Nothing

Sorry I’m late this morning, crazy week and a crazier weekend.

I have so many things in my head, but I’m gonna stray from my usual story and do a little rant on here instead…I know what you are saying “Aren’t all your posts rants?” Nope those are stories about how my blissfully normal life turned to shit, and how I am making a new kind of normal. Today is a rant, about depression.

A friend of mine writes a blog too, we have known each other for years through our kids. She is the kind of friend where you talk at games, and school functions but don’t hang out and visit over wine. I’m a private person (I really am…most people think I’m a snob, but I’m shy and I don’t make friends because it’s hard for me to let people in and to get close to me. So if you actually “know me” feel special, I must really trust you.) and before this never let people see my problems, let alone the whole world.

My friend writes a blog, and decided the other day to admit to battling depression for the last 20 some years. It was hard for her to publicly announce “Hey I have demons I battle and sometimes they win, but I’m still fighting.” She gave a shout out to me, and my blog giving her the courage to admit it. I was dumbfounded…she battled depression? Never would have dreamed it…she always has a smile on her face, beautiful family, and a job she loves…she has depression? I think it’s sad, and really screwed up we fight in silence.

One in Ten of us are battling depression right now…in silence…by ourselves. We live in a society where you don’t talk about it, and it’s seen as weakness. I for the life of me can’t understand why we don’t say “Hey I’m struggling” instead we pretend to be normal. Who wants to be normal anyway? I’m not “normal”, I have admitted it openly and publicaly…world didn’t end and if people look at me differently? So what…my family and my real friends still love me. I will say I have found out who my “Real” friends are this last year. They have stood beside my crazy, not judging, and are still here a year later. They love me and my family, regardless if we are screwed up and crazy…if you have one friend in life like that, you are beyond blessed…I have a dozen, which makes me think I must have done something right in my life.

Why is it such a “Taboo” to talk about? I think the world would be a better place if instead of all of us sitting in the dark alone, scared to breath, because people might know we are depressed, we yelled out instead…I finally screamed my head off in the dark and guess what? I found out I wasn’t alone, there were others out there, scared and alone.Slowly we have found each other in the dark and now we face it together.The darkness of depression isn’t so scary when you are walking through it with others, holding hands and cheering each other on.

The demons we fight? They like you alone and scared, it’s easier to torment us…to whisper in our heads..when we are in the silent dark. I took a leap of faith a month ago, one of the hardest I have ever taken, and set my life from private to public…I have felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders, I have found my voice again.

I am Kelly and I suffer from depression, and I am not alone anymore.

“Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I’m better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I’m smiling but I’m dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I’ll never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I’m crazy but to me it’s perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
‘Cause I’m shouting your name all over town
I’m swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind, turn it all around

And I know that I’m drunk but I’ll say the words
And she’ll listen this time even though they’re slurred
So I, dialed her number and confessed to her
I’m still in love but all I heard
Was nothing (nothing, nothing, nothing)

-The Script-

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One Response to Nothing

  1. Kristi says:

    I agree Kelly! I wish that it was something people would see differently. I have battled it for a very long time and have those friends very close that have made the difference. When I am withdrawn from the world one of the few will show up to pick me up and say lets get outta here. Its time we pull the curtains back on it and let the sun shine on it so we can have more strength in numbers! Thank you for your blog it means a lot to many others!

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