Simple Man

My oldest son turns twenty today.

I was the same age as him when I had him. I thought I was grown up but now looking back I realize I was just a baby. Everything I learned about being a mom started with him, he made me into the person I am today. Twenty is bitter-sweet for me, it’s just another step in his path to being an adult. The last couple of years have been full of heartache for him, and I wish I could have sheltered him from them. I know he’s a better person because of what he’s been through, because of the things he has seen, but I still wish I could have protected him from them.

He will grow up to be a better man, and will be a better husband and father, armed with the knowledge of the damage caused by affairs. He will never take happiness for granted, or risk the love of is wife for another woman. He will know how to survive the bad times, and appreciate the good times. He will be a father first, and never put himself before his children. He will know you can survive depression and pain, and he will be a better man, a kind man when tested.

He could have went the other way, down the path which some children hurt by affairs go on. He could have become bitter and twisted, learned a different lesson from my struggles. He could have looked at it as ‘No big deal’, my dad did it (got away with it), looks like fun, think I’ll give it a try. He could have blamed me, he could have become a junior asshole in training.

How do I know he’s going to be a better man? I see it everyday in his actions with his girlfriend, in his promises to her, in the heart which grew in my womb. I might be an idiot when it comes to my husband, but when it comes to my sons? I know them, and I have watched as they used their pain to become better men. They will not follow in the footsteps of their father, but will use his mistakes as a map in life. If anything good has come out of this? It’s the knowledge of the men they will become.

I am proud of the man he is becoming, and the lessons he has taken to heart. I am sad he isn’t a child anymore, but so stinking happy he still has the same hate free heart in his chest. Today he is twenty and he is so much more than I ever imagined he would be.

He is my sunshine, my hope, my son…

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13 Responses to Simple Man

  1. steph208 says:

    Yeah that just made me cry a little!

  2. steph208 says:

    Yeah that just made me tear up!

  3. There is something quite special about a mother’s bond with her first born son. I, too, have a special son and can completely relate to this post. Happy Birthday to your sunshine, Kelly! I bet you are the moon and stars to him ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. patti says:

    Don’t forget the constant love, guidance and support he has received from his mom also helped make him the wonderful man he is today !!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. โค This is great! My dad had an affair and was got "caught" when I was 16. I turned it into a positive experience and glad your son(s) are as well.

  6. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, he sounds like a wonderful young man, no wonder you are so proud. I hope my two sons also learn from the awful choice that there dad made! XO Joan

  7. Unfortunately, a father having an affair increases the likelihood of their sons following in their adulterous footsteps. Now THAT sucks. I’ll see if I can find where I read that and post a link. xo

    • Oh I know, but mine will beat the odds ๐Ÿ™‚ I think not hiding, not sheltering them, and them being an age where they comprehend what was going on will help them beat the odds. They were broken by it too not just me, so it would be like me deciding I now think infidelity is a great choice in a marriage.

  8. pabloswife says:

    I read that too somewhere!! My husband’s father had several affairs throughout his marriage, they are still married, she hates him, he wonders why!! Starngely enough, when my husband and I had our heart to heart (while he was still deep in whore) he said that he didn’t want to end up like his mom and dad, and he’s said it since D Day too… except we ended up just like them because when the going got tough he found himself some skanky whore!! Guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    I made a decision not to tell my kids of their father’s affair for that very reason, in the hope that if they didn’t know, they wouldn’t do it! Stupid I know.

  9. bamboozled1 says:

    i love your first paragraph, i feel the same way about both of my kids, in different ways, because theyre completely different people! perhaps thats the age gap, and how i grew up in between… its not recommended, and often seen as incorrect… but i raised them by responding to them, and letting them, not so much take the lead… but tell me who they are. instead of me telling them who they should be. i think its working.

    i feel the same way about who they will become… honestly i think their fathers actions have, if anything armed me with more knowledge that i am able pass on to them to become better. what to tell them, and when and how? well… i hope i can find a way before the discussion HAS to be had (when their relationship hits the rocks) i had planned to wait until asked, but ive realised, i might not be asked until its too late…

    i was just shy of 20 when i had my oldest also… i wonder… if thats a good thing, in that we dont have too many preconceived notions about parenting, but were still young enough to think, yeah we got this! and also to be open to what it teaches us at the same time?

    youve done awesome mum! those first born sons eh… i cant think of much else that can beat it.

  10. While the bunny-boiling whore gave us no choice BUT to tell the older kids, we had planned to anyway. Kids know. Ours already knew and worse, our oldest believed certain things that were NOT true. I was horrified to hear some of it, and thankful to set the record straight. We are trying to bring something good out of it all and teach them why communication is so important. Why we don’t take people for granted. Why we ask and don’t assume. SO many life lessons to be learned.

  11. Forever Changed Now says:

    This is beautiful. My children don’t know. There is a part of me that thinks it might prepare them, but another part that wants to protect them. The affairs were years ago, but I didn’t know then. Still trying to figure this out. Thank you for sharing.

    • I didn’t really have a choice on telling mine. Word was out and news travels fast in a small town, I could have lied and denied but it’s not my style…Do I regret it? Nope not even a little. I’m sorry they had to go through the pain and trauma, I’m sorry their lives were turned upside down, I’m sorry for them seeing their dad in a different light, but not for them knowing. I’m glad they are living in the light with the truth, I’m glad they know why I have struggled the last year and that I’m not crazy just heartbroken, and I’m glad they know love and families can survive the darkest days if you’re willing to fight.

      I talk more about telling them at the beginning of my blog, maybe third post?

      Any who…sorry you are here, sorry you are part of ‘our’ club…but you are in good company here

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