I hate August.
Let me count the reasons why…My husband started texting the whore in August. My husband changed and became an asshole in August. He became self-centered in August. He stopped putting his family first and thought the world owed him in August. He started running around with a ‘friend’ in August, and had the nerve to tell me…
“I need to have friends, and spend time with them when I am home when I want, without you getting mad.”
Me…mad? Now why would I get mad? Because I raised the kids by myself for 6-8 weeks at a time, four of them and Lou was nine months and a handful? Because I was busy with kids and animals and never had time to myself? Because I was sick at the time and he was coming home from the ‘barn’ at midnight smelling like beer and acting an ass? Because he had changed and suddenly I was married to someone I didn’t like? Because he was suddenly glued to his phone? Because he when I asked “who the Hell he was texting ALL the time?” he replied with “My girlfriend and she is better than you!!”? Because he had the nerve to tell me “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”? Because he asked me for a divorce, and made me cry when I thought of telling his ailing grandpa? Yeah I was mad…
But I did the one thing I could do, I put on my big girl panties, tucked in my lady balls, and said…
Then after he left, I pulled out my computer and started printing off papers, I pulled out my notebook and took notes, and I called my sister. He came in from the barn the next morning and I sat him down and told him my plan. I opened my notebook and rattled off all our assets, all our debts, and I had them divided. I then told him about what child support and alimony would be and showed him the formula I had printed off. I informed him I would be selling my car and cattle, if he cared to buy them. The house he could keep or sell, I didn’t want it, I was moving to Kansas to be closer to my sister. No hard feelings, nope none at all, if he wanted a divorce? He could have it, I wouldn’t stand in his way. He would be the one, for the first time in our relationship, to tell his family. We would sit down and tell the boys together. I had 18 years together divided and wrapped up neatly with a bow.
I remember him looking at me in shock, and backtracking rapidly. He wasn’t asking for a divorce, he was just frustrated. He wasn’t ready to give up and walk away, he hadn’t meant what he had said.
I looked at him and said, ” But I did…don’t ever ask me for a divorce again, unless you mean it, because I won’t stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.”
August pisses me off.
August makes me remember.
August makes me wish he had been a decent man and taken the divorce.
August was the beginning and I was too stupid to see.
“The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And in your way, in this cool shade,
My tears dry on their own,
I don’t understand,
Why do I stress a man,
When there’s so many better things than him at hand,
We could have never had it all
We had to hit a wall,
and this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
And perspective pushes thru,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon,
I cannot play myself again,
I should not be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men– Amy Winehouse –