My oldest son turns twenty today.
I was the same age as him when I had him. I thought I was grown up but now looking back I realize I was just a baby. Everything I learned about being a mom started with him, he made me into the person I am today. Twenty is bitter-sweet for me, it’s just another step in his path to being an adult. The last couple of years have been full of heartache for him, and I wish I could have sheltered him from them. I know he’s a better person because of what he’s been through, because of the things he has seen, but I still wish I could have protected him from them.
He will grow up to be a better man, and will be a better husband and father, armed with the knowledge of the damage caused by affairs. He will never take happiness for granted, or risk the love of is wife for another woman. He will know how to survive the bad times, and appreciate the good times. He will be a father first, and never put himself before his children. He will know you can survive depression and pain, and he will be a better man, a kind man when tested.
He could have went the other way, down the path which some children hurt by affairs go on. He could have become bitter and twisted, learned a different lesson from my struggles. He could have looked at it as ‘No big deal’, my dad did it (got away with it), looks like fun, think I’ll give it a try. He could have blamed me, he could have become a junior asshole in training.
How do I know he’s going to be a better man? I see it everyday in his actions with his girlfriend, in his promises to her, in the heart which grew in my womb. I might be an idiot when it comes to my husband, but when it comes to my sons? I know them, and I have watched as they used their pain to become better men. They will not follow in the footsteps of their father, but will use his mistakes as a map in life. If anything good has come out of this? It’s the knowledge of the men they will become.
I am proud of the man he is becoming, and the lessons he has taken to heart. I am sad he isn’t a child anymore, but so stinking happy he still has the same hate free heart in his chest. Today he is twenty and he is so much more than I ever imagined he would be.
He is my sunshine, my hope, my son…