Learning to Live Again

I have the summer off…

Best part of my new job? The kids.

But a close second? Summers off…

On my agenda this summer? To write more.

I was teased the other day about not writing as much, that this person was glad I was doing better, healing, but it sucked because I wasn’t writing as much.

I still can feel the need to write, I hear the voices, I get sad…but I can usually deal without needing to purge…to throw it all up on a page and exorcise my demons.

So all better Kelly?” asks my poor abused and tired inner psychologist Bob.

Not perfect but I am good,” I reply keeping an eye on Crazy Kelly and Angry Kelly sitting on the couch beside me.

“Good?” Crazy Kelly narrows her eyes at me,” So you don’t feel the urge to throat punch a certain whore?”

Angry Kelly chuckles,”Good? So you don’t ever want to CanCan dance on ‘someone’s’ head?”

A sob comes from behind the couch and I slowly turn to see Sad Kelly laying in the fetal position on the floor.

“Good? So you don’t cry anymore?” Asks Sad Kelly.

I turn back to Bob, ” Good, as in healing. I still get angry, I still cry, and I am probably always going to be crazy…but it doesn’t control me anymore. It doesn’t define me anymore. I am Good.”

I am not perfect…

If we’re being honest? I never was.

I will always have triggers….

They just don’t bring me to my knees anymore.

I still hate the whore…

But Lord knows I’m not the only member of her fan club.

I still love my husband…

He has become someone worth a second chance.

I kept my family whole…

We are a resilient bunch.

I am spending my summer finding my happy…

watching my niece get married, my kids fighting/playing/growing up, feeling the sun on my face, and learning to laugh again.

“But I’m gonna smile my best smile 

And I’m gonna laugh like it’s going out of style 

Look into her eyes and pray that she don’t see 

That learning to live again is killing me 

Now here we are beneath her porch light 

And I say what a great time it’s been 

A kiss on the cheek, a whisper goodnight 

And I say, “can I see you again” 

And she just smiles her best smile 

And she laughs like it’s going out of style 

Looks into my eyes and says, “We’ll see” 

Oh this learning to live again is killing me 

God this learning to live again is killing me”

-Garth Brooks-

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4 Responses to Learning to Live Again

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Hey old friend, glad to hear things are somewhat normal in your neck of the woods, same here! I think we might just be healing a little, oh but this learning to live again in my new normal is not killing me but it’s still hard at times! A big hug from Indy😃

  2. concernedmom30329 says:

    So Lou finished her first year. Was the reluctant student (I think I remember a funny blog post or two about her feelings about school) happy or sad for the year to end? I bet she had a great year and charmed her teachers.

  3. pabloswife says:

    Hey you… I agree with Joan, we must be in the healing phase. I have so many plans to blog, so many post titles spinning around my head but then I do nothing. I think, like you, the need to purge, to unburden is getting less and less each day. I’m hoping that’s a good thing LOL!

  4. C T says:

    Congrats. Glad your family made it through this. Withing all of you the strength needed to continue to overcome things.

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