Ribbons and Detours

img_9091Four  years ago my life changed…

I was forced to take a detour through hell.

I was tested and brought to my knees.

I could have literally filled the bathtub I was often laying in with my tears.

There were times I prayed for peace.

Others I asked for vengeance.

I often went crazy with my grief.

Spending hours, then days, which turned to weeks unable to function or get out of bed.

I was so angry and bitter.

Constantly trying to figure out why?

Yelling at the top of my lungs how unfair it was until I was hoarse.

Arguing with God that I was a good person who didn’t deserve this.

Wasting away to a mere shadow of myself…in spirit and size.

Screaming at God to give me my life back.

Finally I found my way again.

It was still a detour from my previously scheduled life.

I learned to embrace the detours in life.

To let go and let God.

He has sent me tests.

I have failed and kept on trying.

Continuing when you are lost and tired is half the battle.

Here I stand.

Not a year, not two years but four years out from D-Day.

I am surrounded by my family.

I am now called Gammy by one, soon to be two grand babies.

My children have grown up.

They still have two parents who love them and are a daily part of thier lives.

They know I’m crazy and love me anyways.

I am surrounded by friends, some who have been by my side for years, but a large group newly assembled.

And by assembled,  I mean  they will circle the wagons and go to “fist city” for me.

My detour lead me down a really bumpy road.

I didn’t choose it.

But I don’t fight it anymore.

Four years out.

I’m better most days.

And I’m still trying everyday.

To find the happiness which used to live here.

“I can’t believe it, you of all things
It’s been a while, memories teem
Some kind of anthem lingering
Images settle internally

Ribbons and detours meant nothing to me
Swaying the sentiments, pulling our strings
Tempting me softly, but killing our dream
You said it’s over but maybe
It’s the same old thing

[Verse Two]
I can’t believe it, you of all things
Coming in homage, devious needs
Intimate outlies, weakening
Tranquilize slowly, inside of me”


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4 Responses to Ribbons and Detours

  1. pabloswife says:

    No comment.
    No words of wisdom.
    Just lots of love xx

  2. kaye72978 says:

    Oh Kelly- you truly are my hero! You give me so much hope! I thought of you so much yesterday because my anniversary is coming up and I know how you feel about them now since Dday happened, but despite all that look at you!

    You are still standing, still living and doing well. You’re finding peace! Your family is whole and while I know the affair will never be completely gone I like that it’s more and more in the rear view! You give me hope – I posted a very hopeful post yesterday and then it became too much and I’ve been in tears since then- I think we’ve all out cried a bathtub- it’s much more tears than a tub alone can hold but there’s still hope and smiles ahead. Smiles like the ones from grandchildren – that something very special that is uniquely reserved for just you and and your husband- no one else will experience it like the way you two will.
    Fuck everyone that tried to steal these things away! I’m so glad you two fought through!!! Sad Kelly could have done you in and I’m sure Crazy and Angry Kelly could have done your husband in but all of that isn’t enough for grace, history, courage, hope, time, and love- in it truest, full of grit and fight hard form!

    I’m so happy for you but also for your children and grandchildren- they are truly blessed!

  3. Aww thank you 🙂 I’m no hero. I just didn’t want to lose myself in my anger. At the end of year one I knew I had to either get better and find peace or stay bitter and walk away. It was a pretty close choice but I love my kids too much to walk away without trying to heal my family. My kids saved me and continue to help heal me everyday.

    Be strong my sweet friend you too will find peace.

  4. horsesrcumin says:

    I wanted to say something here earlier, but uncharacteristically for this verbose chick, I have nothing. I guess, for me, it wasn’t the anger that got me, but drowning in too much sadness and grief. I still do. I do mindfully forge on. But the grief has never lessened. So I felt I had to call it. It is no better alone. But I just couldn’t bear the people I knew and loved to see me so damn grief-stricken all the time.

    I am so relieved that some of you have found a way to stick with the ship. I hope you all continue to heal and grow xxx.

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