Tears Dry

I hate August.

Let me count the reasons why…My husband started texting the whore in August. My husband changed and became an asshole in August. He became self-centered in August. He stopped putting his family first and thought the world owed him in August. He started running around with a ‘friend’ in August, and had the nerve to tell me…

“I need to have friends, and spend time with them when I am home when I want, without you getting mad.”

Me…mad? Now why would I get mad? Because I raised the kids by myself for 6-8 weeks at a time, four of them and Lou was nine months and a handful? Because I was busy with kids and animals and never had time to myself? Because I was sick at the time and he was coming home from the ‘barn’ at midnight smelling like beer and acting an ass? Because he had changed and suddenly I was married to someone I didn’t like? Because he was suddenly glued to his phone? Because he when I asked “who the Hell he was texting ALL the time?” he replied with “My girlfriend and she is better than you!!”? Because he had the nerve to tell me “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”? Because he asked me for a divorce, and made me cry when I thought of telling his ailing grandpa? Yeah I was mad…

But I did the one thing I could do, I put on my big girl panties, tucked in my lady balls, and said…

“Okay…”

Then after he left, I pulled out my computer and started printing off papers, I pulled out my notebook and took notes, and I called my sister. He came in from the barn the next morning and I sat him down and told him my plan. I opened my notebook and rattled off all our assets, all our debts, and I had them divided. I then told him about what child support and alimony would be and showed him the formula I had printed off. I informed him I would be selling my car and cattle, if he cared to buy them. The house he could keep or sell, I didn’t want it, I was moving to Kansas to be closer to my sister. No hard feelings, nope none at all, if he wanted a divorce? He could have it, I wouldn’t stand in his way. He would be the one, for the first time in our relationship, to tell his family. We would sit down and tell the boys together. I had 18 years together divided and wrapped up neatly with a bow.

I remember him looking at me in shock, and backtracking rapidly. He wasn’t asking for a divorce, he was just frustrated. He wasn’t ready to give up and walk away, he hadn’t meant what he had said.

I looked at him and said, ” But I did…don’t ever ask me for a divorce again, unless you mean it, because I won’t stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.”

August pisses me off.

August makes me remember.

August makes me wish he had been a decent man and taken the divorce.

August was the beginning and I was too stupid to see.

“The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And in your way, in this cool shade,
My tears dry on their own,

I don’t understand,
Why do I stress a man,
When there’s so many better things than him at hand,
We could have never had it all
We had to hit a wall,
and this is inevitable withdrawal,
Even if I stop wanting you,
And perspective pushes thru,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon,

I cannot play myself again,
I should not be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men
– Amy Winehouse –

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10 Responses to Tears Dry

  1. brokenjoan says:

    Why do all these betrayal stories sound so eerily similar, is there a textbook affair they all follow? Is there post affair steps to covering your ass, post it notes on what to say to your wife to have her believe you’re oh so sorry & that this will never happen again, because a miracle has happened now that they’ve pulled their head out of their asses & they now know they love only you & never truly loved the whore they were fucking? So many questions, so little time before I totally lose it again! Sorry for the rant, great post Kelly! XO Joan

  2. Howtostart says:

    Someone told me today my son is so much happier now, less burdened, more relaxed. Makes me wonder why we (I) am wanting our marriage to work.

  3. I’m so sorry August is such a shit time for you. How is it that an affair can ruin a perfectly good month of the year? Love what you did there with the assets etc and letting him see it in black and white. He must have shit himself! And as for spending time with “friends”, well FUCK THAT! xo

  4. Jamie says:

    I hate August. I hate whores. I hate that men can be so damn selfish. I hate that betrayal has hit all of our homes. I am incredibly thankful that you blog and that I have found this amazing group of women. We are stronger than we ever imagined and we will get through this!

  5. Jamie says:

    I hope you know that finding your blog was the only light in the very dark place I had found myself in. I have always thought of myself as very strong and independent. My husband worked away a lot. I took care of our four children. I made sure our home ran smoothly. His affair has broken me in a way that I am not sure he will ever understand. I will never be the same. Our family will never be the same. Reading your blog was truly a blessing to me. I will always be grateful to you for sharing your experiences.

    • People like you, finding help in my words? It’s become what is helping me to heal, it has given a purpose to my life post affair, given me back my voice. So thank you for reading.

  6. Thanks so much for your post. I hate August too for so many of the reasons you shared! My birthday is in August and for the past three years..I can’t celebrate it as I wish I was never born. September sucks, October is our anniversary..(not a happy day anymore) .then the holidays, can’t wait for January! Thanks for always saying something to help my heart.

    • Triggers never really go away, we just get tough. I get the your hating birthdays now, this last year I turned 40, and refused to celebrate, so my sweet sister and friends decided to throw me a surprise party. It was sad, but it reminded me that even in the darkness I am surrounded by blessings. I hope someday you can celebrate again.

      I’m glad I helped your heart, hugs my sweet friend.

    • Jamie says:

      I hate that you wish you were never born. How about let’s try to just wish that the whore was never born. You didn’t do anything to deserve this. My anniversary is next month. October will be one year since D day. The holidays are sad. The next few months will be hard but we can get through them because we are stronger than the betrayal. Thanks to this blog we are not alone. Hang in there! Wishing you peace, love and less triggers!

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