell yeah I am all those things and more. But what does that get me? Anywhere with the love of my life?

    I swear Kelly you were always one to point out.. silly little cheated on girl you still love the man so you are going to have to get off your high horse and quick playing the I’m going to get rid of you card.. Because where does that get you with someone you love? Nowhere..

    ahhh.. love.. not the sick infatuation ego stroking love..

    We’re talking stretch marks, how to clean up poop in the bath tub type of love, the love that lasts. Not the sick game my husband and that wench were doing to each other..

    Sometimes I get a taste of what it’s like to drop the baggage and then I pick those heavy bags and carry then somemore! Why? Because I’m a goof? But I don’t believe him.. I don’t buy into his changed theory.. but baby steps right?

    Thanks for always paving the road with forgiveness and love Kelly.. even if it isn’t for the whore.. its always somewhere and that counts for so much in my book.. 🙂

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Ah forgiveness, that fleeting little annoyance that so many well meaning friends & family, that have absolutely no idea what I’m going through,

  3. brokenjoan says:

    Oops! Do over!!! Ah forgiveness that fleeting little annoyance that so many well meaning friends & family, (that have absolutely no idea what I’m going through) seem to give me quite often! I have to be honest, I don’t give it much thought! I am still of the mindset, if like they say forgiveness is for the betrayed & not the betrayer, I don’t need it, nor can I give it! As I have often said I just don’t think you need it to move on, some things are unforgivable & this is at the top of my list! It has been 2 years, we have better days, but none will ever be like before he met her, besides we all have choices to make through out our lifetime & you have to be held accountable for those choices! I didn’t choose to have this new life, this new marriage, this man I no longer trust, no it was served up to me by the man I love & the skanky whore he met online, it has been a bitter dish to stay & choke down, but now my husband has to sit down at his table of consequences & eat his just dessert!

    • Joan there are unforgivables, 100% agree…but what about the things you can forgive? What if we break the affair up into pieces and sort through it. These things go into the unforgivable I will have to learn to live with/through pile but these things over here? These maybe if I can make sense out of them, and try really hard I can let go of, move past and “forgive”. Not for him but because all that shit…the baggage the hurt the hate? It’s weighing you down…aren’t you tired? I know I am.

      Just some thoughts cuz well I love you my sweet friend and still believe you are less broken than a year ago 🙂

  4. “Finding forgiveness isn’t about forgiving everything at once, it’s baby steps. It’s about taking the first step, then another, till one day we wake up and find all the hate and baggage in our hearts, that’s been weighing us down is gone.”

    This. Just this. These words are powerful and so very true.

  5. brokenjoan says:

    Thanks Kelly, I guess I never thought about breaking the affair into little pieces, probably because I’ve been busy piecing me back together, LOL! And yes you’re right I am in better shape than I was and yes I am so tired of all this shit, same as everyone else on here! I’ve got a lot of shit to sift through to try & find something forgivable concerning the things he did during his affair, but I will try! Thanks for all your help, love from joan

  6. horsesrcumin says:

    It’s not even the affair that you need to break into pieces, Joan, it’s EVERYTHING. Because the affair is the visible part of the iceberg. I find I have to forgive him for taking me for granted, taking for granted that it would be me that would clean up the dog spew, or buy his parents birthday cards, or basically just everything that he took for granted for those decades. All the “stuff” that kept us ticking over, buying toilet paper, making sure his car had petrol. cleaning the bathrooms, you know, all the crap that was the ‘insurance” – the money in the bank of life – to guard against selfish crap like cheating. That is what I find hard to forgive. Writing me off. Writing all I did off. So, breaking it into bites is helpful. Yes, I can forgive that he didn’t actually “thank” me for one of two of those things (breastfeeding his children while my nipples were bleeding and I was highly mastitic, meaning it was always me who got up to them at night, him that mostly got to sleep until the alarm went off, or the baby woke up for us to get up to milk.)

    That said, Joan, I don’t believe that forgiveness is what we originally think it is though. Or that we need it to move forward. Yes, I would love to be one of those who just locked it all away in its pretty little box with a bow, stash it away on its shelf, and never think about it again. But that is obviously not who I am. But I SO get your comments about friends and family. Those not walking, or never having walked, this path will never understand that this never leaves, and it colours us in ways that are permanent. Doesn’t make us better or worse, just is what it is (shit I say that a lot these days!)

  7. brokenjoan says:

    Horses, thank you I’ve been so involved trying to move forward in this affair shit, I never gave any thought to the years he took me for granted, he was actually the first to bring that up! I never worked outside the home, so everything to do with home & children fell to me & I never questioned any of that, but after reading all the shit he told her & the way he treated her, I’m still way pissed about that! I know forgiveness means different things to each & everyone of us, so whatever helps someone get through this I say go for it! Hugs to you & thanks again for the advice, Joan

  8. pabloswife says:

    I ain’t forgivin’ shit!! Ok… maybe that’s not quite true:

    Peeing on the toilet seat?… yup, I’ll forgive that!
    Making a crappy cup of coffee? Yup, that’s forgiven.
    Being late home from work? I’ll even forgive that.

    Making a reservation at a hotel with the intent of inviting your coworker to spend the night and fucking her for hours on end, sticking your tongue inside her vagina and doing it all over again on 4 more occasions and then spending the next year telling her how fucking great she was while ignoring your wife and kids??

    That is UNFORGIVEABLE!!!

  9. brokenjoan says:

    PW, IF you have read any of my post on here you know I feel exactly the same way about this forgiveness thing, I have always said I cannot forgive & I don’t feel you need it to move forward! My husband knows how I feel about this & he’s still here, I will not & cannot forgive something that was a total choice on his part, but that’s just me, I say do whatever helps you get through this shit!

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