Walk

Summer is almost over here in Oklahoma….

Not that the heat is over, just the weeks of fun in the sun. School is about to start and my vacation is over. It’s going to be crazy this year with an empty house, empty for me at least with only two of my four living at home full-time. I miss my older two already and they haven’t even left, I don’t know if it will ever feel right for them to be gone.

This summer I found peace. I found happy again with the sun in my face and dirt under my nails. I dug holes, and planted new flower beds. I pulled weeds and dug on my gold-fish pond. I discovered a love for lilac bushes and put in seven around my house. I am going to expand my walkways and fire pit area. It felt good to be moving and doing again.

I painted this summer. I redid furniture and took risks. I love how the pieces turned out and that they are unique in their imperfections. It made them funky and different, reminding me how being so makes me happy. I loved looking around and randomly deciding “You, yes you, Mr. Side Table, are getting a new do.” Then watching as the transformation took place.

I found happy in my old happy, and it made me very happy…and sane. Saner than I have been in a while, and it felt nice.

I start back to work in a little over a week. A new job, and I am a little worried. Last year I kind of fell into my job, and I made amazing friends in my self-contained world. This year I start over in a new place, without my friends. My old friends know about me, my crazy and my whole story. They weren’t afraid to ask, and talk about it…to my face. They made me feel comfortable, their crazy loved mine, and it was a great way to step out into the world again.

I believe God put me there, it was my next step in healing. It made me get up every morning, put on my big girl panties, and go deal. It helped me see that bad shit happens to everybody, just different shit on different days. It made me feel not so alone, like I had a family beyond my own. They were my circus, and I was glad to be one of the monkeys.

I know God has put me on this new path too…I just really hate change.

I am anxious to start, so I can make awkward conversation with people who I don’t know. Figure out whose crazy loves mine, who can’t stand me (we all know there will be some) and who will sooner or later give in and love me.

I hope there is more crazy, and love this year like there was last.

I hope on the last day of the year, I get a hug and a surprised exclamation of “Kelly, I’m going to miss you!!!”.

I hope I find more peace and acceptance.

In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy my last full week of summer.

I have one more table to paint.

New plants to water.

Some rock to gather.

Mulch to put out.

And a playdate between Lou and her new bestest friend in the world, who is the daughter of my bestest friend till the end (amen).

I hope you all found some peace this summer too, my friends.

Remember baby steps, till you learn to walk again.

“A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn?
I think I found my place
Can’t you feel it growing stronger?
Little conquerors

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don’t you pay no mind?
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first decline another state of mind
I’m on my knees, I’m praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I’m on my knees
I never wanna die
I’m dancing on my grave
I’m running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I’ll never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, whatever

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?’

-Foo Fighters-

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One Response to Walk

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Kelly, you sound happy & I’m happy for you! We’ve all come a long way since I found your blog almost 3 years ago, time flies when you’re having fun! LOL. Here’s to more happy days than sad for all of us! XO Joan

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