It’s where my demons hide

Last night as I worked on my blog, my husband sat watching T.V. beside me…he doesn’t read my blog..he looked over and saw the title at the top of the page.

“It’s about her “crazy mom” ” I explained although he didn’t ask…won’t ask, and it’s driving me nuts..”it was hard to write.’ He went back to watching college basketball and I went back to typing.

“As long as you keep it off Facebook” he interjected quietly.”it would be nice if some people still like me when you are through” Now he had my attention, my Full attention and he instantly regretted it “I just mean me and the boys don’t need to see it on there daily..”

My husband knows by now my tells, the signs I’m upset or more important angry…and I was angry.

“I asked you before I ever wrote a blog, before I ever wrote a word, if it was “okay” and you said yes!!”

“I still support you, whatever helps you heal,” he argued ” but do you think it’s “right’ for the younger girls to be reading it? I’d like my future daughter-in-law to like me someday.”

“I am not writing to BASH you, Hell I’m not even writing to bash ‘your whore” and her “crazy mom”, I’m writing how I survived your affair. If you would ever read my blog… you would know the only reason I wrote about them was to explain why I call her “the whore” and her mom “crazy, because if I didn’t explain it would look like I was just bitter, because you had an affair with her and no one would know it’s because of what they did to me personally!!” By this time I am crying, not in sadness but anger, and he was sorry…but I wasn’t done. “If you had read my blog you would know I question me writing it, the effects on the boys, I worry, I struggle with it…but it’s helping me and it’s getting it out.”

“I just don’t know about “everyone” knowing about what I did..” he explained.

Red…it’s the color I see when I am beyond mad, and it isn’t a good color for me. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you chose to have an affair?” I spewed bitterly at him, ” What the Hell did you think no one was gonna know, ever find out, and when they did they were gonna WHAT…high five you!!”

Nice…no but I’m still angry, and typing “the whore’s” mom’s story had taken me down a dark hole and some of those demons had come out with me, my husband had unknowingly shook them up… like hornets in a jar and then released them.

He recoiled from my hateful words and then said ” Take a deep breath” he watched me waiting.

I deeply breathed in and then let it out, and my chest was less heavy.

He smiled at me then “Want to make out?” I shot him a dirty look “No..” “How about a cinnamon roll?” he asked sweetly.

It’s not easy, my writing this blog, on him and I think he fears what I have written, because I have said a lot of hateful things this last year. Did he deserve it? Yes…he made choices which destroyed our family…selfish, destructive, horrible choices which I will never ever understand.

I have lived the last 20 years of my life by a simple rule “Don’t ever hurt my kids”…embarass them? Daily…harass them? Hourly…but I have tried to never make a choice that would or could in any way ever hurt my children.

Have I lived the life of a saint? No…my boys would be the first to tell the story of Pomegranate Martinis and Christmas Eve…Seven years ago… and they still won’t let me live it down…It’s now a joke in our family, but it was my embarrassment to live with for a while.  

The incident… I drank too much at a family function (maybe ended up in a headlock in my husband’s Aunt’s bathroom by a relative) and in my kids eyes it was a HUGE deal because I as their mother am not allowed even a  “small” indiscretion. I remember waking up the next morning, with a pounding headache and a pissed off husband.

By late morning he was laughing at me as I cried, not wanting to go eat Christmas Dinner with the same people…”It’s embarassing,” I cried ” I don’t want to have to face your Mom and Dad…I’m not going..just tell them I’m sick.” He wouldn’t hear it and made me go and face his family. Funny thing about it was after I faced them, and they saw I was ashamed, upset by what I had done, they let it go… I got teased “Kelly would you like a drink” I was asked with a grin, and laughter followed as my face scrunched up and belly rolled at the thought of ever drinking again.

I don’t hardly ever drink, so one mixed drink and I’m giggly…two and “I Love You”…three and I’m loud and laughing…four I don’t know because I won’t remember, but I’ve heard it’s not pretty. I’m not used to drinking and I’m not “the person” who made a fool out of myself ” Pomegranate Christmas Eve”, I made a mistake and faced it. It doesn’t define me, and I won’t ever have more than two drinks at a family function (or ever) again and my family just sees me… not my mistake.

My husband had an affair…a million times…billion times worse…and he stumbled along for two years, in a haze of anger, regret, and destructive behavior. He always knew when it came out he would lose not only me but his ” family”…after the first time he knew our marriage was over. I had told him since day one…Cheat on me and I am out of here…so he had nothing to lose after the first time. I don’t think he ever dreamed I would let him come home, that he could salvage his family.

I wonder if when I had woke up Christmas morning, hung over and ashamed, what would have happened if instead of forgiving me and holding my hand while we walked into his family home, he had kicked me out, taken my kids and declared me a drunk? Would I be an alcoholic today, hiding a flask in my purse, wishing I could stop but knowing it didn’t really matter…I had already lost everything.

Does he deserve my anger? Yes, and he faces it every single day…does he deserve for his “mistake” to change how everyone views him forever? I, in my heart, I hope not, he is more than a man who had an affair…he’s more than the man who hurt his kids with his choices…he is still the same man who held a hung over, ashamed wife’s hand as she walked in to face his family…My cinnamon rolls were AMAZING, and I kissed him “Good Morning” when we woke up.

The demons are back in the dark.

“At the curtain’s call
It’s the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don’t wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide

-Imagine Dragons-

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2 Responses to It’s where my demons hide

  1. Ryan Lester says:

    As a future daughter-in-law you can tell him I know he is a good guy and good father. He just made a mistake and like you said everyone does. If you want to freak him out you can also say he will make an awesome
    grandpa 😉

  2. Stephanie says:

    I remember the day you told me vividly! You were so broken! I remember telling you no one can know what they would do unless they are in the same situation! I also remember telling you if you stay it’s going to be harder, and if you stay you have to forgive him. If you can’t ever forgive him then just walk away! I am so happy you are working on forgiveness! I too believe it was a mistake and doesn’t define who he is. This was a good story! If you forgive him everyone else just has too also! This blog I do believe is going to be your best therapy!

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