I asked a friend if yesterday’s post was mean and she said ” Kind of..”
I realized “Yes it was”. Guess what? Sometimes I feel mean, I get angry. I’m okay with it…to borrow a line from Shrek “Better out than in I always say.”
The first month I spent with my husband I really tried to be nice, to keep the anger in, to take my old life back, it didn’t work…in fact it failed on a massive scale. I soon realized I can’t keep it all in, it was literally eating me alive. Nobody should ever cry as much as I did that first month..NOBODY.
I had to learn how to deal with the anger I was feeling at losing the life I loved so much. I did love it you know, there were days which were hard, times I wanted to kill my kids, and a lot of days I felt overwhelmed from the stress, but I loved my life. It was mine, and I had earned it…then it was gone. My drama free, life of teenagers, farm animals and a crazy midget, was gone…and in it’s place was one I didn’t want.
I didn’t deserve it, I hadn’t done anything to cause it, and yet I was stuck with it. It made me angry. I’m not made to be angry, or mean…it makes me feel bad. I tried talking to my husband about my anger, but seriously how many times can I keep yelling at the same person? How long until either he says enough and walks away or I break him.
He had broken me with his actions, but I didn’t want to break him. Why not? He did it to me, he had a choice and he chose to have an affair knowing he was going to hurt me, and still he did…it’s simple, I didn’t want the guilt. I would have felt it and I think it would have eaten at me more than the sadness or the anger. He can have the guilt, I don’t want any part of it.
So I get to write an angry post…or two…or ten…and I don’t feel bad about it. People have asked the last week…”Do you think she has read your blog?” Do I…maybe…do I care? Not really, I am satisfied knowing it’s being read by people who are understanding it’s really about my journey, my healing, my story. I got hurt, and I lived a year of Hell…but I never gave up, or gave in.
I am going to have days when I’m angry but I hope this blog is about much more than that. By this time next year I hope the pages are filled with funny and cute stories about Laney, but until it’s all out, the whole story…the whole truth…I don’t think I can write them. It’s helping, the writing, putting it down, and then leaving it there on the screen…it’s helping.
So if I have to write mean words, and sometimes SHOUT at the top of my lungs “It’s not fair” or “Screw You” to heal and to move on…I’m going to. I apologize, I wish I could be nice, I really do…I used to be nice….then my husband slept with the town whore…so now I’m still a little bitter and angry. I’m working on it, slowly and painfully working on my issues.
Please be patient with me till I get there.
“So why should I care about a bad reputation anyway?
Oh no, not me, oh no, not me
I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation
You’re living in the past, it’s a new generation
An’ I only feel good when I got no pain
An’ that’s how I’m gonna stay
An’ I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation
Oh no, not me, oh no, not me
Not me, not me”
-Joan Jett And The Blackhearts-