My middle son’s prom was this weekend, and it started as a hard day.
I cried Saturday morning laying in bed with my husband, as he begged me to stay in the present. I explained to him how sometimes no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t. It was like the movie ‘The Butterfly Effect’ with Ashton Kutcher, where after a while he returns to the past even when he doesn’t want to. I get sucked back and end up having flashbacks of the past, and Saturday it was of my oldest son’s prom, ones I know my husband shared with the whore, while I was home running around preparing for prom. I know what you are all thinking…”You have boys Kelly!! How much do you really have to do?”…For my oldest son’s prom my home was ground zero, and was full to the brim with boys, girls and their parents as they got ready. I don’t know how many girls hair I curled, make-up I put on, dresses I laced/zipped up, boys hair I tamed the cow-licks of, boutonniere I pinned on, and ties I straightened. I stocked the house with food, drinks, and laughter…it was fun.
It made my heart hurt this year as the day approached, it makes me sad how my younger kids are being ‘cheated’ now by not having the same mom. They don’t get to have ‘super mom’, they are stuck with me. Me… who forgot to order the corsage until the day before, who didn’t have snacks or drinks (just some old cheese dip sitting in the fridge), who had a half-finished yard, dirty dishes in the sink, and laundry needing folding on the couch. I can’t focus to get everything done anymore, and it seems like everything is hit and miss anymore, good days which are always followed by bad. The memories are my own personal kryptonite, and drain me of being a great mom to my kids. I have a whiny, fat assed Lex Luther whore in my head, who whispers “how cute my son looks”, “I love your pictures”. “you are pitiful thinking doing all of that, being ALL of that meant anything…it didn’t matter how ‘super’ you were, he was still lying and with me…”
I made it through the night with some help from my young friends, who made me laugh at the ‘walk in’ and pictures before prom. It was like having members of ‘The Justice League’ surround me, and they kept the voices and memories at bay for the night. I got to enjoy my son’s prom, I got to be a proud mom. They took me to dinner after, and we grabbed a movie to watch on my couch. The darkness in my life cannot compete with the light these two amazing young women carry with them. I ended the evening in tears from laughter, and with a much lighter heart.
I wish with all my heart I was still ‘super mom’, I really do…but I’m glad I still have people who love me even when I’m not.