I didn’t deserve what was done to me.
If you are reading this and you are a fellow betrayed spouse, a heartbroken wife, a devastated husband? I am sorry, so stinking sorry you are going through this, sorry you woke up one morning and your life as you knew it was over, sorry you will struggle with the ‘why’ and ‘how’ (questions which 16 months after discovery still haunt me), I am sorry you are reading my blog.
I don’t have any magic words for you, I can tell you it’s gonna hurt, and at times the pain will be unbearable. Let yourself feel the pain, you can’t squash it down, ignore it or pretend it away…doing so will feed it, and it will fester into hate. Hate feels good, it feels stinking amazing when it takes the place of your pain…it will eat you alive, and spit out the bones of the person you once were. Your spouse? They might deserve to be stuck with that person, but your kids deserve better, and you do too…you deserve to be whole.
Repeat after me..”I didn’t deserve what happened to me. I was a good wife/husband, I was a good person. Screw it a great person!! I WAS PRETTY, SMART, FUNNY, AND KIND. The actions of my spouse had nothing to do with me…NOTHING. What my spouse did was beyond my control.” Now keep repeating it till it sinks in and you fully understand, it wasn’t about you, you weren’t to blame, and all those thoughts of “If only” and “I wish”, are just going to drive you insane. (I know I took the fast lane to insanity)
Days will pass and then it will become months, the struggle you feel will get easier…but it will not quit being a struggle. It will just become your knew normal. Does a person who is an amputee ever quit missing their limb? I don’t think so, and you will never quit missing the part of your heart which is gone. I miss the way I loved my husband. The blind love of a person who trusts completely, without fear. I want my heart back but I have learned to survive without it.
You can’t go back, but you can move forward. You can move on, but at some point you have to let go of all the baggage you are carrying. The road to healing with your spouse is too steep and long to bring any of the luggage of your past with you.
Carrying my husband’s whore with me was exhausting (As Miguel would say “She’s a thick bitch”) and slowly but surely I have started leaving her behind us. I still have bags I carry, it’s gonna take time. I am trying to stay focused on the road ahead.
Learn from the past but don’t keep reliving it.