I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation

I asked a friend if yesterday’s post was mean and she said ” Kind of..”

I realized “Yes it was”. Guess what? Sometimes I feel mean, I get angry. I’m okay with it…to borrow a line from Shrek “Better out than in I always say.”

The first month I spent with my husband I really tried to be nice, to keep the anger in, to take my old life back, it didn’t work…in fact it failed on a massive scale. I soon realized I can’t keep it all in, it was literally eating me alive. Nobody should ever cry as much as I did that first month..NOBODY.

I had to learn how to deal with the anger I was feeling at losing the life I loved so much. I did love it you know, there were days which were hard, times I wanted to kill my kids, and a lot of days I felt overwhelmed from the stress, but I loved my life. It was mine, and I had earned it…then it was gone. My drama free, life of teenagers, farm animals and a crazy midget, was gone…and in it’s place was one I didn’t want.

I didn’t deserve it, I hadn’t done anything to cause it, and yet I was stuck with it. It made me angry. I’m not made to be angry, or mean…it makes me feel bad. I tried talking to my husband about my anger, but seriously how many times can I keep yelling at the same person? How long until either he says enough and walks away or I break him.

He had broken me with his actions, but I didn’t want to break him. Why not? He did it to me, he had a choice and he chose to have an affair knowing he was going to hurt me, and still he did…it’s simple, I didn’t want the guilt. I would have felt it and I think it would have eaten at me more than the sadness or the anger. He can have the guilt, I don’t want any part of it.

So I get to write an angry post…or two…or ten…and I don’t feel bad about it. People have asked the last week…”Do you think she has read your blog?” Do I…maybe…do I care? Not really, I am satisfied knowing it’s being read by people who are understanding it’s really about my journey, my healing, my story. I got hurt, and I lived a year of Hell…but I never gave up, or gave in.

I am going to have days when I’m angry but I hope this blog is about much more than that. By this time next year I hope the pages are filled with funny and cute stories about Laney, but until it’s all out, the whole story…the whole truth…I don’t think I can write them. It’s helping, the writing, putting it down, and then leaving it there on the screen…it’s helping.

So if I have to write mean words, and sometimes SHOUT at the top of my lungs “It’s not fair” or “Screw You” to heal and to move on…I’m going to. I apologize, I wish I could be nice, I really do…I used to be nice….then my husband slept with the town whore…so now I’m still a little bitter and angry. I’m working on it, slowly and painfully working on my issues.

Please be patient with me till I get there.

“So why should I care about a bad reputation anyway?
Oh no, not me, oh no, not me

I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation
You’re living in the past, it’s a new generation
An’ I only feel good when I got no pain
An’ that’s how I’m gonna stay

An’ I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me, oh no, not me
Not me, not me”

-Joan Jett And The Blackhearts-

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6 Responses to I don’t give a damn about my bad reputation

  1. I had to start reading your blog from the beginning.
    This post rings true for me. For the first 3 months after discovering my wife’s affair I was justifiably angry. There was nothing that could stop my quiet my seething anger. I wish I had started blogging earlier, it would have helped to release my pain, anxiety, hurt, and the affair – release it all from my body.
    Today, its getting better. One day at a time.

    I don’t believe your previous post was mean – it was real, just, and your truth.

    • It was probably a little mean 🙂 I have found I can be mean now, it’s changed me. 16 months and I’m still angry, but I’m still trying.

      • I still have a ways to go. I’m only 9 months out and I had to write a blog to get it out of my system.

        I found holding on to all that emotion was toxic. I seriously started having back pain and it went away a week into writing my blog. Go figure.

        I’m sure that you have grown so much more from this original post, and I hope that things are much better.

        I’m still reading through your blog. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

  2. Missie Crosby says:

    I am six months past D day and getting better, slowly but surely. Reading your story has helped me so much – thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing. I, too, want to get it all out but still can’t seem to string enough words together to make sense. I’m afraid someone would have me carted off to the crazy house if I let anyone see how many personalities I have now – there’s Broken Betty, Sad Susie, Debbie Downer, Angry Angie, Loving Laurie, Hopeful Hattie, Insecure Ingrid – I could go on and on. The only person missing is ME! But, I’m working on it and will keep on until I get there.

  3. Juliet says:

    I have started your blog from the beginning because I need to find the grit you have. I found out Christmas Eve about my husband’s affair, he left 3 weeks ago. I wish I had the choice to rebuild my marriage with him, I’d have llike to have a go but he has chosen her over me and it stings. I hope to find the strength you have on my journ ey alone.

  4. Wife not Mistress says:

    My spouse had an affair and his mistress Shantana Reasor and/or her family posted ME THE WIFE as the home wrecker all over the web!!! With pictures of my children. At first I thought the same thing about my name being plastered all over the web with pictures of my children in such a vile way. Then I said okay then. Let’s just make it all public then! I mean you screw my husband when you are a married mother of two and you want to attack me…the wife and my children. YA I’ll never get the mentality of these home wreckers.

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