Brave

I feel better writing now…

Is it bad I like having an audience? I like seeing my stats quadruple overnight? I like reading comments from strangers who say nice things? I’m sure some will say ” See that just proves our point!! You are writing to feed your own ego!!”

“Screw you…” I’d say to them. 

I get it…it feels good to matter. Any idea what it feels like to not matter? I know what it feels like…How to make your whole world rotate around someone, and then find out it (you) didn’t matter. To feel like you wasted 20 years of your life (your good-looking years at that) with someone who didn’t love you, they just used you…to take care of kids and animals, do chores and shovel shit,  but didn’t care if you lived or died, just make sure the chores were finished first. These are the thoughts screamed in a whiny whorish voice in my head a lot of days. 

So now i like knowing strangers find value in me, in my ability to write. I was happy being a mom and a wife before….now I want to feel like more. Even if it’s just to a random stranger taking time out of their day to see what ‘Sometimes funny, always crazy Kelly’ has to say today.

“Not much” would be the answer. 

But I’m glad at least in someone’s eyes I matter. 

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11 Responses to Brave

  1. pabloswife says:

    You do matter, your writing matters! I actually woke up thinking about you today (how sad am I?? But it sure did beat waking up to thoughts of the whore LOL) having caught up with your blog last night. I drafted a witty repLy to you in my head but can’t for the life of me remember any of it LOL.

    Keep moving forward Kelly. That’s all any of us can do ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I missed you my sweet friend while I went MIA for awhile struggling with my ever present demons…I read your blog while snuggled in bed with Lou this morning ๐Ÿ™‚ Is it weird I wish I could write like you? Balls to the wall, letting it all hang out raw and honest? But in my need for openness I opened myself up to my kids, and their friends, my Aunts, and my friends, so I write PG 13. Your blog is so totally opposite it’s ‘Mad Kelly’ writing and I love it.

      I’m glad you woke up to me in your head than your ‘whore’…I’ve always been loud and talkative (at least before my world crashed) so maybe my voice can help drown her’s out. Keep healing my friend

  2. I struggled (and if I’m honest I still sometimes struggle) with feeling like I didn’t matter. On my stronger days, which are thankfully coming more often, I KNOW that I matter. I know that I mattered during his affair. I was the one who held my stuff together when things in our world were falling apart. He pulled the ripcord and bailed out of reality into an affair. I was taking care of the house, the kids, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, sports events, church activities, and the list could go on and on. He let his depression and his selfish need to medicate it in an extremely unhealthy way talk louder than over twenty years of marriage. Louder than the sweet voices of four precious children. Louder than the life and history we had built. He carried on with a whore, I carried on with our LIFE. That matters. Our kids were wounded but not destroyed, because I stepped between them and the bullets of the affair. While he was basically MIA from their lives for a year, I pulled double duty to make sure they got everything they needed, Yes, his neglect hurt them but I filled in a lot of gaps. So girlfriends……WE MATTER.

    • Our worlds are so similar sometimes I am freaked out by it…in my daydreams I think about starting a recovery group for betrayed spouses…instead of going to a hotel and having therapy sessions together? We all go somewhere warm, lay on the beach with drinks in our hands and heal over Bloody Marys and laughter….Crazy yes but a girl gets to dream.

  3. brokenjoan says:

    YES WE DO,, and I think our husbands are finally realizing just how much. I sometimes wonder how many of us will make it through this, still in our marriages. Only time will tell!

    • My husband knows how much I matter now, and is almost insane in needing to tell me and show me everyday…it’s sad though because the careless damage he did with his affair? It’s not easy to fix, but he is trying. I hope yours is too…I hope if he is you can at times set aside your anger and see his trying.

      And if he’s not I have pigs that will eat anything ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. brokenjoan says:

    Yes he is trying! He has literally been down on his knees, almost everyday for the past 17 months, sometimes,when I am sane, I feel bad for him, but when I’m on my crazy ride, I tell him if he hadn’t been crying most days & down on his knees, he would be gone! That’s a side of me I never saw before this happened, I am so pessimistic & cynical now, and I can’t seem to stop, an affair changes you in so many ways. And maybe not in a good way, but I never want to be that blind trusting wife I was before, look where that led her! Oh well, shit happens, I just never thought it would happen this late in our lives! As always thanks for listening. Hugs from Joan

  5. brokenjoan says:

    But if he acts up again, I’ll take you up on that pig offer!!! LOL๐Ÿ˜‚

  6. A Good Wife says:

    I quite enjoy reading the writings of sometimes-funny-always-crazy-Kelly.

  7. Jan 2015 was D day for me. I have to say your blog and my son is the only thing that gets me out of bed each day. Reading your older post is like you grabbing my hand , looking me straight in the eyes yelling “Get up Women!!!!” The affair like yours started in August 2014 that month is on my trigger list. Listening to Alicia Keys song lesson learned over and over hoping I will wake up. Trees are no longer green and now I laugh and sad things and cry at happy things but I do know from reading your blog that it will get better. Your words help so much. You hit the nail on the head with everything- especially when you wrote about the worst thing you said to your husband. I told my husband him and his twat girlfriend should die of cancer. That’s not me. But I died on Jan 20th. Who am I now. Broken but moving- I smile with sad eyes and I laugh with insane thoughts in my head. Asking why and how. I too never had a pussafied husband but now I do and I don’t like it. I hate that I’m being treated nice out of guilt and I can’t stand it. Intimacy well that’s another story I think that is gone. How can I get close again like that?? How??? I feel like I’m taking sloppy seconds!!! Guess I just need time.. Love you and your blog you are a life saverโค

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