You’ve Got Time

I’ve been binge watching “Orange Is The New Black”…

I have a young friend that started watching with me, and we pile on the couch, after changing into sweats and t-shirts. I like it.

Is it graphic? Yep… Is it realistic? Probably not… But it does have an awesome theme song, and often times lessons to be learned.

I think it hit me when I realized the similarities of prison and life after an affair.

You are in a prison after you find out about an affair. Your fairy tale is over, your life before discovery is over, and you are starting over. You start over in a really shitty place too.

You are trapped between loving your spouse/family, and wanting to escape it. To dig a tunnel and run away to Mexico, Canada, hell anywhere but where you are.

You are infamous in your small town. Everyone is talking and staring…or at least it feels like it. You feel like you aren’t good enough for the polite society, and like you just don’t fit in.

You find a gang to hang out with in prison. They are divided into the ‘divorcees’ who hate all cheaters, the just ‘move on and pretend it didn’t happen’ crowd who can’t even begin to accept their new life, and then my crowd…we face it, head on, and try to salvage our marriage ‘crazy enough to try’ crowd. None of us hate the others (at least I don’t) nor do we hang out, because it’s painful. We ‘crazy and trying’ see the ‘divorcees’ moving on and doing what we all said we would if we caught our spouse cheating, and it makes us question our sanity. The ‘divorcees’ see the ‘crazy and trying’ as slightly pathetic, kind of brave, and are maybe a little envious of us salvaging our families. As for the ‘pretend’ crowd? They want to pretend neither of the others exist, because it reminds them what they are trying to forget. In the end? We are all probably crazy, slightly bitter, and just damaged.

The worst part of being in prison? Standing still…infidelity makes you stand still for way too long. You have to stand there in the mess of your life, in unbelievable pain, and decide. Decide, do I stay or go? Do I love or let go? Do I tell or stay silent? Do I try or burn the mother fucker to the ground? What do I do?

I can’t tell you, wish I could…

I can tell you that if you do your time, and deal? At some point you get out of prison. You get to start a new life.

And you will move forward.

I have.

I won’t ever forget the choices.

I won’t forget the pain.

I won’t forget the voices.

I won’t ever forget the people I’ve met.

the stories,

the questions,

the friendships,

the lessons.

I will take them with me when I get out.

And I will never, ever, as ‘crazy eyes’ as my witness, come back here.

“The animals, the animals

Trapped, trapped, trapped ’till the cage is full
The cage is full
Stay awake
In the dark, count mistakes
The light was off but now it’s on
Searching in the ground for a bitter song
The sun is out, the day is new
And everyone is waiting, waiting on you
And you’ve got time
And you’ve got time

Think of all the roads
Think of all their crossings
Taking steps is easy
Standing still is hard
Remember all their faces
Remember all their voices
Everything is different
The second time around

The animals, the animals
Trapped, trapped, trapped ’till the cage is full
The cage is full
Stay awake
In the dark, count mistakes
The light was off but now it’s on
Searching in the ground for a bitter song
The sun is out, the day is new
And everyone is waiting, waiting on you
And you’ve got time
And you’ve got time
And you’ve got time”

-Regina Spektor-

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22 Responses to You’ve Got Time

  1. horsesrcumin says:

    So clever, Miss Kelly – sorry – Mrs Kelly. I agree entirely. Except maybe I am a bit judgy about the sweep-under-the-carpet brigade. Sorry. I said it out loud (or rather typed it quite quietly.) But I have no real understanding of that. Divorce, yes. Working your guts out, yes. But you both need to do that for there to be any hope and the pretend it didn’t happen brigade don’t have that. They have a cake eater and a very sad and scared waiter! Poor bastards.

    • I don’t judge them šŸ˜¦ just pity.

      How sad a life…scared someone will find out, not able to talk about it, hiding it from everyone even themselves. Yet always knowing it happened or is happening? Their sentence is life with no chance of parole.

      Thanks Paula šŸ™‚ I think you would be “Red” in my version…she’s kind of a badass

      • horsesrcumin says:

        Yes, a much better word. But then I guess I pity us, the divorcees and the stayers, too? Just a different kind of pity maybe? I just can’t live a lie. Never been able to. So it was a no-brainer for me. Rug sweeping was off the menu entirely. It was either he faced what he did and we fought to find a way to survive his breakdown/brain explosion/incidence of selfish-prickitis or I walked. He got it immediately. He knew it was tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth or I was outta there. He also got that I could well be outta there anyway. Kind of removes their choices if they ever want any chance at keeping the relationship. If he didn’t want me anymore it was so simple!

      • horsesrcumin says:

        Shit! Missed the Red comment. I watch so little telly. My daughter explained when I asked. I think I’m kinda flattered?!

    • You should be flattered šŸ™‚ she’s one of my favorites…from busting a snotty rude woman’s fake boob, to giving her son a ‘what for’ because he’s not treating his wife right šŸ˜‰ I love her she’s feisty, loyal, tough, and LOVES her family.

  2. brokenjoan says:

    Paula, you are so right, there’s no sweeping a pile of shit that big under a carpet!

    • Joan I think it’s about time for you to switch your name šŸ™‚ you aren’t broken, just still healing.

      And you my sweet friend shouldn’t be surprised by the amount of shit someone can sweep under a rug…and then pretend not to smell or feel the squish as the walk over it.

      • horsesrcumin says:

        Lol. They usually just buy a bigger rug, joan šŸ˜‰

      • brokenjoan says:

        Kelly someone else suggested I change my name, but even though I maybe healing, sadly I will now always be broken! Sounds as though a few of us regulars on here are doing better, I think that’s about as good as we’re going going to get! XO Joan

  3. I loved this analogy.. although I saw this on FB and loved it..
    To lose focus means to lose energy. The absolutely wrong thing to attempt when we’ve lost focus is to rush about struggling to pack it all back together again. Rushing is not the thing to do. Sitting and rocking is the thing to do. Patience, peace, and rocking renew ideas. Just holding the idea and the patience to rock it are what most women might call a luxury.

  4. So maybe if I hadn’t gone to prison I rushed so many things in a swirl to figure out what went wrong..

  5. I never have seen this show.. I want to though so many talk about it

  6. El Chapo has got nothing on you, Kelly! Great analogy but I do agree with Paula completely, but can understand the rug people value more of their reputation than their relationships. They want to live in their shitty bubble with their other bubble friends.

    I’m one of those crazies and wear that badge with honor and a side of scarring.

    Hope all is well with my homies and miss you guys. Xxoo

    • Miss you too tempted šŸ™‚ All is good I’m digging holes (for plants), preparing my middle son for college, picking blackberries and enjoying my summer off.

      I wear my badge with honor too šŸ™‚

  7. Jamie says:

    Once again you have made me laugh, cry and feel a little less alone in this nightmare. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings! I love that show but I tell myself on a weekly basis ” you do not look good in orange”.

  8. nativegirlnofeather says:

    Kelly, you are an amazing, strong, non selfish, confident, beautiful, and caring person. I watched my mom struggle through the same heartache and to me she was all of the above. She held our families together just as you have. She did forgive my dad but never forgot. My mom had to keep buying bigger rugs but over time the rug vanished.

    • I think you might be biased lol but thank you for the sweet words šŸ™‚ I forgive my husband but I don’t think any of us will ever forget. Maybe thats good, I hope if I don’t forget than I will never be blind again, and maybe it makes me more aware?

  9. Broken šŸŒ» I’m with you. 6 months in still dealing with a man in a fog but I have my big girl panties on and at least I know what’s important. I don’t see it turning out well but I do understand why we fight. We fight for the life we built and created – for better or for worse and some of us take those vows to heart. We hope that we can pull our husbands out of the funk and wake them up before its too late. To help the see the life tbey will lose. For me I think it’s too late.

    • I’m sorry he hasn’t broken through the fog…I can’t even imagine living with someone who hasn’t realized what he has done and is doing to his family. I think if he can’t and you have to end it? Then at the end of your journey you will still find happiness, just without him. Good luck on your next steps, just remember you are strong enough, smart enough, tough enough and able…it’s gonna suck but you will survive.

  10. Question… Why is it that a person makes a decision to cheat and when the wide wants out all of sudden this life with me he doesn’t want to lose.. I’m ready to move on he won’t leave it just a big mess… Help Help please let me know why if the grass why greener why not stay on that side?

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