“Life is a test” I heard this the other day and it made me think.
It’s true every single day is a test and sometimes we pass, and sometimes we fail…I think the object is to be a strong C student, and average out the failing grades with passing ones. I wish I was an A student, I could have been in school but I could not study and be a B student, so I got through life doing little and still being above average…it makes life easy but doesn’t prepare you for when life gets hard and you have to study. The test of the last year has been a doozy, and I have been using “eenie meenie miney mo” on some of the pop quizes…which by the way works in a pinch. I have also had to listen to my gut, it’s amazing what you can learn by just stopping and listening to the answers right there inside you ( I will never doubt my gut again).
I think life is full of little pop quizes…punish Lou for getting nail polish ALL OVER my counters? Or tell her to be more careful and let her keep practicing?.Yell at my boys for once again “forgetting” to take out the trash? Or remind them over and over realizing they are teenage boys, soon enough they will be gone…Let my anger out in little bitchy ways at my husband? Or write this blog and talk it out with all of you, living in the public eye is hard, but hurting him was killing me. I have passed some tests with an A…Laney is getting better at painting nails, and if you see her brothers with “weally pretty nails” it’s because she has moved on to accepting/hunting down and forcing herself on clients. I got a C on not yelling at them about the trash, 3x’s is my limit…then I yell. So I’m still a “B” student, but I’m hoping maybe this year I can ace my final.
I put it off last year, it was way too stinking hard, but this year I know I either have to take it or drop out. I have to figure out how to forgive my husband…completely. I have had a bunch of little tests on this, some I passed but too many I failed. I know last year was about me getting to the point to where I could start healing, and I made it. Now this year I have to start my husband on his path to healing, otherwise I’m still going to fail. I’m really scared about it, I know what’s going on in my head (I’m on a first name basis with the voices) but I’m taking the test in the dark when it comes to him. As hard as I try I can’t understand the questions, and it’s all essay questions…no multiple choice so I can’t even guess. I have found myself praying in the dark as I lay beside him…praying for him, praying for me, asking God to help. I feel like the annoying kid in class sometimes, who keeps asking the teacher for more and more help. I feel like I’m back in algebra class and all the numbers and letters are mixed together and I’m yelling ” Numbers and Letters Don’t Go Together!! “…what if like algebra this is a part of life I never figure out? I know I have to pass so we can move on, I have to fully, completely forgive him in my heart. It’s a fail or pass grade and there is no other option.
“Life is a test” nobody ever said it was going to be easy…