I have the summer off…
Best part of my new job? The kids.
But a close second? Summers off…
On my agenda this summer? To write more.
I was teased the other day about not writing as much, that this person was glad I was doing better, healing, but it sucked because I wasn’t writing as much.
I still can feel the need to write, I hear the voices, I get sad…but I can usually deal without needing to purge…to throw it all up on a page and exorcise my demons.
“So all better Kelly?” asks my poor abused and tired inner psychologist Bob.
“Not perfect but I am good,” I reply keeping an eye on Crazy Kelly and Angry Kelly sitting on the couch beside me.
“Good?” Crazy Kelly narrows her eyes at me,” So you don’t feel the urge to throat punch a certain whore?”
Angry Kelly chuckles,”Good? So you don’t ever want to CanCan dance on ‘someone’s’ head?”
A sob comes from behind the couch and I slowly turn to see Sad Kelly laying in the fetal position on the floor.
“Good? So you don’t cry anymore?” Asks Sad Kelly.
I turn back to Bob, ” Good, as in healing. I still get angry, I still cry, and I am probably always going to be crazy…but it doesn’t control me anymore. It doesn’t define me anymore. I am Good.”
I am not perfect…
If we’re being honest? I never was.
I will always have triggers….
They just don’t bring me to my knees anymore.
I still hate the whore…
But Lord knows I’m not the only member of her fan club.
I still love my husband…
He has become someone worth a second chance.
I kept my family whole…
We are a resilient bunch.
I am spending my summer finding my happy…
watching my niece get married, my kids fighting/playing/growing up, feeling the sun on my face, and learning to laugh again.
“But I’m gonna smile my best smile
And I’m gonna laugh like it’s going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don’t see
That learning to live again is killing me
Now here we are beneath her porch light
And I say what a great time it’s been
A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight
And I say, “can I see you again”
And she just smiles her best smile
And she laughs like it’s going out of style
Looks into my eyes and says, “We’ll see”
Oh this learning to live again is killing me
God this learning to live again is killing me”