I feel better writing now…
Is it bad I like having an audience? I like seeing my stats quadruple overnight? I like reading comments from strangers who say nice things? I’m sure some will say ” See that just proves our point!! You are writing to feed your own ego!!”
“Screw you…” I’d say to them.
I get it…it feels good to matter. Any idea what it feels like to not matter? I know what it feels like…How to make your whole world rotate around someone, and then find out it (you) didn’t matter. To feel like you wasted 20 years of your life (your good-looking years at that) with someone who didn’t love you, they just used you…to take care of kids and animals, do chores and shovel shit, but didn’t care if you lived or died, just make sure the chores were finished first. These are the thoughts screamed in a whiny whorish voice in my head a lot of days.
So now i like knowing strangers find value in me, in my ability to write. I was happy being a mom and a wife before….now I want to feel like more. Even if it’s just to a random stranger taking time out of their day to see what ‘Sometimes funny, always crazy Kelly’ has to say today.
“Not much” would be the answer.
But I’m glad at least in someone’s eyes I matter.